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Feelings
tgs
7 Posts

Hi, it’s been a year since my husband’s diagnosis and I’m still so angry, not all the time but still. Sometimes when I’m angry I wish I had boxing gloves and the illness could take on a physical form and I could take my aggression out on it. I’m not a violation person but sometimes it’s how I feel. I wrote this last night. We just found out a stem cell transplant will be too risky. I’m feeling scared and emotional. Tracy

Journey to Acceptance

The sound of your bones breaking under my fists.

Your blood flowing over my hands.

Your pleas for mercy fuelling my desire for vengeance.

I want you to feel what I feel, helplessness anger, despair, fear and still after all this time disbelief.

A fantasy that can never materialize when the assailant has no form.

Your presence manifests in test results, waiting rooms and words that are difficult to understand and much harder to accept.

Fading anger and tears are replaced by numbing fatigue with the escape of sleep soon to follow.

One day at a time, focus on the moment, are the mantras softly repeated and the wish for tomorrow to bring peace and acceptance if this path cannot be changed.

12 Replies
Brighty
6765 Posts
tgs‍ thank you for sharing so beautifully written! !!! It's ok to feel angry but if it starts to take over your life you might find it helpful to talk to someone about it. Are there any other treatment options for your husband? I'm glad you posted and shared here. We are here and we understand the emotional toll this nasty disease takes.
ML70
8 Posts

tgs‍ ‍

Thank you for sharing your writing. I love that you've taken to the written word to express your frustration and fear. It resonates with many of us. I'm so sorry for how difficult this is. Your focus and your mantra are wise tools to take with you on this path. Stay the course and take care of yourself in all this. ML

Brighty
6765 Posts
ML70‍ I think thst was meant for tgs‍ .
ML70
8 Posts
Brighty‍ oops! Thank you! I'm still getting the hang of this. 😊
tgs
7 Posts
Goodness, I’m an administrative assistant and can’t figure out how to respond to a particular person. Lol. My anger comes in spurts and doesn’t last. I’m still in the handing things well stage. My job is a wonderful distraction as is yoga and forcing my 13 year old son to go on hikes with me. However, I do worry about what life will look like if my husband deteriorates.
Trillium
1228 Posts
tgs‍ - I’m so sorry that the stem cell transplant is too risky for your husband. I hate cancer too and would join you in the boxing ring with it and I don’t like boxing either!

I so hope that the next plan will bring some relief for you both and that he has little discomfort.

Hugs for you if you want one.
Trillium
1228 Posts
tgs‍ - we posted at the same time. I really like your mantra and use this kind of thinking often. Sleep is also my escape.

Here is how to tag a person to reply directly to them. Type the @ symbol and without a space start typing the person's user name. After a few letters then you will see the dropdown box of names and you choose the one you want. Then it turns blue like you see here with yours and they get an email notice of your post.

Glad you are here with us to also help us feel not so alone.
supersu
197 Posts
tgs

I want you to feel what I feel, helplessness anger, despair, fear and still after all this time disbelief.

EXACTLY RIGHT! wheather cancer is happening to you or a loved one, this is a great summary of all the feels.

thank you so much for this post.

cheers & hugs
su

#cancerinthefamily #feelingthefeelings #onedayatatime
law1
483 Posts
Hi tgs
Cancer is indeed a root cause of anger, anxiety, emotional pain, financial pain, and a pain in the kiester!! (or wherever in one's body it decides to settle)
I applaud your honesty and the feelings you share with this post -- sounds very cathartic.
During my radiation treatments I would close my eyes and SCREAM silently at the cancer cells to "Get Out!! You are uninvited !!" I would kick them, to explode their presence---and would feel much lighter after the session. I imagined they were terrified of me and scattered to hide under the furniture.
A boxing punching bag can help as well....and it will keep your arms fit too!
You are absolutely believable, and I hope some peace arrives for you and your husband.
law
tgs
7 Posts

Thank you. I like the idea of telling them to leave your body while you were getting treatment!

tgs

Well said. You might enjoy Creation Nation group. We do art as well but poetry is one of my loves and the images conjured by your description is so apt. One of my advanced cancer friends pictures her cancer as little cells gone bad and she goes after them with a broom. Brushing them out like an industrious housewife. And then there was another patient who imagined cancer cells as little blue rogues. Why blue? I have no idea.

Venting through words is a lot less destructive than some of the ways that people chose to deal with difficult emotions. Glad you found us and thanks again for expressing what many of us feel.

Angus
tgs
7 Posts

Thank you Angus. I’m not artistic and it’s my only attempt at poetry, but it made me feel a bit better to write about my feelings. My husband’s mother was a cancer survivor for 25 years before it took her from us. She and some other people with cancer worked with several local artists to create various works of art to express their cancer journeys. It was an experience she was very proud to participate in.

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