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Grief Support
Trillium
2008 Posts

Hello D63‍ - so glad you were able to find us and reach out to us. Lacey_Moderator‍ or Lianne_Moderator‍ will get in touch with you later. I copied your post here for you so others can see it and reply. I will reply to your message and also send you a private message which will come to your email.


Grief

hello.

im am not technologically savvy. Can someone write me as to how one writes a general post and how one sends to select participants.

Today I’m having a very bad day emotionally and physically. I miss my partner so much of 35 years. I need to vent my grief as I am all alone. We never had children and family members and friends are few. My partner took care of anything financial and I was the househusband because of my mental health disability. Everything overwhelms me and I’m having constant panic attacks. I’m so dismayed how this disease destroys everything. I find our governments should give more support to those afflicted . I found financial institutions discriminate against cancer patients. They are inflexible and do not aid in the individuals recovery . In fact the add on stress which does not help. Thank god that this organization is around

11 Replies
Trillium
2008 Posts

@D63 - you can reply to this post by hitting the reply arrow (small black arrow on right at bottom of post) on any of the messages below.

Sorry to read about your life being turned upside down with mental illness on top of cancer. My son was diagnosed with cancer while I was recovering from depression and it did make life harder but we made it through the dark tunnel and out the other side. Many of us who find our way here have had similar struggles. You are in the most difficult place right now but it will get better for you.

I have some good medications and counsellors/therapists and doctors to help me through but I also practiced some really good self care.

You have been through so much. Are you currently getting help from any counsellors/therapists or a doctor?

D63
2 Posts

Thank you for taking time to read. I open I have reached you. .Today has been a extremely bad day with multiple panic attacks and dry heaving. . Today I finally told my neighbor that my partner passed away. It upset me as I could see they were in shock. . I’m seriously thinking I’m not getting through this on many levels. What keeps me chugging along for now is when I hear of all the heart ache in the Ukraine..

Right now It’s too painfull and I’m angry because I don’t know understand how this happened. At other times I cry like a baby. A week before her passing the team was telling me how well she was doing and that they had never seen such progress and improvement. It’s like a slap in the face. I depended on Laura for many things due to my anxiety. In turn I did all the non traditional roles For a man.

For the record I finally was hooked to a special care counsellor and a social worker Yesterday. Because of Covid that means maximum half hour on phone every two weeks. . . I’m worried that I may have difficulty expressing myself because I live in a area that is 99 percent French. For the record my proficiencty in French is acceptable but I would prefer to express myself in English when it comes to how I feel Because that is my mother tongue.

I thank you for reading God bless.

Brighty
8442 Posts

@D63 my heart goes out to you. Im so sorry you are going through this. I lost my fiance to cancer 4 years ago. I truly didnt think i could go on, and much of the time didnt even want to. I was so distraught. My brother got me a beautiful tabby cat named Vinnie to give me a purpose to go on. I also struggle with anxiety and depression. I called my family doctor who gave me a referal to the hospital, where I was placed in group therapy. I had group, plus daily one on with with a social worker. They gave me strategies as well as putting me on meds. I also had extensive grief councilling after he passed ,with others who were going through the same thing. I found myself struggling again last summer, and called up my family doctor again. The hospital put me in a cognitive behavioral therapy program which was helpful for my anxiety and panic attacks. They gave me specific strategies to follow and practice. I still struggle from time to time, but I try to implement the strategies I learned in therapy. Many people on this sight will understand what you are going through. You aren't alone. There is much help and friendship here. Glad you reached out.

S2020
1038 Posts

@D63, I am sorry for the loss of your partner, Laura, and all the grief, pain, anxiety and anger you are feeling. The death of someone we love…there are no words that adequately express that type of pain and grief. The counselor and social worker will be helpful as you experience all this.

An additional resource I would highly recommend is an online Bereavement Support Group for spouses/partners. Their next meeting is on May 4:

https://wellspring.ca/online-programs/programs/all-programs/bereavement-support-group-spousal/

We are here for you, too, @D63. You are not alone.

Cynthia Mac
3876 Posts
Hi, D63‍ - I’m sorry to hear of your loss and that you are struggling.

I did, too, when I lost my Dad in 2020. My reaction to his passing and the process of handling the estate after hit me far harder than I expected. In order to get through it, I went back to the tools I used after my marriage ended, and some days, even they weren’t cutting it!

I hope your counsellor turns out to have good English, as I think that will help you to express yourself and feel heard. If you feel you need more help, can you reach out to your own doctor for a referral?

