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checking in
103 Posts
hi, hope all is well... i thought i would just attach a copy of the email I sent my family today
Well, it’s Michaels 65th birthday day.  And I am missing the f*** out of him.  You know mostly I think I am coping pretty well… I have to say my saving grace is painting…. if I didn’t have that I would be in a hospital I’m sure.  It’s so lonely, I know many of my extended family live by themselves and I’m sure its extremely hard on them too…. But I had 40+ years with Michael by my side….
Take yesterday, I was in Walmart and saw that ensure was on sale for a really good price and my automatic thinking was I have to get some – then it hits me – and with no shame I just start crying…..or last night I was talking to Garth saying how I would love a Harvey’s hamburger, and again it hits me….Michael and I would get an order of fries and onion wings and split a hamburger, so again I start to cry…..I know, I know, its only been a month… but but but.
On another note, my doctor is referring me to a doctor for knee surgery.  We knew for a good year I would have to have it, but I kept putting it off because I wouldn’t be able to look after Michael when I was recuperating.  There are several of these kinds of things I put off, and now, they are all hitting me at once…
My sleeping sucks but it has sucked for years.  I have had severa; sleepwalking incidences and the other day one of these sleep walking adventures included me drinking (I spit it out) coffee with honey mustard in it. *laughing*
Thankfully Noah my doctor calls me once a week to ‘check-in’…. I told you he is the doctor you wish you had!!!.
Anyway, here is a link to some of my paintings…. It’s a website and trust me I know it needs a lot of work,  I will get there but it will take time.
Do you know the reference of ‘squirrel’ …. well that’s me
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7068 Posts
Vox‍  oh crap I wrote you a message  then clicked on something  and lost it all.   Thanks you for letting us know how you are doing and sharing  your beautiful  art work with us.  You are extremely  talented! !!!!     Will you do anything  for Michaels bday? What was his favorite  cake?     I had to smile  at your sleep walking.     I did that once too.  Hope I can make you laugh with this one.    I stayed over at Dan's place one weekend.   His dad lived there but was not there on weekends.   Anyways his dad used one of those netipots to clean his nose and he left  the remnants of it in a glass on the table    (lovely huh) well in the middle  of the night I got up and DRANK it !!!!  When Dan told me what I drank I never lived it down.    I was so grossed out !!!! Dan laughed hysterically.      Anyways hope I made you laugh a bit.   It will take time to nagivagte  through  the grief  process  but you are one strong lady.   We are here for you.     Continue to update us.  Big hugs to you.   You are not alone.     
1181 Posts
Lovely to hear from you Vox‍ 
Sounds like you are finding your way - bumps and all - down your new road. As always you carry yourself with pose and grace.
Interesting on what will suddenly trigger us, eh?
I have fallen deeply in love with your work! Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!
Please continue to take care, especially with your upcoming surgery. Remember to listen to your physiotherapist - they will be your best friend on the road to recovery.
Stay in touch and keep painting!

Okay I'm hanging up my brushes. Those paintings are incredible.  Evocative Amazing what comes out of pain and loss.

The "moments" come for a while. Even 18 months down the road, I still get overwhelming moments. Not good when your son looks at you says "You're not over her are you?" as the tears roll down your face. I looked back and said, "I'll never be 'over her.' She was part of my life for twenty years. I hope you are okay with that."

Good to hear though that you are getting on with getting on.

Vox‍  Pamela

So good to hear from you. I have been thinking of you. Thank you for sharing your update. While i did not lose a partner of 40+ years, just yesterday I said something about my dad who passed 27 years ago, and the tears started to flow. I was out enjoying a bevy in a park on a sunny day. Sometimes it just hits you and I think that is okay. To me it means there is something very special to be missed.

I know you have shared some of your paintings on here but it really didn't do it justice like seeing it laid out in your website gallery. And even more so in person I suspect. You are so very talented.

Take care

Cynthia Mac
3236 Posts
Vox‍ Thank you for your candid update. Sometimes it truly is “the little thing” that sets off the emotions. Someone once chided me for using the term “sets off,” and as I recall, we ended up settling on calling these things “touchstones,” so if that works for you, use it!

btw, Canvas #5 is my favourite... I love the colours!

Lianne_adminCCS‍ - kinda not looking forward to that. I know it’s the best we’re left with, but I’m kinda not looking forward to that.
Runner Girl
1884 Posts
Vox‍ ,

Thank you for checking in with us and sharing your updates.  Your paintings are absolutely incredible!  Keep at it.

Your sleep walking story made me giggle.  My mom had a sleep walking story she told often.  Usually after she told me I was sleep talking again.  Any way,  she apparently got up, got dressed and was heading out the door when her dad, my grandpa, asked her where she was going.   Her reply was she was going out for chips (fries).  He told her "like hell you are, get back to bed".  So, apparently she went back to bed without question.

I'm glad you have a doctor that takes such good care of you.  Good luck with the knee fix.

Runner Girl 
So good to read your check in and connect with you again.

First off...WOW....your art work is amazing! I'm so glad you have art as an outlet. I loved the first one in the gallery then as I flipped through I realized I loved them all. I'm curious does your art change based on what you are going through?

Sounds like you finally have some time for some self care. It may be out of your comfort zone after caring for someone else for so long. You deserve to feel the best you can. 

Always wonderful to hear from you,
103 Posts
thank you all for your kind words and on-going support.
I was to take 5 kids ages 12 - 5 camping in my back 40 this weekend... however the mother of one of the children is going for a covid test.... so plans are on hold till we hear her results.....

Lacey.... the dark ones are.... me feeling down, sad, for a moment in time without hope... the bright ones are more about me seeing a future, having finished of a task of paperwork dealing with Michaels estate, feeling comfortable and that moment of time, 

and then there are the one's I dont post... which are pure anger.... anger in paperwork, anger in crazy drivers, anger in covid, anger i have to do the laundry.... but never anger in Michael's death... it was not his fault, he had no say..... as I repeat.... It was his choice, he is no longer in pain and I will be ok

103 Posts
Hello Vox‍ ,
I am very sorry to hear of your loss.  your grief is real, and I absolutely love your water colours.  Canvas number 11 speaks to me.  But i love all of them bright and dark!  Your emotions are finding an outlet, and it's wonderful to see.
WestCoastSailor‍ , it's not time to put your brushes away!  I'm even thinking of bringing mine back out, even though I haver very little talent in that area.  Stainglass was my passion, but with chemo, I am not allowed to do it, cuts and lead are not recommended.  LOL  But Vox‍ and yourself are inspiring me to find another outlet for my peace of mind, thank you both! <3 

Time heals, but those who had our heart and devotion will always find a way to reach out and touch us.  That's how we remember how important they were to us <3 

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