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weird stuff

weird stuff

Posted by Brighty on Jun 15, 2018 6:52 pm

Just a little funny comment for today.............it's a little strange but today I ran into a supply teacher at a school that I haven't seen in a while.   We happened to be supplying at the same school today.    She said I looked great and happy and perky and things must be going great in my life!    Funny how we can put on a mask and a brave face so well that we fool people.   Then she noticed my engagement ring and congratulated me.      Asked about the wedding and stuff.   So I told her the whole cancer thing.    She said you would never know that happened because of the way I carry myself in public etc.     Then I said she looked great too and she proceeded to tell me her brother passed away and she just got divorced etc. etc.     I guess I'm just writing this because I often feel envious of people's seemingly "normal lives."   But no one knows what anyone is really going through on the inside because people are so good at putting on a brave face to the public.    I didn't know I was so good at it!   No one would ever know deep down what people are really feeling inside.        So I have to stop assuming that everyone has such a great life but me.    Because if I can be so good at hiding my feelings, so can anyone.   So I have to stop assuming the grass is greener for everyone else.       I wish I could share my true feelings with my closest friends, but most of them have bailed on me this year.   They are probably sick of the never ending cancer saga and don't want to hear any more of it.      It's not like I sit and talk about it with them all the time, because I don't.      But sometimes I bring it up if they ask how things are.  I don't want to have to pretend things are great when it comes to my closest friends.   But I guess I might start having to do that now too.    I'm grateful to have this forum to express my real feelings.       Thank you everyone!

Re: weird stuff

Posted by Pinky17 on Jun 19, 2018 3:01 pm

Hi Brighty‍  WOW.  How about that?  It's very true about the public faces we wear.  Funny...I was just thinking about you today and suddenly came across this post!  Have things settled down with your Fiance?  I hope he is getting the help he needs to beat his demons and heal.  It's been a rough road for you, for sure.  For the record, I don't think you should start to pretend, or mask your feelings, with your closest friends - they should be able to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly - because that's what the best friendships are about.  I hope you are doing better, too.  Take care.

Re: weird stuff

Posted by Brighty on Jun 19, 2018 3:50 pm

Pinky17‍  great to hear from you!!!  How are you doing? Well turns out I'm not that great at masking my feelings.   My family saw right through me the other day.   They know me best and I can't hide my real self from them.    My fiance  had 2 appointments at the addictions clinic and couldn' go to one because  he was in the hospital.   He rescheduled for today but cancelled  once again saying he wasn' feeling  well.   I'l be off in summer  so I'll personally see to it that he goes.   One of my close friends  came out of the woodwork last week to check in.   I told her things will still not all that great here.  She said something  like you chose this so deal with it.. I started to cry.   I'm oversensitive.  Didn' know how to answer  back.   Oh well... I'll have to just not tell people  things any more.   Anyway  how are you doing?

Re: weird stuff

Posted by Mtlcity1969 on Jun 19, 2018 4:00 pm

Hi Brighty,

I would be surprised if your friends actually want you to stop talking about the hard times you are going through. Perhaps, they just feel as thought they don't have the right words or resources to help you and feel bad/guilty because of it. Sometimes people try to cover over tough situations and topics with comedy and/or avoidance. But, that could be addressed on a girls night where you verbalize your concern about them maybe not wanting to hear about your daily struggles with your fiances cancer. You might be surprised by what they have to say.

But, no matter what never stop talking about it. Getting those feelings out helps even more than we might realize. Putting on a happy face can be helpful for US to get through the day but doesn't have to be put on in order to make other people comfortable. In times like this you have to make yourself the priority, so talk, tell your story, scream, cry, text, laugh..cry in the shower while eating chocolate cake (not saying I did that but the image makes me laugh). Do whatever you need to do to make you feel better .

Others will be there more than you might think. And if they aren't, then they were not real friends to start with. It are times like this that you show you who your true friends and family really are.

Stay strong.

