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Sadness *trigger warning*

Sadness *trigger warning*

Posted by frozenstar on Sep 13, 2020 7:06 pm

..I feel sad most of the time..as if I am alone in my own lonely universe.
thoughts of not being here anymore, of being allowed to rest...everyone acts like I should be better, back to my old self, but I never ever will be, and "the new normal" is awful.
everything hurts, I just count down the time til I get more Advil..
I fought so hard, but now it seems like a mistake bc life is so bad, so painful, that I just want it to stop.
I can't tell anyone, they get mad at me and want me to act happy...but I can't.
😢
sorry I am writing this, crying.
I wish I hadn't had the mastectomy or the chemo, I can't look at myself anymore bc I am so disfigured and broken..I dropped out of cancer treatment bc Dr said he was going to examine me, and I can't do that, I can't let anyone see me naked ever ever again..g-d..

.I am f-ed




 

Re: Sadness *trigger warning*

Posted by Wendy Tea on Sep 13, 2020 7:43 pm

frozenstar‍  I am so sorry to hear you are suffering.  I also felt like this a year ago. I knew I couldn't go on. I phoned my oncologist and they told me to stop taking my meds and made an appointment to see me the next day. It turned out I was having a reaction to the drugs.
I also felt afraid to look at my body. Then it slowly healed. Then my oncologist gave me a physical and he said my scar was beautiful.  That was the moment I decided to love my battle scar.
frozenstar‍  I know how hard this is. Many ladies and even men have had breast cancer. We all handle it differently.  Will you do one thing for me? Will you call your medical team and ask for help.  Please?  I want to hear from you. You and I have been on this road for a while. Stick with me. We can do it.
Healing takes time and opportunity. Wendy Tea

Re: Sadness *trigger warning*

Posted by Runner Girl on Sep 13, 2020 7:51 pm

frozenstar‍ ,

It breaks my heart to hear of your pain, both the physical and the mental.  I know others have expectations of you and don't understand how you feel now.  But hear this, WE understand.  WE have the same feelings and fears, you are not alone in this.

I'm having my own self esteem issues so I've started an online course.  I deserve to be here, to be alive and to value myself and so do you.  You may want to investigate similar.  Our self esteem takes a real beating with cancer and the physical changes.   Have you tried acupuncture for pain management? It works wonders for me. 

I'm still counting on that hug you offered up!

Runner Girl 

 
Never stop believing in HOPE because MIRACLES happen every day!

Re: Sadness *trigger warning*

Posted by Lacey_Moderator on Sep 13, 2020 8:14 pm

frozenstar

Thank you for trusting our community with your feelings. They matter and reaching out takes strength. 

You had been through a lot. A cancer diagnosis is life altering. Treating our mental health is sometimes forgotten. 

You can post ​​to us here anytime. But what about someone to talk to? You can call Crisis Services Canada at 1-833-456-4566 when you're feeling low and need someone to talk to they are available 24/7. If you find talking about it helpful maybe your family doctor can refer you to a counsellor. It's ok to need help. 

I'm going to send you a private message as well. 

Sending hugs,
Lacey


 

Re: Sadness *trigger warning*

Posted by frozenstar on Sep 13, 2020 8:42 pm

(((((massive hugs))))) and ty Runner GirlWendy TeaLacey_adminCCS‍ 
 

Re: Sadness *trigger warning*

Posted by Buffythevampire on Sep 13, 2020 10:41 pm

frozenstar‍ Before my mastectomy, I remember someone saying "they're just boobs", yes I know, but "they're my boobs" is what I wanted to say but didn't. The first time that I looked at myself after my mastectomy was the scariest and I didn't like the look at all. But I had an expander placed and it wasn't long before my new breast started taking shape.

The last time I had my appointment with my Plastic Surgeon I told him that he was the only person beside's myself who has seen my new boobs. In my head I know that he's done a good job but sometimes I wonder. They don't look like my old boobs and the new one's are not twins. I am still getting used to them. 

frozenstar‍ Don't let anyone tell you how to "act" . It's not happening to "them", it's happening to "you". It's going to take as long as you need to get used to the "new" you.

