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Just in need of support/ear to listen
23laura
22 Posts
It's been a rough week with dad having radiation for pain control, seeing the decline is difficult and trying your very best to help them but everything you do gets criticism. I try to ignore it but it hurts and when I'm feeling down and extremely sad myself I feel it more. It truly breaks my heart seeing him so defeated and in pain. I just needed a listening ear.
6 Replies
Brighty
7731 Posts

@23laura it's truly heartbreaking. Im so sorry. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to take anything your dad says personally. We always take out our pain and frustrations on those we love most. My fiance did it to me too, but he was suffering and in so much pain. It hurt me a lot but his dad would always tell me not to take his rants personally. He was just letting it out and I happened to be there. Do you have any other family or friends you can share the caregiving with? Your dad may not say it but he appreciates everything you are doing for him. You are such a good daughter and hes super lucky to have you care. Make sure you take breaks and time to care for yourself too. Are you speaking with anyone? I had a social worker plus the oncology social worker. They taught me set boundaries….they were times when tbe criticizing did become too much and I had to say something, or remove myself from the room or situation for periods of time here and there. Although I understood he was in pain, I knew I didnt deserve some of the criticism I got. So maybe short breaks here and there might help…time to cool off . Or maybe give him and yoursrlf a bit of space every so often. I know how hard and heartbreaking it is. Im So sorry. Big guys to you. We are here for you. If you need to cry it out, have a good cry.

Highwater
23 Posts

I’m so sorry you and your dad are going through this. As @Brighty said try not to take it personally and give yourself permission to set boundaries. Hopefully the radiation will help with the pain reduction. If it doesn’t help, make sure to talk to your team. You have enough on your plate right now. I’m sure your dad doesnt realize the effect he’s having on you. I’m cheering you on. Remember you are doing everything you can, you can’t do more

supersu
561 Posts

@23laura

good morning.
so sorry that you have had a rough week with your dad.
thank you for your post, and sharing this with us; the cancer connection community.

my dad had a very painful and all consuming cancer. as a family we rallied round, and made sure he was never alone at the hospice unit of the small hospital where he died. it was the worst of times. and at moments; the best of times.

he was not a happy camper, and yes - the folks closest usually get the brunt of the patients frustration, sadness, fear & discomfort.

you are a good daughter. spending time with your dad, will provide you with priceless memories.

I send you my best wishes and hope that this time is special for both of you, and some pain control can be obtained for this chapter of his/your story.

virtual hugs
su

#paincontrol #endstagecancer #cancerinthefamily

robegree71
81 Posts

Great advice from @Brighty and take some breaks for yourself, really important ! You are not letting him down in anyway doing that. In fact the opposite because you need to recharge so you are centered when he has those worse than normal days. He is in a lot of pain and scared which is such a lonely feeling for a man. We are supposed to be the strong ones ! If you can get him talking to someone about that it will help him a lot and you.

I retired out of the country and diagnosed with lung cancer and with Covid couldn’t get timely treatment in Canada. Gave up half a lung, lost 40 lbs. was on so many drugs. Abused my Doctor, wife and friends. I don’t remember it so it isn’t intentional for sure. I finally got to the point where I realized how afraid I was of not being able to live a ‘normal’ life. Still scares the hell out of me 2 years later. Once there I could talk about it and stopped taking the fear out on those who cared for me. You have great resources up there so go find them and get him talking to professionals. You aren’t alone and can’t do it all alone and don’t need to do it all alone. We all get it on here !

law1
613 Posts

Hi @23laura and whew----you have been through a few rough challenges for sure. Pat yourself on the back and reward yourself and your caregiving. First, you had to confront the fatal cancer of your Mother's, and now you are dealing with the huge toll on you and your father. Pain is horrid….and he is lashing out at the world. His world includes the closeness of your presence and love, and more pain. Pain makes one Insane…I went thru it after tongue cancer for about 9 months just recovering from the radiation.

@Brighty has been there and back, and in her post are supportive thoughts. Please follow leads shared on this site and within its links, and you may choose to converse with multi-faceted oncology pros via a toll-free number 1-888-939-3333.

23laura
22 Posts

I cannot say thank you enough to everyone for your kindness and support, I appreciate your words, advice and caring. To each and everyone of you thank you so very, very much. This is such a great community to support and just to be able to come here and vent, ask for advice and not be judged means the world to me.

Thank you

Laura

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