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My Confusing Thoughts

My Confusing Thoughts

Posted by scaredysquirrel on Jan 10, 2019 7:17 pm

I can see where I went wrong when I look back on some of my posts.  I had myself going in two different directions at the same time!  If only I had kept myself going in one direction.  I see why I was confusing people and myself.  I wanted to go back to work, but at the same time I was considering retirement.  I'm so upset with myself now.  It's impossible to make decisions when you are feeling depressed.  I had looked at retirement for so long, I didn't give myself a chance to even try to return to my job.  I wish now I had.  

Re: My Confusing Thoughts

Posted by Lacey_adminCCS on Jan 10, 2019 7:54 pm

scaredysquirrel

Life after cancer is a huge change on its own. Retirement is also a big life adjustment. I remember many posts where you spoke fondly about wanting to retire. When you're doubting yourself try and  remember your reasons and if you're not happy with your choice  have faith that another opportunity will come when you're ready for it. You're right depression can impact a person's decision making. It may have also made returning to work hard at that time. Hard to predict what could of been and would have been. We can drive ourselves mad with wondering. 

I'm sorry that you are struggling I hope you are getting the support you need to find peace with your decision and decide what is next for you. 

Hang in there, 
Lacey 

Re: My Confusing Thoughts

Posted by Lacey_adminCCS on Jan 10, 2019 7:55 pm

scaredysquirrel

Life after cancer is a huge change on its own. Retirement is also a big life adjustment. I remember many posts where you spoke fondly about wanting to retire. When you're doubting yourself try and  remember your reasons and if you're not happy with your choice  have faith that another opportunity will come when you're ready for it. You're right depression can impact a person's decision making. It may have also made returning to work hard at that time. Hard to predict what could of been and would have been. We can drive ourselves mad with wondering. 

I'm sorry that you are struggling I hope you are getting the support you need to find peace with your decision and decide what is next for you. 

Hang in there, 
Lacey 

Re: My Confusing Thoughts

Posted by scaredysquirrel on Jan 11, 2019 6:00 am

Lacey_adminCCS‍ Yes, it is hard to say how things may have turned out had I gone to work, I just wish I had given myself the opportunity.  I went out to my old campus today and felt terrible that I made such a hasty decision in September.  I knew it was the wrong decision.  Cancer has changed me, and I wanted one more year to do my job before saying "farewell".  I know my husband says it was something I would have to face sooner or later.  Ironically, after so many years of thinking about retirement, I was sort of forced into it from my health.  It's here now and barking at my heals as something I don't want.  Maybe the idea of retirement makes me feel old and useless? I don't know.  I am starting my volunteer job on Monday.  The only problem is now I don't think I want to do it.  I'm feeling like it's a step down from my previous job.  The staff sounds very welcoming and supportive.  It might be good for all I know.  Thanks for understanding.

Re: My Confusing Thoughts

Posted by princessmaura on Jan 11, 2019 9:12 am

scaredysquirrel‍, a new door is opening for you...enjoy the journey...good luck with your volunteer job!

Re: My Confusing Thoughts

Posted by Lacey_adminCCS on Jan 11, 2019 10:47 am

scaredysquirrel‍ 

You said- "I am starting my volunteer job on Monday.  The only problem is now I don't think I want to do it.  I'm feeling like it's a step down from my previous job". In the past you have posted about feeling upset when you didn't give things a try. Give it a try then you won't have regrets! It's a step forward.

Hope it goes well,
Lacey

Re: My Confusing Thoughts

Posted by princessmaura on Jan 12, 2019 4:20 am

I have volunteered in many, different volunteer jobs over the years and it was a rewarding experience...I don't think volunteer jobs should be thought of as less valuable than paid jobs...I was servicing my community and learning new skills...

Re: My Confusing Thoughts

Posted by Cynthia Mac on Jan 12, 2019 9:14 am

scaredysquirrel‍ , 50 weeks ago (Jan. 30, 2018) you wrote:.
Retirement has been at the top of my choices since my breast cancer journey began.  The thought of going back to a really stressful job and a horrible commute does not appeal to me

You sounded so confident and sure in that post, even though you were still in treatment. 

I have struggled to understand what has happened since. What I CAN understand is that there appears to be a “slump” after treatments - I’ve read posts from others who expected that “whee hee, my treatments are over” euphoria but didn’t get it, and I myself experienced anxiety this summer and fall after my Dad’s treatments were over and my caregiving responsibilities lessened.

So, I can see where you would have had a period of regret, or fear that you made wrong choices, or worry over your husband’s condition once you were back in better health.

What I cannot understand is the length of time that period has gone on, and the fierceness of the negative thoughts. It’s not that I can’t understand that negative thoughts can be fierce - I’ve got first-hand knowledge of that - it’s that I know how damaging negative thinking can be to the human body over time, and I know how important it is to turn that type of thinking around.

As you know, the frequency and force of the negative thoughts you run through your mind at what must be every waking minute of every day has concerned me greatly over the past several months, and I really really want to see you turn them around for your own benefit.

I’m really sad to see that you haven’t even started your volunteer job and have already downgraded it to “a step down” and something you “don’t think you want to do”? When are you going to give yourself a break?

Whoever put the idea in your head that retirees are “old and useless?” That thought/ comment is actually offensive to many people. Find a copy of Zoomer magazine and see what retirees are doing with their lives, then find your passion and join them.

Retirement is no longer being “put out to pasture” - it’s about changing gears and doing something you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t get to because of the “stressful job” with the “horrible commute.”

Go and start your volunteer job on Monday. “The staff sounds welcoming and supportive. It might be good...” No. It WILL be good. Give it a chance.

Re: My Confusing Thoughts

Posted by scaredysquirrel on Jan 12, 2019 5:58 pm

Hi all, yes I guess I was convinced of quite a few things during my cancer treatments.  One of them was being convinced my job in the bookstore would be too stressful and throwing in a rather long commute would make my day longer.  However, things did improve at work and there was improvement in my commute which would have helped.  I always could have driven to work as well, but got used to taking transit.  I needed to be clear about a few things before making a life changing event like retirement.  I really should have tried the gradual return to work before choosing retirement.  I was depressed for quite a while after my treatments ended.  Unfortunately, I didn't get any help with this.  Doubting ones self is always detrimental.  I have a habit of making snap decisions sometimes and not carrying out my plan.  Plus I listen to too many people and don't listen to my inner voice.  As for the volunteer job, I'm sure it will be fine, it's just not what I wanted at the moment.  

Re: My Confusing Thoughts

Posted by scaredysquirrel on Jan 12, 2019 8:47 pm

My apologies for sounding so down and confused.  I've been feeling a little better, but still not happy that I decided to retire so suddenly.  I think it was because others at my work place were discouraging me from a work return after my cancer, which is strange when you think about it.  After all, it's my life, my job and my decision.  I needed to speak with someone from HR in a little more depth before making this decision.  I should have waited a few more days and I would have been back at work.  I seem to let others influence my decisions after my treatments ended.  It was a dumb thing to do.  I learned a great lesson, but what good does it do me now? 

Cynthia Mac‍ thanks again for all your support and great upbeat encouragement.  I should have just given you a phone call or kept your note in front of me while waiting for my return to work date back in September.  

Re: My Confusing Thoughts

Posted by Cynthia Mac on Jan 12, 2019 9:23 pm

cool Well, scaredysquirrel‍ , I suppose a phone call or three would have been faster than typing!

I’m really glad that you are able to acknowledge that you are feeling better and that you can see that your volunteer work is going to be fine. That’s the direction I’ve been hoping to see.

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