I saw my dad die and I need your HELP

Hi everyone,

This is the first post ive ever written because for majority of my life ive been able to cope with the stressors that come with it. Recently ( 5 and a half months ago) my life changed for me and I am having a very difficult time with coping and getting back to work as an RN (registered nurse). I express gratitude everyday for my well being and I do not have cancer, but my dad did at 66, and he died suddenly of it without even knowing he had it. First i will explain my biggest issue of why im writing to you all. I am a new RN, graduated in 2017, but in 2018 I lost my best friend to pancreatitis so I took some time away from my career. I got a job in July 2019 and by Oct 2019 had been working on my own for 2 months --> finally felt like I was an RN and everything i worked for was right in front of me. Oct 3rd 2019 my dad coded and died. Since then I have not been back to work and so this is my BIGGEST challenge as of now as well as dealing with the death. Now to go even further into details I will explain why I am struggling so much. I work in 2 hospitals - pediatrics and womens and it is a very very very challenging. I have become super anxious/nervous in my more recent years of life because of school, insecurities, family history (thats for another rainy day) and just adjusting from my early 20s to late 20s of being done school and adulting. So bc of this I was very focused on my career come July 2019 and less on my family and such. During these months is when my dad got extremely sick -- > now he was a 66 year old stubborn Ukr old man who hadnt been to the dr in 2 years for a physical. He had a chronic cough for over 3 months and he thought he had a virus (he did go to college but was more a streets smart). He then lost 20lbs in the 2 months of that summer and by September my family (mom bro and sister) finally started to speak up to him (my mom had b****ed to him the entire summer about his cough but he just got mad) . He went to the drs and they gave him an inhaler to help with his breathing bc they thought it was a virus too.. this was in the beg of July when things were happening. Then he ended up having hematochezia beg of September and decided to finally take more action. He was scheduled for a coloscopy oct 3.  It finally got to the point where I started to notice my dad not coming around to my place ever anymore and I also dreamt of him in a hospital gown so i finally realized he was not doing good, so i spoke up to my sister (bc my dad even though i was a nurse was very stubborn and would listen to my sister more bc she was the Golden Child --> (this also kind of plays to my insecurities).  What made him end up in the hospital is he ended up fainting in the bathroom once, then in the stairwell. My parents are the only ones in the house now, my sister lives with her husband and new baby of 6 months 5 minutes down the road. My brother lives in Arizona for the past 10 years ( i should also mention my siblings and I are 5 and 7 years apart and have never been close growing up). So my sister finally took him to the ER on Sept 28th. They did scans and found blood clots in his lungs 9mm. They werent sure if it was cancer. His bloodwork all came back normal. I should mention my dad did have a heart condition that I was not entirely aware of-> i thought he had just arrhythmias but he also had hypertrophy. So bc of this his entire life he was a very fit healthy athletic man. I never once ate mcdonalds with him.
Bc of his history and not ever been in the hospital the residents did not seem too concerned with this more so if he had cancer. When i saw his ECG rhythm in the ER i voiced my concerns about it and said u know i dont want this to be overlooked and 3 days later my dads on the floor coding. He said to me I do see some anomalies but I am not greatly concerned. I also had a pen and paper with me so I was recording every single thing so I could look back bc I just had such a bad feeling. He ended up getting moved to a pulmonary/cardiac unit. The hospital I work at and the hospital he was in are combined. I stayed with my dad in the evenings and as late as I could because I was used to working nights so it was hard for me to get there in the early a.m. (here is where i feel the guilt of my grief bc I saw him get sicker and I should have been there more especially during the dr rounds to advocate for him). My brother in the states was messaging me and my sister a ton of information to and was wondering if he should come home. We all said no. We asked my dad and he got very upset and did not want my brother there -- obvs was too painful for him and he was also in denial of his death to come (my brother also has so much guilt for this and bc im an empath i feel it too--> im trying to heal this)
Also when we were done with the drs in ER he had impending doom and wanted to go home... I had to convince him to stay. I stayed with him till 5 am and told the ER nurse to tell me when he got moved. To call me. I lived 5 minutes away.. I get we are busy. I GET IT. I KNOW as a nurse. Ive seen it. But it would have taken 2 seconds to call my phone say hey u need to get back and hang up. If that was all i would have been back in seconds--> this is where i get upset also bc after ER u are decided by bed coordinator where u will go. There is another area in the hospital specific for cardiac continuous monitoring. This is where i felt my dad should have been placed instead of the pulmonary/cardiac unit bc of what i saw on his ECG and they also found the only abnormal lab value was his troponin levels. I cant recall but they were higher. They did his vitals q4h. He was tachypnea and sats <89% going from 2L to 3L to 4L. He was tripoding. Bilateral edematous to both ankles +4. His perfusion was terrible. Cap refill 8-10 seconds. On Monday they decided to put him on blood thinners. They did spirometry testing, more scans and still could not figure out what was wrong with him but they were finding black masses all over his bones. The next check was a bone biopsy. Apprerenty the hospital only does these on Thursdays.... i dont even want to get started.. But the nurses and drs kept telling us he could possibly go tomorrow (wednesday). Bc of this procedure they need to take him off of his blood thinners. Bc they thought maybe hed get in Wednesday (which later the dr said No they only do them thursdys) they took him off them Tuesday night. This is where i almost hate myself. I worked nights 7pm-7am that night. I went in at 530pm. He could barely talk, but he was still talking. At 930 I went on my break. The last time i would ever see him and he was the worst ive ever seen. And i didnt call for a MET team or anyone. I went back to work. And at 230 am I heard the code for his unit and i knew it was him. I told the staff i had to take my break and when i went to his unit they were doing CPR on him. He died 25 minutes later just before 3 am- i dont know the time not one of the 15 people in the room could tell me (some of where my anger lies) . I obviously have a lot of anger and I feel like he was neglected but i also know how busy our hospitals are and im just looking to blame and its the easy way at the moment is what most books are telling me. But its also hard bc i work with people and Ive seen above and beyond and ive seen the people who do it for the money ( i have always tried my best to not judge the people i work with but on the other end it was extremely noticeable) 
For example when a nurse was doing his vital I would count his RR and he was 28-30 RPM and she would tell me 20....I know this a world known meme joke to just write 18 or 20 for RR... but someones life can depend on it. I feel like my dad was just suffocating more and more bc the drs would just see 20 RR, 18 RR... So bc of this I have been wanting to get his documentation so I could try and find some peace. But i couldnt even go back to the hospital for over 4 months yet alone think about getting this. To be honest what i needed, what i still need bc i havent done it, is just a helping hand. Someone to just guide me. My mom has been there for me but she also is angry at my dad bc they did not have a good, healthy relationship, but chose to do till death do us part. To put it in as few words as I could they never slept in the same bed and fought everyday. And like i mentioned my sister and brother dont talk to me. My friends were there for me at the beginning but its mostly just texts, going to bars to drinks and thats it. Tbh- the friends i needed (which is what I am trying to become for myself) is someone who wanted to be active and healthy --> working out is soo good for grief as ive read. Going on a trip or something. Idk thats what i would do for my best friends if thats what happened to them. But i felt like its more of a convenience sympathy than anything. Now i rarely see them. I get with corona virus now its different but I rarely get a phone call text or videochat. It comes just when theyre not busy. --> and please dont get me wrong i know we all have lives and need to move forward. But my point is doing things to help me, picking me up and going to visit the grave or just even a drive to talk... but I also know grief is uncomfortable for many.. I know. I get this is probably the answer to all my problems. But its way easier said than done. I go visit the grave by myself, I eat dinner by myself pretty much everyday, I go to the gym by myself, walks by myself, and I do want to be alone for majority. But I also wouldnt mind having a friend join in with me on those times :/ 

