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Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it.

Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by Marcell on Oct 7, 2019 10:27 am

My wife passed away on October 16, 2016 from vulvar  cancer that Spread into her bones, liver, lungs and brain.  I have PTSD, complicated grief, and depression. I am continuously living her cancer still in my head vividly.  I have recently been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. I can’t even comprehend this for I am still stuck in my wife’s cancer fight.  At this point, I am more afraid of life then of death, for I feel that my life was with my wife and I am now in limbo wanting to be back with her again. I am scared I am confused and I am fighting this alone with no friends or family for we lived a very sheltered life because she had a life of epilepsy which most people were afraid to be around so we didn’t have much for friends. We moved from BC to Calgary Alberta to fight her cancer now I live in a small town in Alberta, I don’t know where I am I only have my counsellor and doctor and mental health professionals to count on and help me through my struggles.  I still have my CT scan to do on the 21st, I see my oncologist on the 24th to find out my complete staging.  

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by Wendy Tea on Oct 7, 2019 10:43 am

Hi MrJ‍ , I am glad you are here with us. Are you in small town AB or in a city? Facing cancer alone is frightening. Your dear wife would want you to fight and be happy after dedicating so much time to her. Please try to live your best life in her memory.
Many locations in AB have programs available to help people who are on their own. Please speak with your health care workers and social workers to find out programs that will provide emotional support. 
One thing I like to do is go to the library. There are lots of programs you can be part of that are free. No one needs to know you are fighting this ugly disease. It will give you an hour or two of being normal.
Many others on this site will have suggestions of things that helped them. Please pick what works best for you, but please pick something. 
I am here. We are here.
Wendy Tea

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by Lacey_adminCCS on Oct 7, 2019 11:38 am

MrJ‍ 

Welcome to our community. I'm glad you found us here to add to your team of supports. 

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling but I'm so glad that you are reaching out to your supports. Your wife was very lucky to have you supporting her. Have you been able to share with your mental health professionals about how you are really feeling right now? I ask because I know it can be easier to type our feelings out here than to talk about in person sometimes. If you have not I encourage you to let them know and seek out support. You deserve and need the support. Sometimes we need to talk the most in the middle of the night or outside of our healthcare teams regular hours. If that is the case and you need someone I wanted to pass along a number to a distress centre in Calgary you can reach them at 1-403-266-4357.

Have you heard of the Wellspring in Calgary? They have some programs you could attend. Here is a link: https://wellspringcalgary.ca/.   You could also call our Cancer Information Service at 1-888-939-3333 for help finding programs or supports near you. They are also great listeners. 

I invite you to join our Prostate Cancer discussions here to connect with others with a similar diagnosis. 

Best of luck with your upcoming appointments, please keep us posted.

Lacey

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by frozenstar on Oct 8, 2019 10:37 am

I am so sorry you are suffering like this...my husband cares for me oftentimes...I worry what will happen to him if I dont make it through this journey..I am so sad for you..life hurts so much...sending you love and hugs and prayers of comfort,
Teresa
 

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by Marcell on Oct 8, 2019 5:22 pm

frozenstar‍  Please don’t take my example as what will happen to your husband I don’t know what else to say I pray God will spare you  from this stupid disease. Hugs.
Marcell

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by Cynthia Mac on Oct 8, 2019 8:36 pm

Marcell‍ I’m sorry to hear that you now have cancer after losing your wife to the disease.

When my Dad had prostate cancer (16 years ago now), he found a prostate cancer support group near his town. They brought in guest speakers, and it really helped him get through it.  The town where the meetings were held only had a population of about 30,000 at the time, so depending on the size of your town, there might be a group in your area. You could check with your urologist’s office, they would likely know.

My Dad isn’t a “socialite,” but he got a lot out of that group.

Another suggestion would be to look in the community services locator at www.cancer.ca/csl

 

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by WestCoastSailor on Oct 9, 2019 2:13 pm

Marcell‍ 

Most people on the site know me for my journey with lung cancer but six months into that journey my wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The most poignant words I heard her say? "I never thought I would die before my husband." She died six weeks after her diagnosis.

Shortly after her death I was told that the miracle drug that I was on wasn't working. The cancer had now progressed and I was Stage 4 - terminal. I'm fortunate in that the current drug is working with some side effects. To say that this has been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. More like a cross between bungee jumping and skydiving.

I'm here to say that grief is a complicated journey too. There are parts of your story that I can relate to easily. I"m coming up to the first anniversary of her death. I'm sitting here looking at her picture and wishing she was here to help me write this response - to share the hope that she left me with.

So what gives me hope?

My faith is certainly part of it but I keep wondering what is around the next corner. That sense of adventure and curiosity just keeps drawing me forward. I have taken up watercolor painting in the last year and there just isn't enough time to get good at it so anything I have can only makes it better. Then there are all the stories in this community of people and how they have faced these challenges.

I grew up in small town Saskatchewan so I suspect I know what small town Alberta is like. Neighbours love the chance to help out. Often it is way more than a cup of coffee. Sometimes it is a reason to keep going. I'm out here in BC now and I miss that meddling. I know who my neighbours are but that is about it. Just like there are people here that have jumped in to connect with you there are people around you to in that small town. Reach out and I think you'll find people who can help.

Stay in touch.

Angus

 

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by Kims1961 on Oct 9, 2019 3:09 pm

Marcell‍   Thank you for posting .  Reaching out here has really helped me - particularly as I live in a very small town in Northern Ontario - so understand feeling isolated and alone.

