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My "cancer coaster" has bottomed out
TTOL343
12 Posts

I am pretty new here and so far have just been reading all the wonderful sharing that everyone has done. That being said I need some positive injections, not the medical kind.😏

My last MRI showed that the liver ablation did not work, for the second time, and three new lesions have shown up. I was diagnosed with rectal cancer in October 2019 and have gone through many procedures, treatments and surgeries since then, as have many of you. The cancer metastasized to my liver and just keeps on coming back.

I have tried to stay positive through all of this but each new setback is more and more difficult to overcome. Apparently the interventional radiologist wants to try another procedure but stated that “it is not a cure” so I guess that means that my hope for a cure is now gone for sure. I guess miracles can happen but I am losing faith and this last result has pretty much done me in and quite frankly I am afraid of what is to come.

I do not know what to ask for but perhaps if anyone has experienced the same things I would appreciate any help/support. Thank you.

17 Replies
Dave58
172 Posts

@TTOL343 I wish I didn't have to say welcome to our Family which is now your Family also. I was first diagnosed with stage four lung cancer on Aug 4 of the this year which is non operable as it's wrapped around my pulmonary artery. I learned that during a 3 day stay in the hospital for symptoms I would never have thought of as cancerous. After a couple more CT scans I was sent in for a MRI. That's where I found that I had more cancer but needed a PET scan for it to show up. Did the PET scan and found the cancer had spread into my lymph nodes,right lung,liver and bones. Talk about a kick in the gut! Process this ?? No way. I had to hit the restart button. So I ended up doing 5 rounds of radiation. After that I get the news that the Doc saw something suspicious in the back of my brain. It ended up being two brain tumors. I started my first round of chemo yesterday and still no idea what they have planned or the brain tumors.

I'm not in any way trying to say I have it worse than you do. What I am saying is that I would be a basket case without the actual caring and loving support these amazing people have given me. The more you feel comfortable in sharing what your going through the better they can help. They WANT to help. This is your safe space in here.

As for coping, not only has everyone here helped immensely in that regard but I also have my faith in God. Will God heal me ? Who am I to know the mind of God ? He did promise to never leave or for sake me. Maybe you feel like you don't matter, but Jesus felt like you do so he died for you. All is not lost, hope is not lost as long as you have put your trust in Jesus. If you keep your eyes on the prize, which is Christ, than they can't see the cancer any longer.

MCoaster
672 Posts

@TTOL343 I am so very sorry that you are in such a scary place. “Positive injections“, I think, are not readily available at present in any province 😞but you have certainly joined a community where others can relate to how you are feeling.

You certainly have very good cause to feel as you do. Cancer and our individual response to its treatment, as well new research which is ongoing, mean that it is often hard to predict an outcome and that makes it all the more stressful. Try to live in the moment because that is all that is truly real.

I was fortunate that my breast cancer was successfully treated by a bilateral mastectomy. Feelings of anxiety and depression, when stressed, though have been part on my life for many years and over a long time I have assembled a tool box of actions to deal with them. Sharing with other who I trust, seeking help from professionals, as long as they are a good match, listening to music, and using mindfulness and being in nature and especially having my animals with me plus of course my family are all in the box. What gives you comfort and something to hang onto during the lows? I find that when I talk with someone I listen to myself which helps me focus and often helps me crawl out of the blackness. Nights can be difficult and I listen to stories or music on my iPad and/or practice nidra yoga.

Hope this helps a bit. We are all here for you.

Please keep in touch.

Warm and healing hugs. 🌸

MCoaster

Whitelilies
1476 Posts

@TTOL343 Hello……Please know I just sent you a private message….I hope you receive it.

Please meet: @RBION Thank you so much, if you could share the experiences, of your husband, with his cancer journey/I believe liver is affected too…….to support our new member, in need of extra support! We are here, to do just that!! We are ALL in Ontario too!! Much appreciated….

We are here, for you!!

Whitelilies

Boby1511
595 Posts

@TTOL343

Hi there. Just wanted to say hi. I too am stage 4. It’s a scary place to be. My heart goes out to you with the liver.

Im currently doing good. Amazing really. Just saw my surgeon and he’s happy to be wrong I’m not dead yet.

Feel free to message me any time. I am always willing to listen. I too have an ostomy which my doc is currently unwilling to reverse.

want to reach out and give you a hug.

TTOL343
12 Posts

@Dave58 Thank you for your wise words. I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis, it is so difficult to fathom. I hope to be a strong as you are.

TTOL343
12 Posts

@Boby1511 Thank you, I wish I could hug you back but hugging has been on the outs for all of us for quite a long time hasn't it!

