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Here I Go Again

Here I Go Again

Posted by IamJay on Jun 25, 2020 1:33 pm

I've just completed breast cancer radiation, surgery behind me, regained enough energy and was so looking forward to moving on in my life when....
I've discovered a new mass which is likely to be a recurrence of malignant melanoma. I am so so stunned and disappointed. I was first diagnosed with mucosal 
​​​​malignant melanoma in my vulva in 2007. I've had many surgeries since then that were progressively more invasive and now I fear that the spot that my family doctor found in my vagina is a recurrence.
I'm so tired from this emotional rollercoaster. I think I've been a pretty good sport through all of this cancer nonsense but wonder where I'll keep finding the strength to get through yet another round of this. I know that I will but I'm really running short of patience with this and feeling very sorry for myself. It seems that over the last 13 years I've just gotten through a round of challenges and looking forward to getting on with my life when I'm tagged again with something that stops me in my tracks. It's like a joke from the universe and I'm just waiting to wake up to hear some say 'just kidding'.
Phone call with Oncologist is later today to hear her plan for me now. I suspect.another round of biopsies and tests and more waiting....
I was actually lookimg forward to being able to return to work on Monday from my breast cancer medical leave. It'll be hard to tell them that I now have another cancer to deal with.... I think it's time to go off work indefinitely....it's just too much to work and cope with the cancer crap.

Re: Here I Go Again

Posted by Runner Girl on Jun 25, 2020 4:04 pm

IamJay‍ ,

I am so sorry you're back on the merry go round.  Sometimes life really isn't fair.  I hope your call with the Oncologist results in a good plan, that isn't to terribly difficult and will hopefully work toward giving you some "time off".  You've more than earned that.  You certainly deserve the title Cancer Warrior!

Let us know what the next steps are and how we can help you go down this road again.

Runner Girl
Never stop believing in HOPE because MIRACLES happen every day!

Re: Here I Go Again

Posted by jorola on Jun 28, 2020 8:12 pm

How did the phone call go IamJay‍ ?
Live, Laugh, Love

Re: Here I Go Again

Posted by IamJay on Jun 28, 2020 9:03 pm

thanks for checking in.
I'm all set up for a CT an MRI and biopsy all next week.  Who knows how long results will take but the wait will be a challenge as always.

Re: Here I Go Again

Posted by Kims1961 on Jun 28, 2020 10:24 pm

IamJay‍  You said it so well!!  Sometimes - its like - really? Now this?

Each time i tried to return to work, some weird side effect from treatment popped up .  I almost ”retired” 2 years ago, but hung in there to see how things worked out.  I’m assuming you are on a medical leave? It may be worth, just waiting to see how these tests go .  Medical leaves are for exactly this , so i am hoping you can remain on a leave.

The other part i hear, is the emotional mental health toll this is taking.  Absolutely - boy - you have been on this rollercoaster.  Was there anything before that helped you through? Connections with family or friends? Things that you enjoy doing that can help provide some distraction? You sound very resilient - even if you don’t feel it sometimes.  At the same time, sometimes having a safe person to talk to -like a social worker or counsellor can help.

Please let us know how you’re doing.  Take care, Kim
Her2+, ER+ Bilateral mastectomy in 2017, followed by chemo and radiation. Mack and Hannah's mom

Re: Here I Go Again

Posted by IamJay on Jun 28, 2020 11:22 pm

I did decide to go back to work for one day and then take a personal day and a couple of sick days before I go off again on another medical leave. I feel so grateful that I have the benefits that I do at work so I don't have to worry too much.
I've had some practice on this emotional rollercoaster too so just had to remember what helps me! In the beginning, before results of tests and a treatment plan is always the hardest part. I try to keep things in the bubble of the present moment but this time has been harder since I heard the words metestatic melanoma cells. That really send me for a spin for a few days. After doing some reading and talking openly with my partner about my biggest fears I have settled into a calmer place for now. 
We have both also sought out counselling and should be able to start seeing someone in a few weeks I think. 
Having distractions helps too but sometimes with Covid this is a challenge. I love spending time with my 2 1/2 year old grandson but I not really sure if this is a good idea right now?
Today was a better day....
Thanks again

Re: Here I Go Again

Posted by jorola on Jun 29, 2020 2:27 am

Thanks for checking in IamJay‍ 
I am sorry to hear it is more hurry up and wait but I am wishing you all the best in your upcoming test and may you get answers (good ones) fast.
I am most happy about you being in a happier and calmer place. It is a difficult place to find these days. Take it where you can find it and let it give you strength.
Counseling for you and your partner is a good thing too. Hope that can start real soon for you. Take solace and help where ever you need. Asking for help is a sign of great strength.
You have great resilience in you. I know you must be tired of drawing on it but remember, if it is tough day, you have beaten those back before and won.
Talk again soon.
Live, Laugh, Love