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Moving On
Ivan2544
7 Posts
I have written in this forum quite often and appreciate the support from everyone and I am I need of it again. My boyfriend who was diagnosed with throat cancer finished treatment and I have mentioned in past posts how rude he could be to be, putting me down constantly and telling me I wasn’t doing enough. He would expect me to read his mind rather than telling me what he needed. I constantly walked on egg shells with him every single day. This past few days I was dealing with my own health issues and he completely lost it on me telling me how selfish I was to be focusing on myself when I should be focusing on him, that my problems were minuscule considering what he has been going through. (Please keep in mind, that I simply told him I was not feeling well, I was not looking for a pity party)

after this incident he broke up with me (we had problems in the past but it seems the cancer diagnosis created a whole new set of relationship problems we were not able to manage) now I just don’t know how to deal with not only the loss of my relationship but the worry about his cancer.

i worried every moment of everyday about him and how it he was doing but I was able to see him and know. Now I will not I will have no idea what is happening with him and if he is ok. I feel so terrible that this had to happen during this time. It was not my idea to breakup but I feel so guilty for everything, even though I know I did everything I could, there was just no pleasing him.
11 Replies
Brighty
8442 Posts

@Ivan2544 you have nothing to feel guilty for. You did everything you possibly could to care for him and to please him and he never appreciated you. You gave up your life, and your sanity to put up with his verbal abuse. Now it is time to take care of YOU. If you still worry about him, you could always inquire with a family member about how he is is doing from time to time.. he will miss you and realize what he lost very soon. I wouldn't be surprised if he came begging you back. Please take this time to heal, and care for you now. Im so sorry you had to go through all of this. You did not deserve it.

Whitelilies
2272 Posts

@Ivan2544 Hello…..I agree…..you do NOT need to tolerate ANY form of rudeness/being mean…..please, do not feel guilty….you did nothing wrong; and everything right. He may be “re thinking” it all….but that will become HIS problem.

Try, now, to focus on yourself…regain energy and do something each day…that makes you smile….perhaps walk in nature….call an old friend…..watch movies….read a good book…..check out the local library….order a new blouse online….volunteer at a food bank….

It is unfortunate…all around……but HE broke up with you….

SO: Onwards you march ! Ahead! Head held high!

Warmly

Whitelilies

Runner Girl
2730 Posts

@Ivan2544

I'm sorry that your relationship has ended. Perhaps it is for the best at this time. It will give him time to reflect on himself and perhaps better himself as he realizes what he has done and what he has lost.

Look after yourself, get some counselling for yourself to heal from this and get things right in your world. You are most important now, he can learn to look after himself.

Don't be in a rush to get back with him. Let him struggle alone for a while, might make him appreciate what he had.

Runner Girl

supersu
1108 Posts

@Ivan2544

good morning-

thank you for your post…I'll say it again; the generosity of our members is astonishing. that you could share your vulnerability with this online community is so helpful - the #realtalk here is what makes this community GOLD.

I'm sorry that your relationship has fractured. you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

there are some beautiful relationships demonstrated here in this #cancerconnectioncommunity. for sure, sometimes a cancer diagnosis does bring a couple closer.
but, just so you know they don't all go that way! I was told by a counsellor many years ago, that going thru a cancer diagnosis and treatment can be detrimental to approximately 50% of relationships! please do not think it is just yours.

it is natural that you are still invested in your person's status. you love(d) them and want to know how they are doing. after all, as you admit, all of your energies were focused on them.
but now, you have to step back and take care of you.

if you need support; get it. I know things are so difficult in the health community right now - perhaps the Cancer Information Specialists may have some connections for you.
1-888-939-3333.

you can move on with your head held high; knowing that you provided support, love and gave of yourself to this human at such an important time. if you haven't heard it recently let me say THANK YOU.
it is never easy being a caregiver, but even harder when the patient is unpleasant or ungrateful.

know that this community is here for YOU.
please let us know how you are doing as you forward. relationships ARE part of the cancer story-thank you again for sharing this with us all.

hugs from me
su

#relationshipsarehard #relationshipbreakdown #movingon #caregiversareANGELSonearth

Ivan2544
7 Posts

Thank you to everyone, your kind words and support brought tears to my eyes. Being vulnerable is hard but your support to a total stranger shows the goodness in this world.