I am so happy for you that you are doing well. I am hoping for a miracle!

TTOL343
12 Posts

@MCoaster You are so right in that we have to live and enjoy every moment. My head knows this and until recently I have been able to do this but this last kick has wounded me more deeply. I am hoping my “survival instincts” will kick in once this shock has passed.

I have been a “loner” all my life but with Covid and the fact that I have no family close by has made it even more difficult to weather this storm all by myself.

I am happy for your positive results. Thank you.

Dave58
172 Posts

@TTOL343 Hey Kiddo 😉 Thanks for caring I appreciate that. It's really not about being strong, at east for me. I just accept what comes and then deal with it as best I can. My faith in God plays a long way into being able to cope with things, but so do these amazing people in here. I bet you have friends and family close by you that would love to help. But they have to know what's wrong first. Feel free to PM me anytime

SQLC
17 Posts

@TTOL343 My husband has had 2 rounds of liver ablation from mets after being diagnosed with colon cancer, stage 4. He is scheduled for a third round and waiting a month since his CT scan - no date yet. It is hard to stay positive sometimes but for us knowing what is coming next helps. Our oncologist told us from the beginning that there was “no cure” but only maintenance. This is our new normal and it has been two years since diagnosis. As long as they continue to “treat” the new spots we have hope.

TTOL343
12 Posts

@SQLC I almost wish that my oncologist had told me from the beginning that a cure was not a possibility…I think. However I guess now it is certain that a cure is not possible. Knowing that you have something inside you that can kill you yet still going on with your daily life is kind of bizarre! I heard many many years ago the phrase “take one day at a time”. Years ago when I was going through some bad stuff I wrote a poem called “Five minutes at a time” because that is all I could handle, now I live it. I am hoping that I will practise that once this most recent shock has passed.

Thank you for your input. All the best.

TTOL343
12 Posts

@Dave58 Thank you, I hope I can become as accepting as you. All family and friends are in other cities but thanks to the phone and zoom etc. we can still keep in touch. Dealing with this all alone has been tough, especially with this darn Covid but all of you folks are helping, thank you so much.

RBION
36 Posts

Hi @TTOL343 - this whole cancer-thing isn't a fun trip to be on, I feel for you and where you're at. My husband is also stage IV CRC with mets to the liver. At the moment the spots are inoperable so we keep hoping chemo treatments will shrink them enough so they can be removed. So many ups and downs and yet we’re only a year+ into this. We keep regrouping when his health has setbacks (he seems to be in the hospital every two months and now I find myself watching the calendar too closely) and we relish every moment when he’s feeling more like himself. Like others, we were told ‘no cure’ so we had to figure out how to keep living while carrying the weight of those words. My husband has developed his strategies (he spends a ton of time in his new woodworking shop, listening to the tunes cranked up while creating things) and I have mine. But last December when this was still quite new and he was back in hospital for the 3rd time in 4 months, I was struggling a lot and feeling pretty miserable. A friend suggested I make a small action plan each day and carry it out. Something that would give me purpose and stop me from focusing only on my negative thoughts. Its helped me and so far its gotten me over several humps. I hope you can find a way to redirect your focus and that everyone’s words here leave you feeling supported and not so alone.
Rbion

MCoaster
672 Posts

@SQLC and @TTOL343 Thank you both so much for sharing. I know from personal experience what a help being able to post here and reading the posts of others has been and hope you both find the same.

I am sorry for being off topic but hope the following is useful. I was not very computer savvy and when I joined 2 years ago was glad someone gave me this info.

It is good to know when you have been mentioned in a post or if you have an answer to your post or have a private message. To make sure the person receives notification of your post type @ followed immediately by the name. A blue box with names will appear and when you click on the name you want it will appear in blue in your post. They will then be notified as you have both been of this.

Hope this helps.

Warm and healing thoughts.

MCoaster

TTOL343
12 Posts

Hello @RBION It is kind of shocking how all of us here are connected to the one word - cancer - but each of our experiences are unique. I feel for you both and what you are going through.

I have stayed positive through most of my journey so far and desperately clung to every positive that I could. The negatives do have a way of building up and cracking your armor.

Five minutes at a time.