Just so you know, it is fairly common for a patient to show improvement near the end of their life. My Dad was in hospital for the last month of his life, and two weeks before he passed away, the doctors were telling us to prepare for him being released.

You mention you’ve had anxiety for a long time. What are some of the things you do to keep it at bay?
supersu
1108 Posts

@D63

good morning

I am glad that you have found this community to support you as you struggle with your recent loss.
my sincere condolences to you, and all those who loved your dear Laura.

you have had some fantastic support from other members already.
may I offer one more resource? contact the Canadian Cancer Information Specialists. they may be able to connect you with some additional mental health, bereavement and financial counselling support. 1-888-939-3333.

my dad always said: a problem shared, is a problem halved.
as hard as it is to tell folks of your extreme loss, sharing your story about the sudden passing of Laura with us & your neighbor will allow others to help.

sending positive vibes that today is a better one.

cheers
su

#grief #spousecaregiver #wellspring #cancerconnectioncommunity #cancerinformationspecialists #mentalhealth #financialsideofcancer

Hello @D63

Please accept my sincere condolences on the passing of your beloved Laura. Grief is a challenging time for most of us so I can only imagine the extra burden that your mental health and panic attacks is presenting for you. I am glad you have access to a counselor and social worker, albeit for brief times. I see @supersu has given you the Cancer Information Helpline ( 1-888-939-3333 ) and @S2020 has provided you with the bereavement group info, along with others who have shared their experiences.

I want to let you know also about www.mygrief.ca which is an excellent resource as well,

As to learning your way around the site, you have been able to reply to this post so kudos on that. At the bottom of each page there is a FAQ https://cancerconnection.ca/faq with some tips on navigating the site.

One big tip is tagging. I wanted to share with you how to “tag” a member, as I have done above with your name, so that the person you are directing your response to will be notified that they have been mentioned.

Simply type the @ sign immediately followed by ( no spaces ) the member's username. If you see more than one that match the letters you have typed in, select the one you want. It will then turn blue, as above, and you will know you have done it successfully.

Continue to reach out here as you need. A lot of members can relate to your experience and together, we can all support each other.

Lianne

D63
2 Posts

Thank you for the Kind reply. Right now I feel like a roller coaster up and down. Last night was horrible because I had a eating frenzy in my sleep. When I woke up this morning I was upset because the bed linen was a mess. I’m sure I’m eating my emotions.

Like i said before I feel anger and betrayal at times. From leaving the hospital after six months nths she was doing wonderfull and all the team including oncologists kept praising her. Her results were encouraging as her Mets were stable. They said if her meds stopped working there were plenty of options. I just don’t understand. It’s not like she had a second wind like I have been witness too.

Anyways thank you for being so kind and taking the time to write me.

Cynthia Mac
3876 Posts
D63‍ , please be kind to yourself. You are on a roller coaster, that’s for sure, and it’s not one of the good ones.

Years ago, when I suffered a devastating loss, someone gave me a little book called How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It was full of little tidbits that could help you through this. It’s still available on Amazon, and your local bookstore could likely bring it in for you.

One of the core principles of the book was to understand just how much hurt you’re experiencing. It encourages the reader to do treat themselves the same way they would a dear friend if they were going through the same thing.

Anger and betrayal are two of the stages of grief that are often talked about. That line of thinking (about the stages of grief) is evolving — earlier this year I attended a seminar about grief. This is what I learned:

”There are four “tasks” of grief:
  • accepting a difficult, unwanted reality
  • acknowledging the thoughts and feelings
  • adapting - creating new routines, some of which honour your grief
  • reinvention - entering the next chapter
I loved the first point - grief really is, at least in part, the struggle within us to accept an unwanted reality.

Some say that grief is love that no longer has a place to land. That, too, is a kind way of looking at it.

You are acknowledging your feelings about your loss, and that is good. When you have those feelings, try to visualize them as washing over you then draining away, rather than covering you like a heavy cloak. In other words, don’t let those feelings stay with you any longer than absolutely necessary.

Grief isn’t a “straight line” process. Some of those feelings will circle back, and that’s part of the process, too. Just keep being kind to yourself.
Mosi
90 Posts
Cynthia Mac‍ Beautifully said. The strength of this site is walking with people that have been on this path before. Your words touched me deeply. I’m sure D63‍ finds some wisdom in there as well.
S2020
1038 Posts

@D63 , I have been thinking about you and I wanted to check in to ask how you are doing. We are here for you.

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