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Pls send my mom good vibes
Gigi75
32 Posts
My mom fell yesterday. She has been excessively weak and exhausted since her radiation treatment (last one was Sept 1). She spends 20+ hours of a day in bed (it isn't a good situation at home with my dad to be honest). She had alot of difficulty going up one step and also she fell going to the bathroom yesterday. Another thing is she was very confused for a bit. She is at the hospital where they are running tests and scans but are also bewildered at the cause. Thoughts are possible infection, reaction to the radiation and her heart seemed to be working harder at things than it should.
I am scared of what could be going on and if whatever is causing this may indicate to the doctors that she cannot handle chemo/immunotherapy that was scheduled mid September.
I don't really know what I'm asking for here except good vibes for my mom but also if anyone experienced anything like that before.
Also the mental anguish at my parents situation. When he called yesterday he was yelling that he couldn't do this anymore but it has only been a month since she was diagnosed and started treatment. I bring her to appointments, keep track of her results and meds and direct them what to do, I clean and do their laundry and he stresses her out so much and is so negative. It has always been a toxic relationship but now it is detrimental I guess and I am scared she won't fight this fight if she faces "more of this". She cries everything she sees me like relief or release or something. She feels like such a burden and obviously feeling so many different feelings right now.

Ugh sorry...just scared of the source of this "decline". Where my mom and I have all the faith placed in her care providers, he is calling them stupid (including the 911 dispatcher last night).

Gigi75
25 Replies
Brighty
7488 Posts

@Gigi75 im so sorry this is happening to your mom. I hope they get to the bottom of the reason she fell and you get some answers. It sounds like your dad is already feeling some caregiver burnout. This can happen when the person feels overwhelmed and helpless about the situation. I dont kronw all the dynamics of your parents relationship but you say its toxic. Sometimes this type of situation brings people closer together and sometimes the stress of it tears them apart further. Sound like you are a tremendous help to both of them. Perhaps you some more outside help in terms of respite care, or palliative care, or perhaps a friend or relative can help you both and pitch in. Like a meal drop off ,or grocery run..or whatever your mom needs. If your dad is able to get out more and take breaks maybe he would feel less stressed and not as resentful. Sometimes caregivers let caregivering take over their entire lives and it becomes too much for them. The stress can come out in many ways. I'm wondering if your mom, dad and you would find it helpful to talk to the social worker in oncology or inquire with the hospital about possible support groups. The could help with managing the stressful dynamic going on, and give suggestions on how to improve things. Your mom does not need a stressful environment when she needes all the focus to be on her health right now. You are wonderful to post and care so deeply about both your parents. I'm sending good vibes for your mom, you,and your dad…please let us know when you get more information. Hugs to you. Keep us in the loop my friend.

JustJan
1033 Posts

@Gigi75, I am sorry to hear about your mom and all that seems to be happening to her. I don’t have experience with what you describe but everyone can react to treatment differently.

Your mom is lucky to have you in her corner and advocate and take care of her. It is unfortunate that your father is being a hindrance instead of helping when it’s needed most. Although the three of you seeing a social worker sounds like a great idea, I’m not sure your dad would go for that based on what you have said here. It is worth a shot though. If he doesn’t want to, perhaps you and your mom could go. Do you have support? This process can be very tiring both emotionally and physically on caregivers.

it sounds like you may have some difficult conversations with your mom and your mom’s care team In the near future.

I am sending you positive vibes and a virtual hug.


Whitelilies
1477 Posts

@Gigi75 Hello….I am sorry to hear about your mom…..it is not easy…..and as I read everything you shared…..each person is “doing their thing!?”.

You are doing your best…..to support your mom…..her health/needs, home needs and more. Your dad…..is …..not handling “things” well…..Please know, that many people (men/women)do not “handle” difficult/crisis times, well, or at all. He is not the first person, nor the last, to be “acting out”, raising red flags, in front of you all, while your mom is in a health crisis……

Perhaps, now….create a bit of “space”……now is not the time, to “change”…..he may not change…..now is the time: to focus on your mom's health, and getting her all the support, she needs. Chat with your dad….try to find out “what” is hard for him? Why he is acting out, in an unkind manner……toxic from long time ago? generally, does not “change stripes”, over night. Focus on mom……tell your dad, your efforts must be for her…..If you can….try to reach the social worker/as mentioned earlier…..but another “appt” may be hard, on all of you…..stress is high; try to do, what lowers your stress….write in a journal…..order meals online…cook less…..sit on the porch….with your mom, even 15 min a day…when she feels “awake”….she is tired from the meds, I assume……or, some people “sleep”, to hide from what they will face.

You have stepped up…..be proud of all you do, for your mom……focus on her….and yourself…..please.

We do understand.

Warmly

Whitelilies

Dave58
172 Posts

@Gigi75 Hi Gigi. I can't add much here as you have received great, useful and heartfelt replies to your post. These people are truly amazing. I will pray for each of you. God can and will work wonders in our lives if we just let him. Sounds to me that you were “ raised ” right in as much that you recognize all of the negative problems and are dealing with them as best you can. I believe your Mom is in very good hands with you by Her side, but you also have to recognize your limits to avoid burn out. We're here FOR YOU !

