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Partner undergoing treatment
teeny
1 Posts
Hello. I am new to this group and hesitant in posting. My partner has been diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma and has undergone 2 surgeries and is currently doing immunotherapy. It has not been a year since his diagnosis yet. We had a new relationship when he found out and continued on being together. It gets stressful at times and we seem to have a lot of arguments that don't resolve. We are currently seeing a psychologist. His treatment happens every four weeks and I had not noticed till now that the unrest in our relationship occurs around his treatment dates. He withdraws and it is not easy to feel so distant. I want to be there for him and help with his needs and at the same time I have needs and it makes me feel very guilty. This withdrawing creates feelings of being uncared and unloved. He hardly wants to see me or touch me or be around me. I am trying to be understanding but when he says very little to me it is hard. We are still getting to know soo much about each other and seems like we are not often on the same page. There are the times that align and it feels like precancer relationship. It is hard to distinguish between what was the honeymoon phase and what parts of the relationship may come back. We have been having the discussions around whether to stay together or break up because he says he wants to see the issues and work on them. These conversations make me feel more like he wants to break up with me than anything else. He says it is hard for him because he does not have the energy to put in as much effort to the relationship as he would like. I am just not sure what to do. During the arguments I want to come to solutions but he withdraws and then they just fester and become bigger issues than they should ever be.
4 Replies
Brighty
6286 Posts
teeny‍ I totally understand. I went through the same thing with my fiance. He could be depressed as well as terrified. I'm so glad you are seeing a psychologist. My fiance acted like he didnt want to be around me either. He was so affectionate before cancer and barely touched me or communicated with me during treatment. He was severely severely depressed. It's not that he didnt love or care for me, he was just going through inner hell and didnt know how to communicate it. Be was never one to show emotions so add cancer to the mix and it was hopeless. I learned to just take his lead at let him be. It took me a long time to figure that out too. My nagging didnt help matters. So when he wasnt in the mood to
communicate I just sat with him and held his hand. That way he knew I was still there but I wasnt going to pressure him.
Unfortunately cancer takes a toll on both the caregiver, the patient and the relationship. It's not easy on any level.
many times he would tell me he is no good to me and I should leave and live my life. He might have guilty feelings for you . He might feel he is being a burden on you and that's why he picks fights.... I showed my guy he was not a burden and I wasnt going anywhere. It was hard on me too forsure. I sought much counseling for myself to try and understand what he was going through and different ways to cope. I hope the councilling
Helps you both and that you keep having honest and open communication with each other. Let him know how much you love him and how much he means to you,cancer or not. Its not easy what you are going through and we are here to listen and support.
SandiG
21 Posts
Boy oh boy , do we hear you. The rollercoaster is real . Mood swings all the time. Sounds like you have it down to relating to some of the treatments . We are getting some social work starting today and hope to find some answers or coping skills , We all are so tired nd never would be like this Im sure , if it wasnt for the cancer. Strong base is always a good start so being in a new relationship Im sure was hard . . The day here always starts good and ends badly . I want to change that but need help too . stay reaching out and we will figured it out together
DMT
24 Posts
teeny‍ It would be so hard being in a new relationship and going through all of this at the same time. From a personal perspective I know that before each test ,etc was approaching for me I would feel terrified, barely able to function. I probably seemed withdrawn to others as inside my head I was spinning. As time went by, lots of time, I was mentally able to cope better. If your partners treatments make him feel awful during and after, he is probably mentally digging deep inside to get through it. About all I can offer for advice would be to just be there for him, relationship demands should probably wait until he feels better. And tell him that’s what you are prepared to do. I remember being really annoyed with my then husband when I was going through some serious stuff many years ago. He never said anything to me, making me feel like he didn’t care. Months later I had several friends tell me that he was constantly confiding in them how worried he was about me. Would have been nice if he had told me. Your idea about getting some impartial counselling is a good idea if the two of you are having difficulty communicating your needs and fears to each other. Hope you both feel better soon!
Cynthia Mac
2928 Posts
teeny‍ , I’m so glad you worked up the courage to post, and hope you are, too.

I’m one of those people who believes that people come to us for a reason, so therefore, I believe you landed in your lad’s life for a purpose.

As you know, open communication is important, and it’s really frustrating when “the other guy” doesn’t feel the same way about that. It might help you to journal your own feelings. Even if you don’t use them as reference, just writing them down will help you let those emotions go.

And, as DMT‍ Pointed out, sometimes all they need is for us to just “BE” with them, conversation highly optional.

Another option is to come here and post, where there are people who can relate to what you’re going through.
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