Log in or Register to participate in these discussions

Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by MicheleD on Oct 8, 2020 5:54 pm

Even though I am surrounded with caring friends, I miss my best friend of all...my husband. He is undergoing heavy chemo for Pancreatic cancer and hopes to soon have the Whipple surgery. It has been a long haul. My big strong man has lost a lot of weight and some hair and has become a quiet quiet person. He has almost no energy and little patience for any type of conversation...just takes too much out of him. Anyone else facing a situation like this? I don't mind that I am now the only person working and have to carry that financial burden or that my husband no longer has the energy to do anything outside the house. I'm just sad all the time and grieving the life we had. Sorry to be a whiner. I have much to be thankful for.

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by Brighty on Oct 8, 2020 7:42 pm

MicheleD‍  you dont have anything to apaologize for . . You are not a whiner.    You are going through  a terrible  time and I can relate.    I will private message you and we can chat more if you want.      
Help is out there. All you have to do is reach out.

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by MicheleD on Oct 8, 2020 8:59 pm

Thank you. I'm not sure how this works or how to private message.

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by Brighty on Oct 8, 2020 9:33 pm

MicheleD‍  go to "dashboard "and my 'messages .'
you can also read my story  in the 'community  news 'section.    'Meet Brighty '  it's on page 3 or 4 or something like thst.    
Help is out there. All you have to do is reach out.

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by Brighty on Oct 8, 2020 9:57 pm

MicheleD‍ I sent you a private message.   Go to 'dashboard''my messages 'and 'inbox'.   
Help is out there. All you have to do is reach out.

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by MicheleD on Oct 8, 2020 11:06 pm

Thanks so much. Busy this evening but will do this tomorrow 

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by Laika57 on Oct 8, 2020 11:08 pm

MicheleD‍ oh i so hear you, and i would never call you a whiner. Else I'd have to label myself a crybaby ;-)
pancreatic cancer is rough. Hubby had the whipple 4(?) Months ago and is still losing weight. (Not that the folks at the hospital have bothered weighing him since august...). Anyhow, now that he seems to nearly be medically stabilized (after 1001 infections throughout chemo and post surgery) he has now decided to be suicidal. I told him if he kept talking that way i would strangle him myself...
The joys of being a caregiver...
check out the ontario caregiver organisation webinars.
Caregiver resentment
Nonviolent communication
and a bunch of others... 
They've helped me a bundle. Less actual help, but recognizing when i fall into bad patterns. I feel a lot more zen about the whole thing now, except when the urge to strangle the man overcomes me ;-)

feel free to come here and vent. Noones situation is exactly alike, but there's still more understanding to be found here than almost anywhere else...

 
Have you hugged your dog today?

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by DSL on Oct 9, 2020 10:13 am

I feel the same way.. my big strong man has undergone 8 months of treatments, including radiation and 3 different types of chemo. He is very weak now and can't do any activities we used to enjoy together. It is very difficult grieving someone who is still here, but that is exactly what is happening. We miss them so much even though they are still right here 😟

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by Brighty on Oct 9, 2020 10:30 am

DSL‍ my heart breaks for you , too.  Anticipatory  grief is very common after a cancer  diagnosis  and its gut wrenching to watch the person you love go down hill.  Sending  big hugs your way.    
Help is out there. All you have to do is reach out.

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by Nadian on Oct 10, 2020 9:57 am

MicheleD‍  I can relate to how you feel.  I have said on this board that I feel like my husband is a stranger to me now. Like your husband, surgery and chemo     have left him very diminished.  It makes me sad and angry as well.  This board is a safe place to express these feelings.  I also watched the webinars recommended by Laika57‍  and I found them helpful.  Giving you a virtual hug.

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by MicheleD on Oct 10, 2020 11:36 am

Many thanks! It is good to know this is more common than I thought.

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by MLA on Oct 12, 2020 12:05 pm

MicheleD
OMG I could have written this exact message. My husband was diagnosed in June with Pancreatic Cancer, has undergone WhippleSurgery and  has started 6 mos of agressive chemo. He has lost 40 pounds, is weak, prone to infections, doesn’t feel like eating,  After every treatment he becomes very tired, quiet,  sleeps many hours and just when he starts to come up the hill, he returns for treatment. It is so difficult for him and myself. I find that we must hang on to little moments, like short walks in the sun, mini yoga sessions to improve breathing, talking to the children on skype and last but not the least hugs and kisses. This Thanksgiving we can be greatful that we are together. Even through all changes love endures. I wish you luck and thank you for your post. I feel less alone. 

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by CentralAB on Oct 13, 2020 10:40 pm

MicheleD‍ Thank you for posting this personal experience with being caregiver for your husband. As you have seen, the type of situation you have described is more common than some would think. When I was caregiver for my wife, I experienced the same difficulties and went through many similar grieving moments, before she died. It was tough for me because we were really connected in every way, and to have her in the room, and not be able to chat or anything else was hard. But we did thrive on just being together, even if things were not ideal because of the disease process. That was our major goal, just be together, through it all. I have no regrets now because we talked about it in advance and did everything according to our plan. The grieving doesn't go away, but it changes. It will depend on a number of factors. Its important to intentionally choose how you will react to your own grief experience and feelings. At least it was for me. And I found that very helpful. One choice I made as a response was to get out several times a week for some exercise. That was one of the smartest things I did. I hope you will find ways to keep your strength up and to help give you respite from the role of caregiver. Its really hard to care for someone else if you are falling apart. Please come back anytime you need to. You are not whining when you post here. We are here to help/support one another.

MicheleD:
Even though I am surrounded with caring friends, I miss my best friend of all...my husband. He is undergoing heavy chemo for Pancreatic cancer and hopes to soon have the Whipple surgery. It has been a long haul. My big strong man has lost a lot of weight and some hair and has become a quiet quiet person. He has almost no energy and little patience for any type of conversation...

 
________________ "there is always a little Light"

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by MicheleD on Oct 14, 2020 12:59 am

Thank you for sharing your situation with me. I am greatly encouraged to know there is a way through. I have good days and not so good. When I originally posted it was at the end of a difficult month of days. But life goes on and I find new ways to deal with the trials. I'm learning to find joy in little things. Today we both sat outside on the porch watching a tremendous wind storm in the forest behind us. For an hour nothing else concerned us but the beauty and power shown in those trees. A good day for sure. I look forward to more.

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by Drala on Oct 14, 2020 8:22 am

MicheleD‍ 
Hi Michelle, I’m care giver along with my daughter for my beloved brother in law & my girls uncle. He is in the final stages of colon & liver cancer complicated by a 40 year history of Aplastic Anemia & low platelets. While he isn’t a husband he’s unmarried so we have always been extremely close. 

I understand all those changes that are so hard especially the inward focus & inability to talk or chat about anything. Like you we are surrounded by caring people but they aren’t really able to spend the nights or time that’s needed for end of life care at home. We have no idea from day to day or even hour to hour how things will go. I’m sure you must be in the same boat. 

I hope your husband has a successful surgery when the time comes. I’m thinking of you & sending hope your way. 

Heather 

Re: Caregiving Spouse feeling very alone

Posted by Wendy Tea on Oct 14, 2020 9:48 am

Drala‍  Thank you for posting.  I am so sorry about your brother in law's cancer and he is fortunate he is surrounded by such a loving family.  We all pray for wonderful care. We are here to support you and also welcome your words of encouragement to others. 
Healing takes time and opportunity. Wendy Tea