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Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by CentralAB on Jul 18, 2020 7:57 pm

It seems each week I learn of yet another case where a caregiver has lost their spouse to cancer. The care giving journey has ended, and now, usually with quite a jolt, the caregiver is faced with a new life, that we often dont even want in the first place. Without our spouse, it seems impossible to pick up the pieces. This topic, is of course open to those who are not married, but have lost a life partner.

This topic is just to say to all such, that we can talk about the subject here in a safe, non-judgmental environment. I hope I chose the right section for this topic?

To start, I thought I would enclose a video that I have found very helpful. Please feel free to jump in and add to the topic your experience.



The web site that I found this video on is here Grief Journey  There are a lot of very helpful insights on this site for all types of grief.
 
________________ "there is always a little Light"

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by CentralAB on Jul 18, 2020 9:53 pm

The lady in this video who lost her spouse said some things that reminded me of my wife. For my wife, her two biggest goals were to have kids, and a happy, loving marriage. And the first of those two dreams about having kids was a true miracle. She had her first diagnoses of ovarian cancer, at a young age, before any kids. One ovary was removed, and doctors said "you will likely never be able to have children."  My wife went home and prayed for one boy, and one girl. and a couple years later, THATS exactly what she had! I call her kids "the miracle children."  The other dream was a bit of a nightmare for my wife for a while, but then we met through online dating, and had one really good year together. I kept telling her "You are exactly what I advertised for."  and then she got a third time diagnoses of untreatable granuloma cell tumour of the other ovary, with mets to a number of other areas, including the liver. I never once doubted even a little bit that we were brought together for a special reason/s and that may very well have been it. I remember, one day she was having, it was a really bad day. After I got her stabilized by hollering at home care and doctor, she was sitting at the kitchen table, and I couldnt resist. I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me.  We both cried, but we knew that that was an idea that we both really wanted to do. By the time the day arrived for us to tie the knot, as they say, (to me it was a bow) she was quite sick, so we had to just get married in her bed. Kind of like John Lennon & Yoko I guess. In the end, my wife did have that second dream of a happy marriage; but I sometimes feel like I got the (^)^ end of the stick. My nightmare began the day she died. Now, I have moved away from that a bit, but some days I just fall right back to nightmare mode. This week has been a major roller-coaster that way for me. Up one minute, down the next.

Now, several months later, some people have accused me of being too happy! I couldn't believe my ears the first time it was said to me! I must be doing something right; but somedays I have no idea what. My wife was the first true friend I have ever really experienced. Its not easy to just "get over it" or to "move on." I have come to detest that catch-all phrase "move on" because, for one thing, I wonder who really knows what they are talking about when they say that?

I am happy that I am doing pretty well exactly what I promised my wife I would do with my life. BUT I think if she were here; she would definitely get me to speed up the unpacking process from moving recently...lol over a month ago now.
________________ "there is always a little Light"

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by Brighty on Jul 19, 2020 2:34 am

CentralAB‍ your love of your wife knew no bounds.     Your dedication , love and devotion  to her were so special  and precious.    You had a love between  the two of you that most people  don't get in this life time.   You were so lucky  to  have each other.     The Roller coaster thing is totally normal.    Some days I would be perfectly fine and then out of nowhere  burst into tears.      People  would also say 'you're doing so well"  but it was totally  a mask I would put on.   Then I would get in the car and ball my eyes out.      I hate it when people  tell me to move on too.   You just don't move on from such a profound loss like that.   Let's see how quick the person who said it would move on from losing someone they loved so deeply.      I haven't moved on completely either.  I still wear my engagement  ring and have no plans to take it off.     Unpack at what ever pace to want to..  and you will move on when ever YOU move on.. not on others timetables.     I find I haven't  truly moved on....I just found a way  to sort of live with Dan not being here.     Not much other choice.   Just know we are always here for you.     
Help is out there. All you have to do is reach out.

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by Kattie666 on Jul 19, 2020 8:41 am

CentralAB‍   You keep doing you!  My mom lost her love of her life at age 28 in 1968.  Mom is about to turn 80 this year and still misses my Dad terribly.  No it does not consume her whole life.... she has remarried twice and lost both of those husbands too.  One just doesn't "move on" when we lose our loves.I have been married 38 years and have gone through Three brain aneurysm clippings (8 years ago) and now have a fresh diagnosis of ovarian cancer (stage 1).  The only time I seem to cry is when I think about all my husband has gone through.  I wish I could shield him from his pain of having to watch me go through this journey, especially with the added complications of Covid.  Keep living your life, at your pace and I hope you can find another love.  Don't let anyone make you think it diminishes your love for your recently deceased spouse. Love life.  We only get one.
 