This site, peer support and the information specialist can really be of assistance.  I also am impressed that you have some mental health professionals involved in your care.  And...a dog ...perhaps?  Great photo!

WestCoastSailor‍ said it so well...sometimes all we have left is hope. Sometimes we have to dig deep to get hope and sometimes its in the simpliest of things.  Like - caring for a beloved pet, being able to get outdoors, savour the joy of the life you had with your wife. Do you have any creative hobbies?  Enjoy music?  Finding a connection to something that can be an outlet for your emotions can help.

I am so glad you reached out to us here.  You are not alone.
Kim

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by Whitelilies on Oct 10, 2019 1:55 pm

Marcel
I wish to try to give you some strength.....from within.
You are doing your best......you supported your loving wife....and now, you need to look after you, the best you can.
This site is AMAZING.....get strength from us all.

We have ALL BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD.....different turns and bumps......but the same fact; Cancer Sucks !

You are not alone.

Sharing.....my dad has colon cancer....(age 88) and wishes NO treatment.....
I have/had colon cancer....and did all I was advised to do....I have 2 sons with Autism.

Yup.....life is difficult....WE MUST CARRY ON.

Sending virtual hugs

Lillian

Whitelilies

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by Marcell on Oct 11, 2019 10:08 am

Thank you everyone for your kind words of compassion. I’m hanging in there waiting still for the 24th. One day at a time right!
hard to get my mind off it though I’m going crazy in my head.

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by Treepeo on Oct 11, 2019 2:27 pm

Hi Marcell,

I know waiting is tough but there's no getting around it.  Try to do things to keep yourself from thinking too much.  Why not immerse yourself in a hobby, or binge watch a series you enjoy.  Or cuddle up with a beloved pet and read a good book.  Anything to keep yourself otherwise engaged.

You stood by your wife and she would want you to take care of yourself as well.  So please be kind to yourself.  Check out your local library.  They may have a book club, or guest speakers that you would like to see.  You might have an opportunity to meet people there.  Or visit your local coffee house.  It is important to try to get out and about, especially when you are feeling down.  It helps to be part of the world and connect with others.

And know that we are here for you no matter what.  This is a community that cares.  You are not alone.

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by Cynthia Mac on Oct 12, 2019 8:44 am

Marcell‍ , if you can try some mindfulness or meditation techniques, that would be good, too. If you can create an affirmation, or several, to use whenever your mind starts drifting off to the dark places, that might help you. It could be anything, but here’s an example: I am strong, and I am getting through this. 

When I’m not feeling well, I use something like, “I breathe in good health, and exhale what my body no longer needs.”

These techniques are another form of keeping yourself otherwise engaged, as Treepeo‍ Suggested.

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by Marcell on Oct 12, 2019 9:31 am

Treepeo‍,
Cynthia Mac‍ 
Thank you both for the good advice I appreciate it very much.
The other day I saw the oncology social worker. She was very helpful to me and will be in the future too now.
she gave me a link to a very wonderful meditation.https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2nV-v8zXpH0 
I have my dog Blu, he is my lifesaver. And I try to keep myself busy and my mind active as much as I can.
 Thank you again, Marcell.

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by Cynthia Mac on Oct 13, 2019 8:07 am

Thanks for the link, Marcell‍ - I have bookmarked it for future reference.

Re: Facing cancer after losing my wife to cancer I feel deflated and don’t even want to fight it. 😢

Posted by CentralAB on Oct 13, 2019 7:04 pm

Marcell:
My wife passed away on October 16, 2016 from vulvar  cancer that Spread into her bones, liver, lungs and brain.  I have PTSD, complicated grief, and depression. I am continuously living her cancer still in my head vividly.  I have recently been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. I can’t even comprehend this for I am still stuck in my wife’s cancer fight.  At this point, I am more afraid of life then of death, for I feel that my life was with my wife and I am now in limbo wanting to be back with her again. I am scared I am confused and I am fighting this alone with no friends or family for we lived a very sheltered life because she had a life of epilepsy which most people were afraid to be around so we didn’t have much for friends. We moved from BC to Calgary Alberta to fight her cancer now I live in a small town in Alberta, I don’t know where I am I only have my counsellor and doctor and mental health professionals to count on and help me through my struggles.  I still have my CT scan to do on the 21st, I see my oncologist on the 24th to find out my complete staging.  

Hello Marcell‍ I have been thinking of you, and wondering how you are doing. I also live in small town AB, and am looking after my wife, who has cancer. I know I already posted to you earlier, but I wanted to say, I really do have some idea what you are going through. I cant really imagine, though, what you must be going through, now that you have been diagnosed too. I do know, that must be very hard for you. I did a little searching on your behalf at one of the links provided above for Well Spring Calgary, and I thought that one item, in particular, might be something that would be a very good fit for you. Patient/Caregiver One On One Support is a downloadable pdf file, that will tell you about the service they could provide for you. It actually looks like something I could do as well.

I noticed you stated "I don't even want to fight it," and that is totally understandable; we here at this forum would honor your stated intentions, without judging. But I also thought that maybe, if you did have someone to talk to, it would help you to clarify this intention somehow, and to turn your situation into a plan of action that you feel you can live with, and that would give you a road to follow, so to speak. I know that I always feel better when I have some kind of a map to go by. I could write a book or two now, describing my map! Its quite the journey.

If you feel like you just need a little spiritual support, there is a spot for that too here on this forum, and there is an experienced Chaplain at Well Spring, and other similar places that you can connect with. I hope you can visit us again soon and let us know how you are doing.