Heather

Re: weird stuff

Posted by scaredysquirrel on Jun 19, 2018 5:49 pm

Hi Brighty‍ , I understand how you are feeling.  I sometimes "envy" how great  my family is doing.  I hear from my sister on the Island now and then.  They just relocated back over there about a year after our mom passed away.  My sister and her husband and their son and his wife all moved over there and each bought a place and are busy renovating.  Meanwhile my husband and I are both dealing with health issues and our home really needs repair work and renovations.  I know my sister means well when she tells me all that they've accomplished in a short period of time and we've basically put all our renos  and repair work on hold.  My husband had a heart attack after my chemo ended and just before my radiation started, plus he's been diagnosed with possible kidney cancer and is waiting for a kidney biopsy procedure in Sept or Oct.  My poor husband has been doing some of the repairs - some plumbing and other small chores.  We live in a Strata townhouse and continually see our neighbours doing major renovations and then selling their place for a good value.  Meanwhile we feel sort of "stuck".  I keep reminding myself that we're both lucky to still be here and that eventually our place will get its makeover.  When I talk to my sister I try to keep things positive.  They all think that I'm "cancer free" but don't know that I'm on the fourth leg of my cancer journey - Letrozole and Zoledronic Acid Infusion treatments - I don't talk about it because the treatment is nothing compared to chemo and radiation.  My husband is getting the attention he needs, and is going twice weekly to the Burnaby Heart Health exercise program.  It's all good.  I guess my main point here is that everyone has problems either with their health or other wise, and it might all look great to us, but they could be just putting on a brave face too.  It's good that we can express ourselves here with one another.  

Re: weird stuff

Posted by Brighty on Jun 19, 2018 7:23 pm

scaredysquirrel‍  thank you for understanding!!!!!!!!      I know, everyone has their issues!  NO ONE is immune to problems!  I was wondering why are they waiting until September or October to biopsy your hubby?     That's very stressful and if it's kidney cancer wouldn't they want to treat it asap????

Re: weird stuff

Posted by Brighty on Jun 19, 2018 7:30 pm

Mtlcity1969‍ thank you so much for your reply.     I think what a few of my friends might be thinking is that I knew what I was getting into when I got into a relationship with a drinker and a smoker.    Then when he was diagnosed, I chose to stay, even when he continued to smoke and drink...... so basically, shut up because I made my bed....lie in it etc etc etc.      I think they might be thinking something along those lines.       I could be wrong.     It's weird how this year panned out.   My closest friends who I thought I could turn to for support basically bailed on me..........then people like co workers from different schools I supply at whom I barely really know that well text me on a regular basis to check up.       Never would have thought.     :-)   But very nice of them.     How are you doing?   How is your mom?      How are you holding up?       

Re: weird stuff

Posted by Jimmi on Jun 19, 2018 8:00 pm

Hi All, I totally relate to your discussions. Just today I was thinking how boring & lonely having cancer can be at times. I am back in chemo treatment so most of my days are spent at home due to fatigue, not nearly as bad as my last treatments so I am grateful for that, but I hear from family & friends about what they did during the day& I'm envious and wish I had the strength to just get up & go! Hopefully those days will return & last for awhile .
Brighty‍ no matter what the reason, your friend's comment was insensitive - not you being over sensitive. Maybe time to scratch her off your list ;)
scaredysquirrel‍ I had been planning on selling my 2 level condo before my cancer struck; was just going to rent myself a 2 bedroom apt. But didn't act fast enough. Now I'm "stuck" too. Can't imagine leaving my home right now & certainly wouldn't have the energy to handle it. So I'm just going to relax & one day my children can deal with it .

