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The ups and downs

The ups and downs

Posted by momma bear1963 on Dec 9, 2019 7:05 am

Hi everyone...I'm back....not sure how long it's been since I've been on here.  A few things have changed since sept so I'll start there.  Went to see luke Bryant in Toronto and ever sense I've been declining  big time.  MRI of aug 30 showed tumor shrunk from 1.9 to 1.7 to 1.4...was really feeling optimistic but my recent mri of nov 23 shows it's more than doubled in size at 2.2.  Doc is sending me to neurologist for special MRI tomorrow..  suspect scar tissue?  I've got the medical world up here confused.  I am still very cognitive and physically able to care for myself despite not being able to walk or stand.  I have strength in one leg but not the other..  my hands are weakening but I can still cook and bake.  I do as much housework as I can that I can reach from a wheelchair with those grabby things.  My body core keeps leaning to the left so I am forever correcting myself upward and when trying to write emails find myself falling forward to the screen.  My eyesight is horrible.   And my temperament boy gas that changed.  I have good days and bad days.  With Christmas coming I find myself angry that I cant participate in activities or even go to a mall to shop.  I have six grandkids that I have shopped for via the internet.  Just not the same.  If the doc is right this will be my last Christmas.   My grandkids live far away so I cant even visit as my body cant handle the drive.  Their younger so a trip this time of year is too hard on them.  ...the specialist I am seeing is 5 hours away which means an over night stay in Toronto  and cost of room travel etc...and that's just for the consult.  Another trip for the MRI?  And to top it off my son has to take 2 days off of work to come get me and do what we have to do....and for what?  To determine if I'm going to be around much longer?  I've not given up yet but I'm frustrated.  And tired.  People on here usually hear the upbeat cindy but not today.   So many thoughts in my head.....the ups and downs of cancer I guess......I want my normal life back....the good. The bad.  And the ugly.     Uuuugggghhh 

Re: The ups and downs

Posted by Treepeo on Dec 9, 2019 10:02 am

Hi momma bear1963‍,

Having cancer is such an emotional roller coaster.  As you said, you have good days and bad.  And you just want to be normal again.  No more tumours, no more scans, no more trips to the doctor.  No more physical limitations.  Darn it, this disease robs us of so much.  It's really terrible.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you feel better, but I can't.  What I will say is that you have been through a lot and you're still kicking.  And that says volumes about your strength and resilience. 

Don't sell yourself short,  momma bear1963‍.  You are beautiful and important, and you are loved.  I hope good things come your way.  You are in my thoughts.

Re: The ups and downs

Posted by ashcon on Dec 9, 2019 10:51 am

Hi momma bear1963‍ 
Thanks for the update and for being honest about where your head is right now. I think many of us want to maintain and present the "upbeat cindy" on this site, as you so accurately put it.  But there are days when we're not upbeat. Nor can we guess when, how, or why we will have a more positive outlook again.
I know that on those days, I usually don't visit this site, or post anything, as I don't want to spread any dark and stormy thoughts. So thank you for coming here and sharing openly. 
I recall seeing a post a short while ago from someone (I can't recall who) who wondered if they were allowed to talk about death, or impending death on this site. 
I say "heck yes"!   As we know, many cancer patients do go into remission and thrive & survive for a long time. But many don't, and (understandably) have a hard time dealing with what  And this is definitely a safe place to share, vent, and ask for help & support when struggling with the feelings that come with facing one's own mortality.

Good luck with the MRI tomorrow. Am curious about what they find, so let us know!

We may not be able to fix your problems, but we can guarantee you won't have to face them alone.
---- "Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced." ----

Re: The ups and downs

Posted by Wendy Tea on Dec 9, 2019 11:09 am

momma bear1963‍ , thank you for sharing your update. It is bad enough to get a cancer diagnosis. It is bad enough to have difficulty getting to treatment.  It is bad enough to find out treatment is not working.  It is bad enough that you are struggling with mobility. The very worst is having to say your good byes.

The best is being around those who love you. The best is having time to share your feelings of love with friends and family. The best is having a safe place to vent as you struggle with new challenges. 

My wish is that this nasty disease had a cure. Thank you for your strength in this difficult time. Please continue to share if you are able and to receive solace from your supporters on this site.

Thank you
Wendy Tea 
I am a survivor. Wendy Tea

Re: The ups and downs

Posted by momma bear1963 on Dec 9, 2019 12:21 pm

Hi everyone.....I usually can find a funny side to everything but feeling a little overwhelmed these days.  Glad I can come here and vent.  No judgements.  Living alone things pile up and when there's no one to really Express yourself to you find yourself lost.  Coming here seems to help lift some of the weight so thank you.  Quick question..what do you do with creditors who constantly call despite you telling them  " I cant show you the money I ain't got none"?  Lol

Re: The ups and downs

Posted by Lacey_adminCCS on Dec 9, 2019 1:30 pm

momma bear1963‍ 

Thank you for sharing with us how you're "really" doing. You can be real here and vent with us.

I would suggest calling our Cancer Information Service there may be services in your area that can help. You can reach them at 1-888-939-3333. Regarding the creditors calling are you able to ask to speak to a Manager and let them know about your situation and see what they recommend? Maybe you might be able to at least stop the calls for the time being.

Thinking of you and sending strength.


Re: The ups and downs

Posted by momma bear1963 on Dec 9, 2019 2:15 pm

That's how it all started.  I wanted to do the responsible thing and let them know what was happening...now I cant get them to stop calling.   They want to make payment arrangements despite the fact theirs no money lol

Re: The ups and downs

Posted by Lacey_adminCCS on Dec 9, 2019 2:37 pm

momma bear1963‍ 

Oh no! Sorry to hear that. Do you have caller ID 😊

Re: The ups and downs

Posted by Essjay on Dec 10, 2019 7:42 am

momma bear1963‍ its good to hear from you, and please don't worry about sharing the bad and the ugly. It's a safe place here, and we are all here for you.

You have a lot on your plate dealing with your treatment and worrying about seeing family. Are you able to use technology to talk to your grandkids? Face time, Messenger, Skype? I find these essential with my family across the Atlantic, and the great thing is my niece can call me any time without Mum. She set the iPad up to show me her gym practice on the beam in the garden the other day which was awesome to share. When I can't go and visit very often these moments ’face to face’ are precious.

Good luck with the MRI xx
Triple Negative Breast Cancer survivor since July 2018

Re: The ups and downs

Posted by MCoaster on Jan 15, 2020 1:55 am

Momma bear 1963

No wonder sometimes you feel angry!   This a good place to vent and the Cancer Society also can pair you with a phone volunteer who has first hand experience of different types of cancers either as a patient or caregiver.   I think we all need someone who we don’t feel the need to somewhat protect, like family, who we can talk to knowing that they understand.   I know that my volunteer was a great help.

Regarding your problem phone calls.   Have you been in contact with The Credit Counselling Services which is a non-profit, free counselling services which may be able to talk to your creditors and offer suggestions to you? I do realize that your health makes your situation different from the norm and that there are some fraudsters out there so you may want to also involve a trusted friend or family member in the conversation.  I know someone who received very nasty calls and he was told not to enter into conversation with the collection agency but to direct them to the counselling services. With their help he eventually declared bankruptcy which “cleaned his slate”.   The Canadian Cancer Society may also have someone who could help with legal or financial issues.   You certainly don’t need nasty phone calls on top of everything else.

There is little else that I can add which has already been said here but I do send hugs and hope that you may find some respite.   As someone who’s job was to help others you deserve to have all the help we can give you.