Posted by rivers on Nov 22, 2020 10:09 pm
MCoaster thank you for your message. I am seeing that it can be helpful to offer support to others when and if I can, to bring some focus outside my own thoughts, that will be there anyway for a long time. Just trying to connect with others who understand what this is like helps. It is so sad that so many people experience this in life, but I'm so thankful this forum exists. Re: rivers, you describe it well. Right now I feel swept along by time, though I am wanting to go back, and grasping for anything to keep me afloat and connected to him, and the feeling of drowning in tears. But also maybe carried along by people, friends, family and people on sites like this, who are keeping my head above water. It shifts hourly...
Posted by ws33 on Dec 28, 2020 11:22 pm
Thank you for everyone's support. I don't know how we could go through it without this group. I wish one day no one would have to go through this.
Posted by Brighty on Dec 28, 2020 11:40 pm
Posted by Trillium on Dec 29, 2020 12:05 am
Posted by Trillium on Dec 29, 2020 9:52 am
This article is titled What the Newly Bereaved should know.
Posted by Cynthia Mac on Dec 29, 2020 9:56 am
Time and your memories of him will help to heal your heart, even more than the knowledge that his suffering is over.
Be kind to yourself, and reach out here whenever you need.
Posted by Buffythevampire on Dec 29, 2020 12:52 pm
ws33 I can relate with what you are going through now. I feel fortunate that I was able to see her for her last 3 days on earth. I believe she is now with my dad who passed away 10 years ago. The family dog passed away in October, they are all together now.
Posted by Buffythevampire on Dec 29, 2020 1:28 pm
My younger brother lived with mom and it must be more difficult for him with all the memories associated with the house. I notice it when I go and visit him. Christmas was very different. I had the 23-25 off of work and was planning on spending Christmas with my mom. My brother worked 24-26. We ended up having our Christmas on Dec 27th. The Christmas gifts that I had bought for mom I returned as I couldn't look at them anymore. For almost 10 years, mom and I have had season tickets for the local hockey team. Once hockey starts again, I am not sure what kind of emotions will appear.
Taking things one day at a time.
Posted by Runner Girl on Dec 29, 2020 4:29 pm
I am so very sorry for the lost of your mom. I'm glad you were able to spend a little time with her before her passing. Keep those memories close to your heart.
It's coming up to 3 years since my mom passed. Of all the deaths in my family I find hers to be the most difficult for me. She passed just before cancer showed up in my life.
One day at a time will get you thru your grief phases. Sending you a big HUG.
Posted by Trillium on Dec 29, 2020 5:35 pm
My daughter has been going through some grief with her dads passing from cancer a few years ago too. She has insomnia and with the stress of her job and COVID along with moving she hit rock bottom yesterday with depression. It can be a very serious concern and she is being proactive by going to see her dr tomorrow to get medication to help her sleep and also help her depression.
So, even though we ourselves may be feeling ok at some point we can have a family member that becomes not ok and we have to watch out for them too. May you and your family get through this holiday time and into the new year to find healing and peace.
Warmest of hugs for you during this difficult time.
Posted by ws33 on Dec 30, 2020 12:56 am
Trillium - Thank you for the bereavement links. Sometime I wonder why schools do not teach bereavement. It is such an important topic. I feel fatherless, true, don't feel good about it. I hope your daughter gets better soon.
Cynthia Mac - Thank you for your help at the start of the cancer journey. Your support was always helpful. I am sorry bout your loss too. How are you coping?
Buffythevampire - my dad have two catheters planted. The first one got clotted about three weeks after it was planted. When it was clotted, there was blood in the fluid. It was scared. My dad was in and out the hospital for 3-4 days. Very exhausting. Then the second one got planted. His chemo stopped around end of October. In dad's very last week, I worked at my parents' home, so I could help my parents out a bit. The palliative care nurse visited everyday, so my dad had a lot of comfort and under good care. The palliative care doctor visited him and gave oxygen on 23rd. During the doctor visit, he was upbeat and chatty. Dad was so happy and he said he could finally sleep comfortably. Due to his short of breath, he could not sleep well. Hence he slept a lot of the 24th. He still tired on the 25th, I found him somewhat confused. He was usually very sharp! I am surprised your mom's situation was somewhat similar. I always thought it was only my dad's cancer caused eating problems and digestion problems. I am wrong. Cancer is a very cruel disease.
Take good care, everyone.
Posted by law on Dec 30, 2020 1:11 pm
How sad , and rightly so, for you to be in your situation watching your Dad deteriorate.
Agonizing for both of you.
All the heartfelt posts to and from you cover most of my thoughts and wishes , and, it is imperative to realize your mind and body do need relaxation and positive thoughts for your life at this time, and always. It is a healthy need although very challenging at this time.
It is easier said than done, you are very strong....yet speaking with a counsellor, or posting to this site, may get some of the strain you feel a bit of an escape. Please keep posting.
Posted by Cynthia Mac on Jan 1, 2021 9:46 am
ws33 , I’m doing ok. Thank you for asking! It’s certainly been a roller coaster - more so, at times, than when I was in the role of caregiver. Dad’s house has been sold, and the closing date is coming up the end of this month. I think (apart from the family dynamic) that the biggest challenge for me was getting enough sleep. Dad’s loss resulted in me making some major changes and I hope I don’t look back and wonder if I’d have done things differently if I’d had more sleep!
To both of you, it was remarkable to me how differently I managed the loss of my two parents, so I want you to know that your grieving process might not go as easily or difficultly as mine has.
When my mother passed away, I more or less “walked” through it. That had a lot to do with Mom’s philosophy on death and dying, her attitude toward this life, and the fact that Dad needed support so soon after she died. (At first it was just taking over administration of his home and finances, but he got his diagnosis just a couple months after she passed, so my role quickly increased to caregiver and chauffeur as well.) When Dad passed, there was the estate to deal with, and he had stayed in the house, so there were some residual items of Mom’s that we had to deal with as well. I think that on top of grieving for Dad, I also had to deal with some residual grief for Mom that I either deferred or didn’t have time to address back then.
We all grieve differently, but the common theme I think is important to keep with you is to be kind to yourself: allow yourself moments to process, remember, and feel.
Again, I am sorry for your loss.
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