Re: Sadness *trigger warning*

Posted by Boby1511 on Sep 13, 2020 11:16 pm

frozenstar‍ 

I remember watching the clock for the next round of pain meds. I feel for you. I hope you find some peace.

Re: Sadness *trigger warning*

Posted by Kims1961 on Sep 14, 2020 12:52 am

frozenstar‍ I am glad you are continuing to post here and to let us know how you’re doing.This is not easy and you are making your way through, as hard as it is.

Maybe instead of dropping out of treatment because you can’t have anyone examine you yet, you just take a breather.  Take some time to ease into this new you.  Try small steps, af first.  Remember you have undergone significant surgery and treatment - it takes time. I remember a doctor called my mastectomy an amputation, which got me thinking of what it must be like for people who do lose limbs to amputation - how that affects their vision of themselves, their self esteem. It can take time.

The other idea would be to discuss with your family doctor how you are doing.  Where you are at with how you are feeling, your own mental health.  Are there some options for you that might help?  Lacey_adminCCS‍  provided you with a crisis number as well, so there is always someone available to listen, anytime of the day.

Sadness is mourning...it needs time.  Please take care. Let us know how you make out this week.
Kim
Her2+, ER+ Bilateral mastectomy in 2017, followed by chemo and radiation. Mack and Hannah's mom

Re: Sadness *trigger warning*

Posted by Essjay on Sep 14, 2020 8:26 am

frozenstar‍ no advice, just ((((hugs))), hoping you are feeling the love and support from everyone on cancerconnection as you navigate the new you and these new feelings.

Hope you can find someone to talk to and perhaps some happy pills to see you through xx
Triple Negative Breast Cancer survivor since July 2018

Re: Sadness *trigger warning*

Posted by Cynthia Mac on Sep 14, 2020 9:57 am

frozenstar‍ , you’ve heard from so many people who can fully relate to what you are experiencing. I cannot, so all I can ask you is, “What other parts of you are beautiful? Your eyes? Your smile? Something else?” If you possibly can, I encourage you to focus on these other aspects of your beauty in the hope that it will help you through.
“When the root is deep, there is no reason to fear the wind.” - Japanese saying

Re: Sadness *trigger warning*

Posted by gillianm on Sep 14, 2020 11:38 am

Your letter just about broke my heart.  Honestly, I don't know how to respond. And I don't have any useful advice.  Just reaching out to you with love, through your tears, to say I'm so sorry you are in the place you are now and struggling.

My best friend and I have a saying we share whenever things in life get tough and what we feel is deep and raw and the path forward is muddied:  "Put it in the drawer overnight".  That expression may seem trite given the enormity of what you are facing... But sometimes all we can do is to let go of the raging conversation going round and round in our heads, hang on, hang in, breathe and let a little time pass - give our bodies a break from the tears spilled and the mental turmoil over what we are going through, time to adjust, even unconsciously, to new realities ... And keep putting one foot in front of the other until a way through the painful present seems clearer. We don't need to decide or accept everything today, even if medical professionals are leaning on us to attend follow-ups and exams and the like. Tomorrow or another day after tomorrow is soon enough in which to make decisions.

Keep reaching out with your honesty to your friends and family, your oncology team and the caring people in this group who can relate and so want to help.  You will know when you are ready to take the next step in your cancer journey and what 'step' is right for you.

frozenstar‍ I wish I could say something more helpful.  Getting through cancer is the pitts but each of us will find a way through it. Please know that you are NOT ALONE.


 

Re: Sadness *trigger warning*

Posted by Whitelilies on Sep 14, 2020 4:39 pm

frozenstar‍ Hello
Please allow me to simply send you virtual hugs....filled with strength and positive thoughts.
We ALL have "dark" thoughts....to me, it is "normal"....what counts is HOW we leave those thoughts behind and MOVE FORWARD !

We are ALL listening, it is OK to share....both the good, the bad and the ugly. (I am FAR from beautiful first thing in the morning!!  My boys call me OLD, out loud ! ) lol

If possible, find what DOES bring you joy, and DO IT....
a walk in the park
sit under a tree
sip lemonade with ice
listen to Beethoven
buy online a new body lotion, scented!  Lavender is heavenly
donate to a good cause

Warmly,
Whitelilies

Lillian

We are ALL in this together!