Let's Discuss...Empathy vs Sympathy

Helentess‍ , My theory about some of what you’ve experienced with people such has you’ve encountered is that sometimes, a cancer diagnosis helps us to see people for what they really are. (I intentionally didn’t say “who they are.”)

I think that, sometimes, it’s ok to give ourselves permission to send those people “back out into the universe” so that there is more room in our life for the people who will serve us better - the health care team, the people at the support groups, etc.

I am sorry, though, that the people in your experience took the topic of your cancer to such a base level. 

Regarding the people who have “abandoned you,” may I say that you deserve better. Over the years, I used to be one of those people who was always making the phone call, and at some point, I decided to go a few months and just not reach out. I concluded that if those people were supposed to be part of my life, they would get in touch, and if not, it freed me up to spend time with those who did check in from time to time. Fast forward a decade or two, I now have a network of people who exchanges our “getting in touch.” I’ve found that, as a result, our conversations are more balanced, and feel as though the people in my life today genuinely care about my well-being.

SpeedyStill‍ , as I read your post, I was reminded of the character Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory. His awkward inability to show empathy was, in a way, one of the most endearing reasons to watch the show. He couldn’t offer the comfort of “a hot beverage” without explaining that he was offering it as a means of providing comfort, at the same time making it clear that he didn’t know how to relate on a different level.

Picasso’s mannequin‍ , you raise a point, too, that we don’t often encounter here on the site - one where the patient is the one who struggles with the empathy coming their way. 

What a great explanation of the two!
thank you😀
Clarke 

Helentess:
Sympathy
When I was first diagnosed with cancer in 2018, my friends and family were supportive and offered help and support to me and my spouse. However, when my cancer recurred within a few months in 2019, most of those same people assumed that I would survive the chemotherapy and cancer as I did before. So they did not offer anything except that “it was too bad the cancer back”.
I did not tell everyone, but only told a select few friends about my cancer coming back. Because last time, some of those so-called-friends made me a topic of gossip at the “Happy Hour” gatherings during the summer months that I could not attend because of my being sick from chemotherapy side effects. Even to point to the point of making jokes about me being bald, walking with a cane and not drinking with them. I was not one of the party people anymore and an open target for jokes. I did not tell any of those people that my cancer came back. I was so hurt, disappointed, and angry about how they treated me about my cancer the first time.
Of all the people that I told about my cancer recurrence in Oct 2019 , I did not hear from most of them again until Christmas. No phone calls, texts, emails, nothing from them to even check if I was still alive. I always made the first step to contact them. Even then they shunned me by offering excuses not to see me for a visit, meet for lunch, etc. After I saw those friends at Christmas, it was the same no contact. It’s mid-February and none of them has phoned, texted, or emailed or tried to make contact. I tried engaging some of them in January, but they always have convenient excuses. So I stopped trying. This time it’s just me and my spouse and a couple of close friends who are also going through cancer/chemo at the same time, although different cancers.
So my point is that some people were sympathetic to my cancer for the first time. But not for the second time. “Been there, done that. Give us a call when cancer is over.” It’s like sympathy can only be offered once for the same reason. There is a limit on sympathy. It’s no joke. I actually had one person say to call them once I finished my chemo and the cancer was gone, and until then they would be out of the picture. They just could not deal with me having cancer again. It was just “too much for them to handle.”
Empathy
When I told people (who have cancer themselves) about my cancer, those people had a genuine understanding. They listened and understood my concerns and feelings. When I talk with my cancer friends, it is a different type of conversation. We don’t feel sorry or pity one another, but talk openly about the cancer and our future – good or bad. We discuss symptoms, treatments, side effects and even fears of dying. Empathy doesn't leave us feeling alone.
 

there have been some wonderful responses concerning the discussion on empathy versus sympathy...
I think that a person has to go through something in order to truly empathize with the other person...you won't fully know what it's like to have cancer until you get diagnosed with cancer yourself...but that's just my two cents...

Lacey_adminCCS‍
Thanks Lacey, for inviting responses.
Here's my 2 cents:   Empathy is expressing support for someone whose situation you have experienced first hand; whereas sympathy is expressing similar support, although the person has not experienced the situation directly.
I received both during my cancer struggles. I did prefer empathy as it gave me more trust that the person expressing it actually knew what I/ they were talking about and I could learn from them and be really comforted.
I also received lots of sympathy, yet it seemed to come from someone with a lot of uncomfortable confusion and well-meaning but annoying suggestions, such as: "You are so tough, but you really just need to eat and gain weight"  Because it was too painful for me to eat or swallow, and everyone contacting me knew that fact, I felt really demeaned; but I learned from my oncology counselor to smile and  say "Yes, my medical team is working on that".  That ended the bull**it. right away, without insulting anyone.
It was nice to be in someone's thoughts, but it would have been better not to feel as if a judgment was required for sympathetic support of me and my cancer fight.
law
 

Yesterday, someone I hardly know did something really nice for me and my husband.  A volunteer respite worker, whom I have only met twice, asked me to email her a photo of my husband so that she could see what he looked like before the cancer ate most of him away.  I ended up sending her three photos, late Friday afternoon.  When I got to the hospital on Saturday morning, all three were printed and framed and sitting on his bedside table.  I don’t even know how she did that, but it was a truly wonderful thing to do.  It not only reminded me of what a good life we had had, but it let the hospital staff see  who they were actually caring for.  Even our GP had never seen my husband before he got sick, and took time to look at the photos and say how glad he was that he’d seen them.  I would say this thoughtful deed was definitely empathy, not sympathy.
FYI WestCoastSailor‍ , that’s an original Cape Dory dinghy, over 40 years old and still going strong.

Me: I am feeling so terrible right now.
Everyone Else: Well, you only have "x" number of treatments left and then you're done.
Me: But between the exhaustion, pain, skin and mouth sores, etc, I feel overwhelmed
Everyone Else: But you will be done this soon.

Not one of my supporters/friends/family/etc acknowledged what I was feeling.  All they wanted to do was tell me it would be over soon. 

JacquelineM‍ 

I am sorry you are feeling like you are not being heard by your circle. I found the same when I was in treatment and for some time after. I think "they" think they are being helpful by pumping us up and trying to see the positive angle but what it often does is negate our own feelings. Thank you for expressing this. I for one understand and I know many others here do as well. We may not be able to take away the exhaustion, pain and  sores but we do understand it.

Lianne

Lianne_adminCCS‍ thank you. I know they mean well, but it has definitely been off-putting.  And definitely something I have learned from too!