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Feeling lost
nisa
43 Posts
I was finally able to see my father this week after 6 months of not seeing him. He has gained some weight but did it the wrong way. He had been eating baked goods to put on weight before he started his immunotherapy. He had his first treatment this past Tuesday. He reacted to the treatment right there at the hospital, he stood up and was shaking from head to toe, described it like vibrating. They made him sit for awhile and all that time Mom was outside waiting in the truck for him. Then on Wednesday he woke up with a fever. They managed to bring it down with Tylenol thank goodness. His energy level is really low. Seeing him brought to my reality the fact that he is sick. It was so easy to keep on going and live in the world of things being fine. I am scared now...not sure how long he will be with us but I need to spend more time with him and my Mom. It is going to be hard as I go to school during the week and work on weekends. But I know I need to make the time for myself as well as for both of them. I wish there was more I could do but I live an hour away so phone calls and text are the most I can do right now. I am lucky he is still doing fairly well but I know that will change and I am scared about that happening. You never think you will be without a parent as they have always been there. Now I am facing the reality that one day that won’t be the case. The thought of it scares me.
I have two kittens at home who help keep me grounded and focused on something other then Dad’s cancer diagnosis. Next week I start therapy and hoping it will help. I deal with depression for years now and have noticed I am going downhill. I don’t want to work or do anything else.I just want to be left alone and not go anywhere and know this is not healthy. Right now I just feel like I am lost in his pit of emotional rollercoasters going round and round with no end.
4 Replies
Brighty
6286 Posts
nisa‍ I'm going to write you a longer message during my lunch break.... but are you speaking with someone about your feelings? I'll log on later to write more.
Brighty
6286 Posts
nisa‍ hi again!!! I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's so hard to see a loved one in that condition. We always think our parents will be here forever. Seeing your dad sick brings the reality of the situation to the forefront. When I was at work and doing my normal every day things,I could pretend that life was normal for a short time. It was a coping mechanism. I'm glad your dad has put on a bit of weight...even if not in a good way. when my fiance had gone down to 97 pounds I didn't care how he gained the weight at that point,as long as he did. He needed the weight in order to withstand treatment.
. Although you live an hour away which makes things difficult...there are still things you may be able to do. ...you can have zoom dinners and zoom nights with your parents ,have groceries and meals delivered and be involved with your dads health care team.
I'm so glad you have your kitties to ground you. I would not have survived what I did without my sweet chubby Vinnie to be by my side while I cried myself to sleep each night.
I'm so glad you will be seeing a therapist. I found that so tremendously helpful to talk to someone who understood me, did not judge, and someone who had solid coping strategies to give me in order to get through. Although its not easy by any means,you can do this. We will be by your side. How is your mom coping? Please check in with us soon to let us know how things are going.
Jovul
6 Posts
nisa‍ hi , I am in the same boat. My dad got diagnosed with cancer in July of last summer. It pulled the floor right under us. The last 7 months have been the hardest of our lives to date and our emotions are constantly up and down. The uncertainty is crippling. Much like you, i want to be alone often but doing some normal everyday things like work , and of course taking care of my kids, helps me get through each day. Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I feel my brain just blocks everything out so I can function. Other days I wake up with overwhelming sadness. I am not giving up hope and are taking things day by day. I go see my parents often, but only to drop off necessities and chat from the front door. We feel dad is in the best possible hands - his team at PMH is amazing. We feel we advocate on his behalf as much as we can. I am sending strength your way and hope you continue to take it a day at a time. That seems to be the only option. I hope the therapy helps!
nisa
43 Posts
Jovul:
nisa‍ hi , I am in the same boat. My dad got diagnosed with cancer in July of last summer. It pulled the floor right under us. The last 7 months have been the hardest of our lives to date and our emotions are constantly up and down. The uncertainty is crippling. Much like you, i want to be alone often but doing some normal everyday things like work , and of course taking care of my kids, helps me get through each day. Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I feel my brain just blocks everything out so I can function. Other days I wake up with overwhelming sadness. I am not giving up hope and are taking things day by day. I go see my parents often, but only to drop off necessities and chat from the front door. We feel dad is in the best possible hands - his team at PMH is amazing. We feel we advocate on his behalf as much as we can. I am sending strength your way and hope you continue to take it a day at a time. That seems to be the only option. I hope the therapy helps!

Jovul‍ I know what you mean floor putted right out from us. I was so numb at first at least now I am starting to feel more. I have not given up hope yet I am praying he has a really good 6 months and can get to the cottage this summer. His favourite place. I do take things day by day. I am also a recovered alcoholic so I have to take things one day at a time. Just grateful I have not resorted to drinking again. I was scared about that for a bit at first when I found out it metastatic. So far we are very happy with his care team they really keep on top of things and let my Mother be very involved which is good or we would never get all the info. dad tends to heard selectively. Thanks for sending strength my way. I can use all the love and support I can get

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