Runner Girl
2144 Posts

Hello @Gigi75

I am so sorry that your mom is having a difficult time right now following her radiation treatment.

Is there any way that your mom could stay elsewhere once she is released from hospital? Perhaps a period of separation would do them both some good. She needs time to recover and not have someone harping at her.

I went thru my breast cancer treatment with a less than supportive partner, it was not easy. But my will to “show him” that I was going to get thru it helped me do just that and when he demanded I leave our home when I was ⅔ of the way thru treatment I agreed. Best thing I ever did. Having that negativity was not good.

Sending endless good thoughts for you and your mom. You are doing a fantastic job as a her daughter. Maybe time you had a good chat with dad to set him straight.

As an add on I thought I'd share a time when I had to tell my parents to knock it off. I was spending Christmas with my parents as I was getting divorced. Dinner was on the table and not to my dad's liking so the two of them were bickering about the meal. I slammed my hand on the table and told the two of them to “shut the f**k up, it's Christmas and I don't need to hear you squabbling". Well they both sat there, mouth's agape. But at least it was quiet. 😁

Runner Girl

Trillium
1576 Posts

@Gigi75 - I’m so glad you found this very supportive community. We are here just to listen too so talk it all out as much as you want.

I’m thinking along the same lines as @Runner Girl (lol at your Christmas family time Had one similar) to find a way for your mom to spend time with someone else. Is it possible for one family member to care for mom in their home and another to help your dad. She really does need peace and support right now and your dad sounds like he is not able to provide it.

Warm hugs for you.

Laia
36 Posts
Everyone on this site is sending you support. So sorry about your mom and your dad’s lack of support.
Prayers for you and the family.
SAM271
10 Posts

@Gigi75 Thank you for having the courage to share. I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. I can't imagine the stress and constant worry that you are going through. Your parents are lucky to have you help them navigate through this difficult time. I hope YOU have some help too. Sending you virtual hugs.

elle29
669 Posts

One small step at a time mother . Your daughter cares and showing this to both parents not gratful .Choosing to turn this around like saying perhaps what your going to model being grateful to her for , spoken out loud . Two eyes , 2 ears, 2 arMs , Hands 2 legs etc . Músic perhaps …? Can your dad play a game with her they both like ? Have a date game nite a home with snack s ? A home massage….give her some manicure products to do her self . Soothing Cream she can apply daily . What does she like .
Something she May need as you requested here , in others to perk her up , to adjust to this with supports. And is she so low , cannot do this herself , as your busy for her .
Some HOPE , outlet to express how she feels ! A pet even @Brighty knows for comfort and love as a careviver and loss .
She is sounding down just coPing, and perhaps in frustration or angry at the mercy of others with a tòxic spouse also upset these are greiving losses she has left with to face daily . At loss how or what to do repelling her perhaps to not heal . Of not being independent , perhaps to take care and control of herself . Her identity, being taken away ? Hope to know she will live through this getting better .
Not having her peers , a social recreation activity to motivate her back up ⁉️ Maybe to feel she can do something again if she worked . First getting this assessed and diagnosed, has been alot with Radiation which does tire zap living cells . But how long does it , sleep last or ask her GP or Onco Nurse , could bé checked in blood test of her cells ?

A tender heart ,🥰 compassion she is not receiving form your dad and being through all this . So there are others too , there in Wellspring and Inspire folks to fill and register , with her choice of program , interest or peer chat , to look forward .
Make time to have her call or look with her on-line sitting up away from Bed . She is so blessed to have you . 👍
Being Bed ridden is not healthy nor independent , she had before, taken away from her by càncer‘ s agenda ? Robbing her perhaps of her agenda she had before ?
You too r in need of this too in your independènce Ie respid for her away, or call to speak to an agency list , sister at home or google nursing homes for a week in a facilitiy for her with others healthy and active to motivate her mental health . Or in home care house keeper relief , for you , some time in a break away of extra responsibilty we all feel is normal . Get refreshed and strong again in mind and body as faith ebbs.💪🏻 Asking good Vibes, from her tribé in her choices now to give herself identity back .And send your dad for buddy time of his interest too .

I refer you to @Runner Girl , who knows this or some connection suitable & needed .
There are caregivers and càncer patients here as myself , couples , who can just offer alot connected on-line making hope happen in groups and fòrums . For you and mum . Ok 😽, hugs and laughter too . She , your mother is alot more , then just càncer !

I'm sorry for your situation @Gigi75 Parents can be very challenging. Could dementia or Alzheimer be a factor in your father's anger? Often stressful events can trigger a rapid onset of symptoms that might have otherwise taken years to materialize. Sorting out a medical diagnosis in the midst of turmoil is just hard.

Giving respect and dignity in the situation is hard. Several folks here have made suggestions about help and separation - all good ideas. I trust that you will be able to find solutions. In BC, Home Care and Social Services can do assessments to determine what assistance can be arranged. These things take time to set up so best to access them early.

