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My inspiration passed last night

My inspiration passed last night

Posted by Dhenne on Dec 2, 2019 3:27 am

I heard the hardest news last night, that my friend who had breast cancer died. I bawled my eyes out. She's been my strength in my journey, her words made me strong. I can still hear her voice everytime I feel down. But then she died, I feel like dying too. It's soo soo sad. Last night was bad. I want to go back and have that chance to hug her and tell her how much she helped me. I'm too busy with my own thing and I was not there with her.  I want to hug her I want to talk to her. I texted her several times and wondered why she was not responding.  She missed our Christmas party, and I did not think of her at all. I feel terrible. Really really terrible. I've known her for such a short time but she made a lasting impact on my life and she still do. I will live in her words forever. I'm soo sad. 🥺

Re: My inspiration passed last night

Posted by Brighty on Dec 2, 2019 7:14 am

Dhenne‍  I'm so very sorry for yor loss.   I hope you can find comfort in the memories  you shared with your friend.      I believe  she will continue to guide you and send you strength as you go through  your own journey.       We are with you.    

Re: My inspiration passed last night

Posted by ACH2015 on Dec 2, 2019 7:14 am

Hi Dhenne

I am sorry you have lost your friend. It is a shock to loose someone close to you, and this can be so much more difficult when both you and the friend have been fighting cancer together.

I met a woman at hospital that shared the same cancer as me early into my treatment plan. We became friends, kept in touch and shared so much in the time that followed. Then she died. It is devastating, a shock and difficult to find a way to move forward. I read your post and remembered many of the same feelings. I'm sorry to say this is normal.

I want to share some wise words from the Canadian Cancer Society:

Grieving after someone dies can be a long and painful process. There is no set time period for grieving. Given time and support, you will begin to heal, accept the loss and adjust. Most people find that their emotions and physical symptoms of grief start to lessen between 6 months and 2 years after the death of a loved one. People who fully experience grief usually find that they can be happy again and may even find that they feel stronger and more capable than they did before.

To cope with grief, you can:

  • Let yourself cry as often as you need to. It’s part of the healing process.
  • Allow yourself to feel sadness, pain, anger and any other emotions.
  • Forgive yourself for the things that you may have said or done or didn’t say or do.
  • Join a grief support group or talk to a counsellor who specializes in grief.
  • Prepare yourself for the emotions that may come up on birthdays, anniversaries and holidays.
Grief and Cancer is a good resource to help us understand what we are feeling, and how to help us get through the process.

Talk about your feelings, and don't isolate yourself. Grief is a personal process that we all go through in our own way. You can still share your feelings with your friend, write your thoughts and feelings down in a letter to express things you may not have had time to do before her death, and express how much you miss her, and what she meant to you. Expressing our feelings in sharing, writing, attending celebrations of life, donating to the charity of the person's choice or in remembrance of your choice are all ways we can celebrate the person we've lost and help us through the grieving.

Take care and take the time you need.

ACH2015

Re: My inspiration passed last night

Posted by Brighty on Dec 2, 2019 7:19 am

Dhenne‍  like ACH2015‍  Iike  Andy said it's never too late to write about your feelings.   I write to my fiance all the time.  You can join our group "coping with grief " on the site and there are some really great people in the group .   We chat back and forth about our grief... and topics related to grief.    You can express whatever  you are feeling in the group and we will support you .   

Re: My inspiration passed last night

Posted by Wendy Tea on Dec 2, 2019 9:33 am

Dhenne‍   I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure she knew the strength of your bond.  Sometimes we are not able to be with friends and family but that doesn't mean you don't love them or think of them. Maybe you could share your feelings by sending her family a note of kindness telling them how much you valued her.
I see you have dogs. Please give them a cuddle from me.
You are in my thoughts
Wendy Tea 

Re: My inspiration passed last night

Posted by Lianne_adminCCS on Dec 2, 2019 11:45 am

Dhenne‍ 
I am so very sorry for your loss. I am glad you thought to reach out here and I hope you feel the support you have received already

Take care

Lianne

Re: My inspiration passed last night

Posted by Cynthia Mac on Dec 3, 2019 6:37 am

Dhenne‍ , I , too, got a similar phone call last night. My “second oldest and best” friend (we’ve known each other since the early 1980s) lost her son to cancer. I’ve known for about a month that he was at the end stage.

You did reach out to her, and you know it can be a private time for the family. That could by why you weren’t getting responses. Like you, I kept some distance with my friend, and I’ve only been checking in with a private message to let her know I was here if she needed anything, just for that reason.

You know, you mention that your friend was like a mentor to you through your cancer journey, and that she herself had cancer. I believe that she knows how you felt, because she probably had some “angel” show up and mentor her at some point. 

Sometimes we aren’t supposed to reciprocate - sometimes we are supposed to pay it forward. There are times in our life where people just “drop in” and do something for us we never knew we needed.  These people just “pop by” to help us through. When this used to happen to me, I’d say to my Mom, “the angels are out there.” I’m sure that at some point, you’ll be someone’s “angel,” and in that way, you’ll pay your friend’s good deed forward, and that will honour her memory well. 

I’m sorry for your loss and ask that you be kind to yourself.

Re: My inspiration passed last night

Posted by WestCoastSailor on Dec 3, 2019 7:12 pm

Dhenne‍ 

Thanks for sharing your struggle. It seems that sometimes grief for people we have met on our cancer journey can be deeper and harder to deal with than with other kinds of loss.

Part of it is knowing that we are on that same trajectory but part of it just wishing you could comfort them on that final part of the passage.

I don't talk about it much but I knew my wife was dying. She had been keening all day -  a soft sighing breathing that often comes at the end - that can be hard to listen to. I went to get one last night of sleep at home before spending the rest of the time at hospice with her to accompany her in that final part of her life. When I woke to the call at 3:00am that she had died, I cried and felt a tremendous amount of guilt at not being there. I still feel it in some moments. But a nurse who accompanied me into the room, seemed to sense my guilt and gave me words that have been a great comfort. She said, "Sometimes they need to be alone in those final moments. I think she knew how hard it would be for you to be here and wanted to spare you."

Andy and Cynthia have given some great advice on dealing with grief. I won't reiterate it except to say it is true.

Stay in touch.

Angus

Re: My inspiration passed last night

Posted by Aries on Dec 3, 2019 9:12 pm

Dhenne‍ - so sorry for your loss. 
Hugs to you.

Re: My inspiration passed last night

Posted by Rayline on Dec 3, 2019 10:05 pm

Dhenne I am so sorry for your loss. This is a very trying journey.

Angus, I am so touched by your sharing about missing the last hours with your wife. My Mom was in diagnosed with lung cancer and came to live wth us. We had excellent care givers for her, I thought of them as my Mom’s angels. Near the end her breathing changed and we were pretty sure her time had come. My daughter and I sat with her all night but then in the morning I went to work with my husband. My daughters called us to come home quickly and I fear we took to long and by the time we got home she had died. I was heart broken that I had not been there with her at the end. The nurse said the same thing to me so I am more of the mind that they know as they have a lot if experience with this.
I am so glad  your treatment is working so well!