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scared and confused...the Chemo isn't working

scared and confused...the Chemo isn't working

Posted by soulwynn on Jan 26, 2019 5:00 pm

My boyfriend is battling stage 3 borderline stage 4 colon cancer...
Back in November it was decided that he begin a new chemotherapy in order to fight this cancer harder. We had also decided that because of our age difference, and the fact that I wanted kids, I would move out at the end of May. 

Fast forward to last week, he was in the hospital because he was dry heaving (feeling the need to vomit but nothing would come out) and it turns out he had some kind of blockage. The cancer is still growing from what they've determined from the CT they ran. And the cause of the blockage is still unknown. They were thinking they would have to operate, but then he started passing through to his colostomy again. While he was in the hospital, I had mentioned that I wanted to "stick a pin" in the moving out plan as I have no idea what is going on with his treatment now, explaining that my needs haven't changed, but I wanted to get more information about what's happening with him.

This has been such a roller coaster. I'm concerned I let my emotions get the better of me, and perhaps make a choice to put aside my plans for his sake. I wanted to talk to him about it again yesterday, but he got upset after I mentioned "my needs" again. He says he gets it, and that if I need to go, go, or if I'm staying, stay. So I just said "okay we'll go back to the original plan then" but now I don't actually know what I'm doing. And everything just sucks and I hate that this has happened to him, and my love for him/guilt at trying to find happiness in my life is perhaps making me make bad decisions. I feel like a bad person. I just want him to be okay, be he says he thinks he's actually dying and that just makes it worse. At the same time I know he appreciates me, and I know he loves me...I also know he's scared, I'm scared, and this whole thing is woefully unfair.

Re: scared and confused...the Chemo isn't working

Posted by Brighty on Jan 26, 2019 6:05 pm

soulwynn‍  I'm so sorry you are still going through so much turmoil.     Being a caregiver  is a balancing act between your needs and the needs of the person you are caring for.     It is such a difficult  situation  you are in and I can see how much you love your partner .  If you didn't you would be here.       There's no easy solution  to this situation.    Are you sharing your feelings with a councellor?   Let me just emphasize  to you that you are absolutely  NOT a bad person.       You are going through a horrible  situation.       I hope you have someone that you can talk to and confide your feelings in.    I also hope you sometimes are able to take breaks  from this situation.    If only for a few minutes  per day..  take some time for yourself  and have some fun.    go  out with friends  and  do some hobbies just to get your mind off things for a while.       Treat yourself  or just take a warm bath or watch a funny movie.   You deserve a break and you deserve kindness and compassion.    Thank you for keeping us updated on your situation  and I hope you will continue  to lean on us for support.    

Re: scared and confused...the Chemo isn't working

Posted by soulwynn on Jan 26, 2019 8:40 pm

Thank you. I am speaking with a therapist whom I see as often as I can. Unfortunately our last appointment she had to cancel because her kids were sick but I know she'll be in touch as soon as she can see me.

I'm doing my best to take some time for myself. I still have some time between now and the end of school to navigate this a bit with him. Having this forum is extremely helpful and I appreciate having the ability to use this area of the forum especially. Sometimes we just need a place to go "ahhhhh!!"

Thanks again for responding and I appreciate the encouragement. heart


Re: scared and confused...the Chemo isn't working

Posted by Kims1961 on Jan 26, 2019 10:38 pm

soulwynn‍ Thank you for updating us on how things are going. Such a very very difficult position.  We are here for you to vent/share/ whatever is helpful. 

Unfortunately cancer can be unpredictable and we can feel at times we move a few steps in one direction and then backwards. A rollercoaster for everyone .  Does he have other supports? Someone that could help with care/ appts? 

Maybe working on a transition plan...what needs to be in place before you move out, what you can still do if you move out?  It may not be a perfect plan, it may always be hard to leave but we can only make the best decisions we can, with the info at the time. 

Let us us know how you’re doing. Take care Kim


Re: scared and confused...the Chemo isn't working

Posted by soulwynn on Jan 26, 2019 11:09 pm


I think that's more or less what I've been thinking about, and sort of why I was thinking about pushing the date back. Also...I know this may seem unrealistic, but I don't want him to have months to live after I move out. I'd rather be here...

After coming back from the hospital he's so taken a hit. He was starting to have a lot of hope, and he was bouncing back from Chemo better each time. And now, knowing the cancer is growing, feeling sick on his new meds from the hospital, and having to have *that* very difficult conversation with his daughter, PLUS the VON nurses never knowing what is going on. Sometimes their fault, sometimes not, etc. I think we're all going through a tremendous amount of emotional stress. I know I am...I only buy Hagen Das in emergencies...(sad humour)

I think we're just going to have to retrace our steps a bit. I think I'm able to stay longer, but if things spanned into more than another year, I wouldn't be able to do that. So it probably would be better to have an action plan in place. We'll have to give it some time though. The more advice I receive here the better. Even though I'm 32 I still feel like I'm trying to walk for the first time or figure out a really hard math problem.

Re: scared and confused...the Chemo isn't working

Posted by Aly on Jan 29, 2019 8:23 pm

Thanks for sharing with us, soulwynn‍ .

It sounds like you have a big choice to make, remember: you do not have to to make it right now. Take each day as it comes and while I know it's cheesy to say, but follow your heart.