Angus

Roy L.
367 Posts

@Gigi75 So sorry to read what your mom and you are going through. Dealing with a sick parent can be difficult, but glad you are there for her. Sending positive and healing vibes from the East Coast.

Take care of your mom and yourself. All the best.

Roy

MommyT
130 Posts

@Gigi75 I am so sorry to hear that your mom is having such a hard time. Could your mom see your family doctor for something like adavan to calm her down? It might help in the short term - I understand it is habit-forming if you take to much of it.

Could you talk to your dad and tell him that she doesn't have the energy to fight him and fight cancer? It's either one or the other, and if she's fighting him, she won't have the energy to fight cancer. I had to tell my husband that as he was steady harping at me over one thing or another and finally I blew up.

So sorry - I will pray for you and your mom. You are her rock! Do take care of yourself.🙏🙏

Gigi75
32 Posts

@MommyT that is a great way to frame it. Thank you. I will certainly keep that point close. It says it all.

Gigi75
32 Posts

@WestCoastSailor I believe a request for services is going to be started on discharge.

Unfortunately my father has always dealt with very explosive anger brought on by drug addiction. It was not a great situation growing up. They really have a “can't live with you, can't love without you” dynamic that I could never understand.

I am really trying to keep out of their relationship part but it is hard at the moment with her illness. While together he is negative and vocal but now that she is in the hospital he is crying and wanting her home.

I don't know what is going to happen when she does go home but I am getting some help to not get re-traumatized through it.

I keep telling her she has to not think of anyone but herself.

Gigi75
32 Posts

@SAM271 I did seek support from a program at work. This is bringing back into a childhood pattern that I successfully escaped from already. Thank you!!! I wrote you a message asking about your mom :)

Gigi75
32 Posts

@Laia this site is amazingly supportive. Thank you and to you all.

My dad doesnt have the capacity to take care of someone else really.

Gigi75
32 Posts

@Trillium thank you. I am so very thankful I found this site.

I am an only child but will likely be trying to get home services. I am stressed just thinking about it.

Gigi75
32 Posts

@Runner Girl thanks for the support! I can't imagine having to go through this without a supportive partner. I am so happy your outcome was a strong and fearless one (especially at the dinner table haha)

Gigi75
32 Posts

@Dave58 thank you!!! That means alot.

Gigi75
32 Posts

@Whitelilies thank you! Yes toxic all my life. I escaped quite scathed and am trying everything to not “go back there”. I even got help to get me through this part of it. I can handle positivity, spending time with her, started a football pool at work to give her something to think about…and all the money if “we win”.

I have had talks with him but he just says I know. He is upset now that she is in the hospital. I can't change this codependent thing they have going on. But it breaks my heart now more than ever.

Gigi

Gigi75
32 Posts

@JustJan thank you! Yes I am getting help help through a program at work but also I have the most supportive husband.

Trillium
1576 Posts

@Gigi75 - That must be so hard for you to cope with. Good job on getting help so that you don’t become traumatized again by it all. Self care is so important for all of us but especially when there are complicated family issues that you have no control over.

Good idea about bringing in support services but I understand your anxiety over it too.

I have found this caregiver program to be so helpful for me at the beginning of our cancer journey. https://cancerconnection.ca/discussions/viewtopic/35/67225 there are other topics to read through too on that caregiver forum.

This thread will be helpful too

https://cancerconnection.ca/discussions/viewtopic/35/57052#coping-with-a-parent-s-diagnosis-

Hugs

Trillium

@Gigi75 I am so sorry for all you have on your plate and for your mom's situation. You have had some excellent supportive replies from so many of our fabulous members. I will just say that most of us have a difficult family dynamic in one way or another and a cancer diagnosis ( or other medical situation ) rarely “fixes” them - in fact they often amplify them. As has been said, your mom is so lucky to have you supporting and advocating for her. Continue to reach out as you need - we are listening.

Take care

Lianne

Gigi75
32 Posts

Thank you @Lianne_Moderator, this group is definitely keeping me going.

Cynthia Mac
3338 Posts
Gigi75‍ , I’m sorry to hear about these complications to your situation. I’m really glad to read in your last post that you are taking steps to prevent yourself from living through past trauma.

Your Mom’s care team might be able to put her into some form of respite care - I believe placements are made on two-week increments. That might not only give your mom a break, but also drive home the seriousness of her condition to your father.

The complications of a history of drug addiction could be causing your dad’s anger, but, as someone who was raised in a family of “angry men,” I’ve learned that a man who is blustery and bullish on the outside quite often has a cowering, frightened little boy on the inside. You kind of confirmed that when you wrote, “While together he is negative and vocal but now that she is in the hospital he is crying and wanting her home.”

Still, when I read your earlier post about your dad lashing out at your mom reminded me of Cher’s line in Moonstruck when she yelled, “SNAP OUT OF IT.”

You know your Dad better than I do, but at least you have some options to try and reason with him!

Please let us know how your mom’s doing. Dad, too. And you. 💛
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