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Don't know how to keep my head above the water anymore.
Mtlcity1969
41 Posts

I have not been back on here for a while because things sort of stalled with my Dad's testing, treatment, etc. He had a tumor removed from his spin which they thought was caused by prostate cancer spreading to his bones. However, we got back the pathology results and there were no cancer cells in the mass. This brought us hope and doctors expected the biopsy of the prostate cancer grading to be between 1 and 2. But, we just got the results and it was 4 and 5. So now we are meeting with Oncology this Monday to talk about chemo treatment.

My Dad is so defeated and crying a lot saying he just wants to go and be with Mom in heaven. But, he also doesn't want to leave us so he has put a teddy bear in his bead to sleep with so he feels like she is cuddling with him. It truly breaks my heart.

Work is letting me work from him house now so my sister and I can be with him as much as possible. But, he is still depressed.

AND .. if this is not enough for me to deal with. My very best friend of over 30+ years told me yesterday that she was just diagnosed with stage 4 invasive lobular breast cancer. She is 52 yrs old, single Mom with two kids/young adults living at home with her.

THEN… last night my Dad's dog suddenly collapsed and after an emergency vet appointment we found out that she has a mass on her esophagus. She was my Mom's baby and my Dad is planning on paying any cost to get her treated and keep her healthy.

All this and I can not afford to take time off work but I also not stop crying at work and can not focus on anything. I fall asleep just sitting down when I get home and am not accomplishing anything.

BTW… I also have my own ultra sound follow up this afternoon for cyst in my breast that they have been keeping track of every 6 months for the past 2 yrs.

I just don't know how to keep from drowning in all this. I have never felt more lost and out of sorts. But, putting my pain into words does help. Sorry for long rant but life really sucks right now.

6 Replies
Brighty
7731 Posts

I'm so sorry all this is happening to you @Mtlcity1969 . I glad you feel you can lean on us here, no matter how much time passes in between posts. I truly feel for you and all you are going through. It's hard to keep this in mind when you feel such a loss of control over everything now. My social worker told me ‘things will not always be this way’… you won't feel like this forever. ' she also made me write down 3 things per day I'm grateful for. It's hard to find anything when you're in this mess , but theres always something. And those little things will make such a difference. Do you have a support system? Even a social worker. You can get a referral from your family doctor, work place or oncology where your dad is. You need to feel like you have a safety net when everything is so out of control like this. Also find little joys in your day to lift your spirits…treat yourself to a late or ger your nails done. I often call those things little pick me ups. Thry dont change things but they serve as a temporary distraction to lift the spirits. Im sorry for what is happening. Take it one thing at a time, onecatep at a time, not to overwhelm yourself. Keep reaching out for support and keep caring for yourself. You might want to give your workplace a heads up too. Co workers can be very supportive. Thanks for trusting us to reach out. We are here.

Mtlcity1969
41 Posts

@Brighty Thank you so much for the reply. I love the idea of writing down 3 things I am grateful for. I know there are so many people even worse off and in the middle of all this is it easy for me not to pay attention to my blessings. I will absolutely do that! And I think you are right I need to get a social worker or someone to actually talk to. I did grief counseling after my Mom died. But, this time around with my Dad and my Friend it will be a long up hill battle and having professional support seems like what I need. I will look into that today. Thank you again. It means so much to talk this out and not feel like I am putting added pressure on my family and friends who are all going through this at the same time.

Runner Girl
2289 Posts

@Mtlcity1969

Oh crap, you've got a lot on your plate!

I've been there, a few times in my life. The first time I was 20, my sister died in April in a car accident, then my brother died in August in a car accident, then our family dog passed in October from a preventable disease but because my parents didn't vaccinate him he died. In 2018 my mom died in January, I was her executor so had to deal with her estate, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in May and started treatment, my relationship was falling apart and before I finished treatment he bailed so I had to find a new place to live and move all while working full time.

While you are overwhelmed and emotional (rightly so) right now you will be able to work thru all of this. Focus firstly on what you can control and what order things need to be attended to. Have your scan and get some answers (see my reply to your other posting). See what the vet can do for your sweet doggie and get that underway. Be there to support your friend as she goes thru her cancer journey. Your dad is understandably upset and depressed, perhaps he can get assistance from the social worker at his cancer centre. Be there for him, help him as you can. Carve out a little time for yourself so you can recharge your batteries - you can't do for anyone if you don't look after yourself. You're slammed now but if you start taking things one thing at a time you will manage.

Keep posting, let us know how your scan goes.

Runner Girl

@Mtlcity1969 good grief no wonder you’re crying. My heart goes out to you, it must be so heartbreaking for you to sit with all that sadness and fear. We’ve too have had tears here today too as my hubby who has cancer feels it’s all getting on top of him today. I shall share with you what I shared with him. Just breathe. Deep breaths, one at at time. Take a minute to look after yourself. Look at a picture that brings you joy, soak in a tub, close your eyes for a nap. Whatever you need to fill your cup so you can care for yourself while supporting your Dad. It is so much for you to cope with all at once. it is really good news that you are taking the time through all of this to look after your own health. Many of us caregivers can attest to putting our own care on the backburner. Fingers and toes crossed that your tests come back with good news.

I too have to work through all of Steven’s cancer journey. I consciously go through a mental exercise of gently wrapping it in a box that I address when my work day is done. I bury myself in the distraction of work. It’s self care for me to work and get wrapped up in the distraction. Reach out to your friends and loved ones to love and support you. And please know we’re here to help and support you in any way we can. Sending you an extra special virtual hug today 💛

Whitelilies
1667 Posts

@Mtlcity1969 Hello/Bonjour…..yes your plate is full….I am sorry to hear about all your updates…….my only thought is……truly; One Day At A Time.

Support your dad, as best you can…..support your friend as best you can…..get your pet dog help as well……ALSO: look after you…..try to take a brisk outdoor walk, each day……yes 15 min just for you! You will look forward to this part of your day; make a mini schedule…..and keep it…..6pm is your time/example.

As was mentioned before….reach the Oncology Social Worker…..they understand….they have resources to share with you……you can arrange a call or in-person…whatever suits you best….

You cannot “control” what happens to your loved ones; you can “control” your day/actions/efforts…..save a little energy…..for you!

Keep sharing here….we are listening….

Whitelilies

CentralAB
1119 Posts

Hello and welcome @Mtlcity1969 I am sorry to hear of all the challenges you are facing. It sounds like a lot for one person to handle so dont worry about “rants” or letting off some steam with us here. Thats why we are here. I know when I was looking after my late wife who had cancer, it was very similar.

I found that finding ways and means for me to do something every day for me that I knew would recharge my batteries a bit became really important because i was her caregiver for 5 years.

It might seem like everything is overwhelming, but you can make it a little smoother travelling by carving times out for yourself to do something that lifts you up and recharges your batteries.

Is your dads in pain now? How is his comfort level? The reason I ask is because I know when looking after my wife, if she was too uncomfortable then I might not be able to get out for my own exercise/mental health things.

Please come back as often as you like. Thats what we are here for.

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