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Grumpy and upset

Grumpy and upset

Posted by Dhenne on Dec 27, 2019 11:51 pm

I really tried not to get annoyed, but I just blee up today. It's been a stressful week
 my family and my husbands spent Christmas with us, so obviously I cleaned up and prepared to host. Even though they said I dont have to worry, I still have to clean up the mess, I have 2 dogs and I've been doing all the housework since my hubby's been busy with his work and all. I feel guilty for not being to volunteer as much as I wanted. Ive been tired and guilty too asking my hubby to drive me to the volunteer location. Also I end up at home, organizing and cleaning non stop. I just feel frustrated thatvthats all I do. I whine sometimes, but then my hubby thinks I complain all the time and he has this way of making it seem like I am complaining about everything l, well maybe I am because I'm frustrated for just being home not doing my normal routine, like work. I'm just soo frustrated. I just want to give up. Sometimes I just want to sleep and never wake up. I'm tired of trying to get used to this new routine of feeling guilty all the time, asking for favors. I just want to sleep. I just want my hubby to leave me and start a new life with someone else and not waste it with me. I hate having family over all the time checking up how I'm doing. I feel like crap and I just want to be left alone. It's soo hard dealing with all these stress. I'm supposed to be happy, but I'm not. I dont know why. My fam were here for Christmas and all I felt was stress. I'm not happy. I'm not sure what's going on with me. I'm suppose to be thankful of all these support I'm getting, instead I feel guilt. I dont know what and how to feel anymore. I just want to sleep. 

Re: Grumpy and upset

Posted by Brighty on Dec 28, 2019 12:02 am

Dhenne‍  your post concerns me.   It sounds like you are going through  a seious depression.     Your statement  'I just want to sleep and never wake up. ' Is a huge cry for help and I'm very concerned.      Does anyone  know you are feeling  this way?   Have you been able to tell anyone in your family  that you are feeling this bad?     There are distress hot lines that you can call 24 hours a day, or if you need to please go to your nearest emergency  room and speak to the social worker or phychiastrist  on call there.      Holidays put pressure  on a lot of people but it sounds like it was just too much for you this  time.    Please let me know  what city you are in so I can  look up a distress line for you.     In Toronto  it's 310 cope.   
Help is out there. All you have to do is reach out.

Re: Grumpy and upset

Posted by Wendy Tea on Dec 28, 2019 12:26 am

Dhenne‍ , Brighty‍ is right. You need help now. Please seek out help. The time to be strong is past. You need comfort. You dont have to feel happy all the time. But you need to forgive yourself for not being able to cope. It is ok to struggle. It is ok to feel stressed. Now is the time to forget about what is going on around you. Right now, the only thing that matters is you.‍  Focus on getting better by asking for help. 
There are many reasons why you might be stressed. Medications,  holidays,  family,  winter, etc. The reason is not as important as it is to get help. Give those pups of your a big hug and make that call.
We are here waiting to hear you are ok.
Wendy Tea 
I am a survivor. Wendy Tea

Re: Grumpy and upset

Posted by Ten77 on Dec 28, 2019 9:52 am

Sounds like you are having a crap time, 
like the above folks I’d recommend seeing your dr or a counsellor just to monitor for depression.  Depression is a bio chemical brain issue, it is not a choice or weakness.  There are  very effective treatments both drug and therapy based.  You don’t need to feel like this , if this was symptoms of a heart attack  you would probably seek urgent help, depression is no less serious.  The good  news is with treatment you will feel so much better. 

you don’t have to feel x y or z , yes family was there but that is still stressful, you are allowed to say no.  No I don’t want to do a big Christmas or no I don’t want to host.  Happy things can cause stress.  
 

Re: Grumpy and upset

Posted by Lacey_adminCCS on Dec 28, 2019 10:11 am

Dhenne‍ 

I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

I sent you a private message in your inbox.

Lacey

Re: Grumpy and upset

Posted by WestCoastSailor on Dec 29, 2019 8:07 am

Dhenne‍ 

And that is the trouble with Afatinib. On the outside we look fine (well except for the rash) but on the inside there is a struggle going on. Is this the drug not working anymore at every ache and pain? And the fatigue. That's the one that really gets me. I keep thinking I can do all this. Flying, long days gabbing with folks, helping with meals... all the stuff that goes with holidays and on the day after Boxing day I slept. And slept. And slept. And I finally realized that I had overdone it. Oh and throw a time change in there for good measure.

Sometimes I think I need a shirt that says "I have an expiry date and it's closer than you think." Really I am more than a cancer diagnosis so I want to have all those wonderful conversations. I want to be part of all the experiences. I want to be fine. But I'm not. And accepting that and setting limits has been part of my disease. I know that I'm really doing okay. There is a difference though between okay and great.

Managing expectations has been hard. I have to set some boundaries in the holidays. I'm not available the same hours as everybody else. And I'm going to just sit here sometimes and listen sometimes. Ripping the mask off and being grumpy sometimes is fine too. My grand nieces and nephews know that there are times when it is not okay to climb all over me.

For me another challenge has been asking for help. I didn't bring an adequate supply of my blood pressure medication on my travels and I needed to sort that out. Borrow my car and drive into the city says my brother. After spending an hour plotting my route to the nearest Shoppers Drug Mart, I realized that I wasn't excited about the drive. So I asked for help. "Are you up for an adventure?" I asked my brother. And an adventure it turned into! The pharmacy wouldn't give me an emergency seven days. I had a recently filled 90 day prescription with no refills. They wanted  a new doctor's prescription. So my brother took my to a small rural pharmacy who picked up the phone, got a copy of my prescription for their records, and dispensed the medication ($1.74 for the medication, $0.52 for profit, and a dispensing fee of $11.00) Had my brother not been along it would have turned into a real nightmare instead of an adventure.

This is indeed a wild roller coaster. Feeling emotions isn't a bad thing. What we do with them is another matter. I echo the advice above. Get a sober second opinion and help.

Stay in touch.

Angus
My story: http://journey.anguspratt.ca