All the best to you both

elle29
669 Posts

I think your statement was a pun , was it ? Humour is a welcome release find it lots in entertainment . For sure this a hard message to receive just having cancer with no cure & ablations treatment . Sometimes U can feel like a test subject for the doctors to practice on not improving . I hop-e you get more then just what exists to try with others here to spur u on .
I just got side effects news from cancer treatment side effects and so goes the Merry Go Round .
Aftrer the anxiety leaves by contacting someone here , a peer cancer support , to know the underlying truth . And of what keeps us awake at night nagging at our inability to be calm .I sense you have realized yourself sounding quite calm and aware . This is a hump to allow yourself to feel but also get over your own habits & mental state cancer leaves you in stuck or a pathetic place . You do not want to stay there . But u do need to express these motions some way possible as others have done here in a balance .

Getting out being able to move is appreciative grateful place to be looking at what I can do to boost my endorphines , small steps after the vegetative state or numbness subsides or creeps back . An interest of something u always wanted to do close to home base & under care .
Or a person here knows themselves , and daring to giving us a kick in the butt or some will convey kindness . I find being proactive in something I can do . Some go beyond here campaigning in their community contacting those that can make a difference outside their cancer bubble . Eg **West Coast Sailor . If your brave enough . Then again left or put me in ignorance & fear cocooning Ie just by a comment what a pharmacist said about the reality I am in if I have a car accident it can cause bleeding more then normal .I have to get a bracelet for medic alert .
Yes we need to know be prepared but also how to make ours selves live better meanwhile doing what others here have found out . Focus on something that makes us feel better not toxic . Grab that brass ring in your skills to be aggressive , assertive , advocating in this if you have those executive skills ** to raise awareness where it can matter for others also with no cure or treatments available .
You may not have a cure but I pray 🙏 you get relief and stabilizing this cancer from coming back to stop growing at least to get to a more symptom manageable place find your old self of what composes you in healthy comforts .

Since I was told by an Oncologist about the small tiny spread( now almost gone in 9 mths TP ) risks of treatment it’s better for me then Radiation ☢️ or chemo & stage in a tender but factual professional caring way .But for u it may just be what you need in treatment as others here toook on the challenged advised by their Oncologists .
I was prepared to take on the challenge but needing motivation though through connecting with others here who gave their experience in a bigger picture or caring for a loved one . And what they did , then always caring the torch myself . Here there are groups to get u in a mindset ot thinking on other parts of your being .

I asked back how can it be treated if it travels by blood and lymphatic system to attach to the weakest organ or part of yourself vulnerable internally . You know about your body over the years bothering u with annoying symptoms habit to adjust in homeostasis or paining you to get your attention . For me my Oncologist did all the scans , tests it was recommended oral systemic targeted therapy . Stopping new cancer growth of other new therapies at a cellular level .

No one here mentions organ transplant or alternatives in Integrative Health you can ask your GP to consult for your needs to feel better , ok 👍

Imdo not have medical benêts of private or extended care so count your blessings . ON has OHIP we have less provincially that is not sufficient always causing doubts for moi . Now I have to wait for Pharmacists to get a “Special Order “ to get th new meds I have to be on , pay myself .

It can be very discouraging for yourself , especially in the organ you have it returning despite what is being done to treat this .What can u do to diagnosis meanwhile ? Q uestion : Stay on top of it from worsening . If it doesn’t work move on to what does . Its your body so grab the bull by the horn !
I may not be in your position but don’t lose HOPE , something can be done ! As someone on CC had brought up Immunotherapy .
Look with your family and groups like Wellspring to keep you motivated come along side you , to the researching more further. It’s common like we have to find more info for telling our doctors Ie with those in the states , to get better approaches missing in Canada That doctors look to also and consult . About Time that 20 years to move on then something that is not working ! Doctors experienced or new also become discouraged checking new research , even fo back to school further to know more as what exists is just not curing cancer ! As those with cancer are challenging this in asking new developments then the old ways thinking inside the box .So we look to our neighbours in th USA 🇺🇸 & else where globally or broader picture .

There is a FB group to read posts in Cancer Supports and Survival .

Well got to get up nourish myself and try cut the grass a little get moving so this clot does not travel to my Pulmanory System .Even my daughter called did I take the new meds and what am I doing .

Find your hero or heroine here on CC to keep hopeful 🆙 Remember your more then your cancer but do enlist supports , this is a good place to start those connections how to . Cheers make this weekend comfortable for you . Then get on it in a plan you make .
” Your more then just cancer . “ 👍 ✅

TTOL343
12 Posts

Famous saying…take one day at a time….for me I needed to reduce it to…five minutes at a time!

Cynthia Mac
3338 Posts
TTOL343‍ Our adaptation of the saying here on Cancer Connection is “Take it one day at a time, and if that’s too much, take it one hour at a time, and if that’s too much, take it one minute at a time.”

It’s often easier to say than to do, as you’re finding out.
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