Re: weird stuff

Posted by Brighty on Jun 19, 2018 10:00 pm

Jimmi‍ ya maybe you're right it was not a nice comment .............It would be ashamed because we were good friends....................Maybe it's me that is the bad friend.   I've been so preoccupied with my fiancé and his health issues that I haven't really been the greatest friend these days.      I still also envy others sometimes, and I hate myself for it.   I don't like that about myself.    When I hear people complain about things like their husbands didn't do the dishes or sweep the floor or something like that, I just always think "but he has his health!!!!!!"   I'd give my right arm for mine to be healthy!!!       Or if they get to go out for a meal or a movie with their spouses.    My guy is never well enough to do those things..........But I am soooooooooo grateful he is still here, so  I can't really complain.   He's HERE and I'd
lll take that any day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    How are you feeling these days Jimmi?    

Re: weird stuff

Posted by Pinky17 on Jun 20, 2018 9:45 am

Brighty‍  You are so right about the surprise of who steps up - and who steps back - when you need them the most.  My husband and I have found the same thing.  I try not to be too disappointed in the step-backs, but it's hard not to feel let down by them.  On the other hand, the near strangers who have stepped forward and really kewep in touch (and help out) have been a surprise and completely heartwarming.  I bet most on this site have run into a similar situation.  It has certainly made ME aware of the importance of stepping up when I hear of a friend or family member being in need.  Take care.

Re: weird stuff

Posted by Brighty on Jun 20, 2018 10:46 am

Pinky17‍ yes it' been so heartwarming  to have some of the pepole who are near strangers step up.  One lady who is a lunch supervisor at one of the schools and barely knows me offered to sit with me in the hospital  during my fiances surgery! !!! It really warmed my heart but I told her no.. she did not need to do that!!!!  I' trying not to be hurt by the step backs but it makes me so sad. Oh well I have to remember  too that others have their own stuff to deal with and their lives don'  revolove around my fiance and his health issues.    Anyways it is what is is ☺ is anone else on the site surprised  by the step ups and step downs? Just curious! !!

Re: weird stuff

Posted by Quinn on Jun 20, 2018 12:05 pm

Hello everyone here...

I can totally understand Brighty, and her emotions in seeing other people living their lives well, and some friend have bailed...I was there too, and found out two things. Many people with health problems do mask their struggles very well, and just help another person with ailing health matters. I think it's a way of just keep going in everyday thing, and DO rest when not well. I see some cancer patients have friendly buddies to talk to, it's impressive, but what about other cancer patients that don't have a buddy and often go solo to their appointments, treatments, recover at home?

This is where I found out the hard way, to really watch who I talk to, some will have a fit or cannot relate to, or not very good listeners with a sense of understanding to what I am going through, like other cancer patients. In fact, that I was hit with a insensitive line where a male friend living with health problems, by saying that he's "worse" then me. I was just diagnosed last Oct 2017 with IDC, and was new to all that appointments, treatments, blood work, coping with side effects from Letrozole. The male friend repeated his line again for the 4th time just last week. I just found out that he had been babbling to his buddies about him being worse then me in health matters. I still do not understand WHY do some people have to use that terrible line against another cancer patient?

So, I learned to stick to finding the good listeners from now on, and their genuine understanding, giving awesome wisdom on how to live one day, be thankful for...

GAZILLION THANKS to many true sisters/ brothers here, who know by experience and share their hints/ tips, genuine understanding how each day can be difficult for many people living with cancer.

Be strong, dear Sister, and you will find true friends one day, that will understand your feelings, and vents.

Hugs, Quinn

Re: weird stuff

Posted by mycrazyjourney on Aug 27, 2018 2:33 pm

Cancer effects everyone in different ways. I am proud of my great friends/family  who drop everything and offer help. Then again I am very surprised and hurt of the family/friends who say or do nothing. Maybe they don’t understand or are afraid to ask. Just asking someone how they are, is very helpful. Recently I had a friend say, now that you will be off for a year, we can get together for lunches and shopping..... my response was, well I’m going to be busy with chemo, sorry! She laughed and said, yeah but you will have good days right........ my thoughts were, is anyone that STUPID..... well I say yes! I like to keep friends around who are supportive and understanding.

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