Sorry for the wall of text >< I also didn't know if this post would be better here or in emotional rollercoaster, but here we go.
After weeks of waiting, I finally woke up to the results of my mom's tests this morning: stage 4 metastatic lung cancer.
Actually, she had her appointment with her lung specialist on Tuesday, but stayed very vague in her answers to me since then. My dad finally wrote to me this morning to give me more details. The doctor didn't tell them if it was small cell or not. We also don't know yet if it is treatable or not, as she is only seeing the oncologist on the 24.
After talking with my supervisor and colleagues, it was decided that I would return to Canada as soon as possible and finish my work for this semester online (I'm a language teacher in Japan). At this point, most of what is left is grading and answering my colleagues' questions about English grammar, so it should be pretty easy to do. I am really glad because they are super supportive of my situation and are trying their best to adapt even though I'm causing them some trouble.
So I've been spending the day changing all my flights / PCR test reservation / packing and preparing my apartment to be housesat by my boyfriend while I'm gone. I've been wanting to see my parents for so long, and finally being able to return to Canada after the whole Covid debacle should have been a super happy event, and instead I've been crying the whole time I was packing my luggage, feeling like I don't want to go.
I feel so tired. I haven't been sleeping well and I've been doing a lot of overtime at work to make sure that I could originally leave on December 4th. On top of that, the last time I videochatted with my parents, my dad had to help my mom get out of the computer chair because she's getting too frail. The cancer is causing her to produce so much mucus that she is barely able to eat. This made it so much more real, and made me so much more scared. But my mom is much more tired and scared than I am, and I kind of feel like garbage at the moment for feeling like not wanting to go, to be honest. I don't know if it's normal, to feel this way. I also don't know how I should or will react when I finally see her in person. I feel so lost.
@beehime im so sorry for the news you have recieved . Its devastating. Theres no right or wrong way to feel or to react. What you are feeling is normal and human. Feeling like you dont want to go..I get that….because then reality slaps you in the right in the face. I remember when my fiance was so sick. While I was at work, or doing my usual things I could pretend for a bit it wasnt happening. But in the evenings when I was with him, caring for him it was a dose of reality and it hurt so deeply to watch him suffer. But I would never have not seen him or spend those last few months with him. It meant the world to him to have me there , loving him and just being with him. Even though he couldn't do much, he knew I was there. And it will mean everything to your mom to have you there, to spend that quality time with her, loving and caring for her.. .and creating some memories to cherish. You are doing the absolute right thing, no matter how hard it is. We will support you through.
It’s totally normal. I felt like I was lost in space when I heard about my mom’s lung cancer diagnosis three years ago. Overwhelmed, sad, weepy, and I went to visit her right away.
Itll be hard, but try not to think of how it will all go. Take it one day at a time. There’s lot of good treatment these days and who knows how your mom will react?
Take care of yourself. That’s very important. And ask for help.
Hello, @beehime , Thank you for your open and honest post, which seems sadly right on target and normal for your family and for you ….cancer is so abnormally normal--you understand? I am glad you have found this site supportive and @Brighty is so correct in her openness conveying experiencing the helpless feelings yet knowing she was appreciated for her caregiving and just being present. Cancer is horridly real and full of changes for everyone affected.
The Japanese school is trying to understand your needs and I wish you continual strength and peace as you carry on your struggles of love with your Mom and father. When you return to Canada, you may want to utilize resources sponsored by your Cancer Centre, such as family counselling, and a toll-free number staffed by supportive oncology professionals at 1-888-939-3333.
Additionally, countless links on this website are invaluable: Forums, Groups, Resources and Publications.