Brighty
8442 Posts

@Ivan2544 you are welcome and glad you reached out. No human being has the right to treat another human being the way be was treating you, no matter what their situation is. Nothing gives anyone the license to do that. Especially to you, the one person who cared for him above all else. He should be kissing the ground you walk on for all you did for him. And the fact your last paragraph in your post was about worrying for his welfare shows what an incredible human you are. He is really going to be sorry for what he lost. But too bad, its your turn to put all that energy and caring into yourself and to healing from this. You deserve nothing but the best.

Lor
1 Posts

I am so sorry you had to deal with this relationship stress. I hope you have someone you can talk with to help you through this difficult situation in your life. You are so supportive of others, you deserve the same. Take care.🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛

Essjay
1956 Posts

@Ivan2544 Ive been thinking about you these past few days and wondering how you were getting on after your last post.

Im sorry things have fallen apart, and I’m sure it does feel awful just now. You shouldn’t feel guilty - he was awful to you and he pushed you away. There is only so much you can take and you were taking more than your fair share. He ended it, not you. You know where he is if you want to check in now and again, but it would be better for now to have updates through a family member or a friend of his.

Time for new things - a new place, and new things to fill your time. I am sure there are things you have put on hold while you care for your boyfriend. You could sign up for a course to learn something new, or try a new hobby - easier to do when you are not a carer and you are more likely to complete something you pay for.

And a time to reach out to your friends - renew those relationships, find some support to cope with your loss and the trauma of what you have been dealing with.

If you have access to counselling, it really helps. They can teach you some life skills to help you learn to stop ruminating over what happened, what you could have or should have done etc - skills we need time and again…

If your boyfriend wants support to cope with dealing with things now he has completed treatment he could always join this forum - plenty of support here…

You’ve been an amazing carer - thank you for doing what you did for your boyfriend 💕💕

Cynthia Mac
3876 Posts
Ivan2544‍ There’s an old saying that goes “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

You saw it, you lived it, and despite the pain you are feeling now over the break up, I think you believe it.

In my career, we had a department that involved caregivers. All too often, there was discussion about how the caregivers put SO much effort into their patient they eventually became ill themselves. That is one of the reasons I am such a staunch advocate for self-care here.

It’s hard to see right now, but your ex-boyfriend has given you permission to do all the self-care that you haven’t been able to do since all this started. As I recall, you are young, and you deserve to have that now. So, have that long soak in a tub with a good book, go have dinner with some girlfriends you haven’t been able to see because you were trying to keep him safe, stroll through a mall and dream about a new spring outfit.

I’m just an outsider, here, but, based on what you’ve written since you came to CC, it looks to me that you would always come second in that relationship. You deserve more.

I agree with the others - find a sister or parent who is willing to contact you with updates about his health status. You’ve done your job, and you did it to a T. Be proud of yourself for that. As the others have said, HE ended it. HIS choice.

You’re going to have weak moments, when you want to reach back out to him. Whenever that happens, remember this: “I know I did everything I could.” (Your words) and “He chose this.” (My words.)

Once upon a time (yeah, that long ago), someone gave me a wonderful little book called “How to Survive the Loss of a Love.” It’s still available on Amazon for about $20. It helped me a LOT - so much so, that I bought multiple copies and gave it to friends when they had a loss. It taught me to be kind to myself, and to be mindful about staying “real” about the ordeal. It also helped me to keep my resolve when I needed it.

I wish the very best for you.

#selfcare #relationshipbreakdown #caregiversupport
law1
698 Posts

@Ivan2544 , what a generous woman you are and it is a shame you were not appreciated by your former boyfriend. Cancer-Schmancer, it sounds like he is a thoughtless man regardless of HIS health situation….and now it's time for you to learn how to make yourself a priority. Yes, of course it will be a challenge for you to wonder how he is doing, but it's time to worry about YOU!! You are beginning a new chapter.

Viva
55 Posts

I love the guidance these ladies are giving you and I totally agree. When I have something on my mind constantly that won’t leave me be, I write it all down. Then I destroy it and let it all go. i like to make art so sometimes I’ll even start my piece with words written on the canvas first. Then I will cover them up with paint or collage. It’s sort of like intuitive art. I’m a weirdo Lol but it’s way of a release . Try it 🐝

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