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First appointment.
DJMa
6 Posts
My daughter's phone appointment with the intake nurse is on Wednesday and then with the doctor Thursday.

How do I support her? She has anxiety and doesn't hear all the info and doesn't ask questions. She said the other day I have done everything you've asked. That is the problem she doesn't want my support then does want the support. She doesn't ask question or advocate for herself.
4 Replies
Trillium
1369 Posts
Hello DJMa‍ - When my son went to his first appointment with his urologist my brother and I drove him there but he went in by himself. Once he learned he needed surgery I asked him if he would be ok with me coming in to his appointment with him. I took notes and let the doctor talk to him. This was at the beginning of Covid but because he has a disability I was allowed to attend with him. I always let him take the lead and respected his independence as much as possible which made him feel confident that he could do this.

You can ask her if she is ok with you helping at appointments by taking notes for her and being there to support her so she is not alone. With Covid our appointments are now by phone so my son has given his doctors written permission to allow me to be there too. We just put the phone on speaker phone.

Testicular cancer is fairly easy in that there are not too many decisions that have to be made and he was able to make these decisions on his own. I found that the Doctors and pharmacists were very good with using printouts of all needed information and telling us everything we needed to know. She may even want to take notes herself. My son just wanted to know the important things he needed to do like drink lots of fluids for chemo or not to move around too much after surgery etc. I took care of all the details like appointment times etc.

Here is a page that deals with the support a person will need with ovarian cancer. At the bottom you will see questions to ask tab.
https://www.cancer.ca/en/cancer-information/cancer-type/ovarian/supportive-care/?region=on

Here is a page that deals with how to cope with anxiety and stress for your daughter but as caregivers we also benefit from this information.
https://www.cancer.ca/en/cancer-information/living-with-cancer/your-emotions-and-cancer/coping-with-anxiety-and-stress/?region=on

I hope this helps at little.

Please let us know how things go with the appointment.

Warm hugs for you both
law1
512 Posts
Welcome DJMa‍ ,
It is understood how frustrating it must be for you to see your daughter in such distress. You have a supportive group of folks on this site, and Trillium's links are the best place to begin to find info.
All I can add at this time is that cancer can create a feeling of being open to receiving ideas and acceptance for help offered, and, yet, it can often create closed doors depending upon one's emotions from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. Cancer is the guest who refuses to regularly display good manners!
Please keep us posted,
law
Refuge33
28 Posts
Hi. Patience and empathy. Everyone acts differently. Try insinuating yourself into her Dr consultations. I make sure that I am present during my wife’s phone appts and even during the last in person appt. If you offer to make notes for her then shewill not be missing any info. Just take notes. In the beginning tell her that is all you are doing so she can refer tothem when at home. You never know how important each piece of info is. Do this gently and slowly, particularly if she isin a contrary mood. At other times, just “hold space” for her. Holding space is just being present with her. Allow her to experience whatever trauma she is going through at that moment without offering any advice, no small talk. Eventually I am pretty sure you would be tell when she is in the mood to have physical help or verbal interaction. Then engage.
It can be a very fine balance. You are now beyond the traditional mother/daughter relationship and you have to show her, through youractions and words, that you are doing the caregiving, as one adult to another.
I hope this helps ❤️☮️
DJMa
6 Posts
Refuge33‍ Thanks for the insight. We are still waiting for a surgery date. She was told 4 to 6 weeks. This coming Thursday will be the 6 weeks. I have asked her to call but she doesn't want to bother them. It is very hard for me to watch her lose weight, be fatigued and in discomfort and not try to do something. Being present and holding space is what I hang on to right now.
I coach my self everyday with sayings that I put up for me .
LIG - Let it go.
FIUYMI- Fake it until you make it.
Thanks again for insight. DJMa
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