Right now, im trying to find motivation to review things to get back into work. But my ego has taken over all of me. My spirit is very weak and to be honest i feel stupid. I judge myself so hard and i feel guilt for my fathers death. Not in the aspect of stopping in from dying, but how he died. Some say his spirit chose me to be there with him and I do believe it but it doesnt take the pain away. The nursing friends I had have all gone their seperate ways and the others just simply could care less for me .. which is fine bc i could care less for them. But its amazing how you can really feel and see who is there for u when u really need it and who isnt. And at this moment I feel like im the only one...


I should also mention ive gone to therapy 4-5 times. The first lady told my mom to shutup bc we did a group on... bc we kept interupting eachother. So that was a really bad start. I also believe tho therapy is like dating and its just not working for me at the moment. So that is why i write to u internet. I dont know if anyone will read this all or reply. But like i said my spirit is weak and has led me to this point. I do thank you in advance for taking the time to read this if you did. I also hope that no one has to experience what i have. Complicated grief is really a complicated thing. 

And to all you souls who are battling cancer and any health disadvantage. I want to send endless love your way. May whatever journey lies ahead for you lead you to peace as this is what I try and tell myself everyday, but what really helps is knowing im not alone. I hope i did not offend anyone by sounding ungrateful bc i am healthy and things could be so so so much worse for me. I just need ur help bc all i want to do in life is help others bc it makes me feel good. Take care.