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by Cynthia Mac on Jul 19, 2020 10:01 am

Let me begin with a caveat: I haven’t lost my spouse, but I did lose a man with whom I had a 60+ year relationship, and who meant more to me than any other man who has ever entered my life: my Dad. So, I’m counting myself a charter member to this discussion!

I agree with Brighty‍ And Kattie666‍ - we don’t “move on” - we “readjust” - not always the same thing. I found the quote I was looking for: “When you can't change the direction of the wind – adjust your sails,” - H. Jackson Brown Jr. Grief does not always move us “on” — many times it tosses us around like a yacht in a hurricane. So, we readjust, and we keep readjusting until our personal seas calm back down again.

I don’t feel anyone has the right to use their “judge-o-meter” on our personal level of happiness on any given day. Pretty much ever, so from that standpoint, I agree with Kattie to “keep doing you.”

On many occasions, I talk about legacy. When we lose a loved one, we carry on their legacy, whether it’s the shadow of their inventive mind (my dad), using our creative gifts (my grandmother), living their organized way of administering day-to-day activities (my mom), or choosing laughter over pain (my grandmother). 

I also talk about touchstones — these are “things” that tend to make us feel one way or another — I recently got my Dad’s stainless steel pepper mill. Dad and I loved our pepper, and I truly believe that that little orb of stainless steel with a crank on top will become one of my most prized possessions, simply because when I look at it and touch it, I feel the connection between us. The same goes for my grandmother’s dining set, and my mother’s wedding ring. 

So if your wife’s legacy was to bring a smile to your face and a song to your lips when you think of her, you are carrying her legacy. And that’s such a wonderful thing.

 
“When the root is deep, there is no reason to fear the wind.” - Japanese saying

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by CentralAB on Jul 19, 2020 2:06 pm

Yes! And we both recognize this early on. It was always such an amazing connection we had. Even when I was miles away in a forest somewhere, I would always know if something was wrong, and usually, even what was wrong. I remember one day I got a "message" while in the woods somewhere and I was out of cell-service range. But when I got that message, I raced to the top of a hill where I knew there would be cell service and called home. I told the caregiver, "I am getting the message her nausea is acting up on er, so can you please give her this, this, and this.?" Several caregivers have expressed utter amazement at how connected we were. Its really hard to lose something like that.

Brighty:
CentralAB‍ your love of your wife knew no bounds.     Your dedication , love and devotion  to her were so special  and precious.    You had a love between  the two of you that most people  don't get in this life time.  

________________ "there is always a little Light"

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by CentralAB on Jul 19, 2020 2:12 pm

Thank you Kattie666‍  My wife's kids have said similar, that "she would want you to be happy." And I will be; I am happy now too. I just have these great waves of grief that sort of stop me in my tracks from time to time. Right now, the biggest thing on my mind is to find and photograph the Grizzly bears that i know are here. I KNOW that my wife would smile about that one.

Kattie666:
CentralAB‍   You keep doing you!    Keep living your life, at your pace and I hope you can find another love.  Don't let anyone make you think it diminishes your love for your recently deceased spouse. Love life.  We only get one.
 

 
________________ "there is always a little Light"

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by CentralAB on Jul 19, 2020 2:16 pm

Cynthia Mac‍ You most definitely are a "charter member" of this discussion. What a wonderful legacy for a "child" to have about their Dad!  I like the ideas of "legacy" and "touchstones."  I will come back later to comment more on that.

Cynthia Mac:
Let me begin with a caveat: I haven’t lost my spouse, but I did lose a man with whom I had a 60+ year relationship, and who meant more to me than any other man who has ever entered my life: my Dad. So, I’m counting myself a charter member to this discussion!

On many occasions, I talk about legacy. When we lose a loved one, we carry on their legacy, whether it’s the shadow of their inventive mind (my dad), using our creative gifts (my grandmother), living their organized way of administering day-to-day activities (my mom), or choosing laughter over pain (my grandmother). 

I also talk about touchstones — these are “things” that tend to make us feel one way or another — I recently got my Dad’s stainless steel pepper mill. Dad and I loved our pepper, and I truly believe that that little orb of stainless steel with a crank on top will become one of my most prized possessions, simply because when I look at it and touch it, I feel the connection between us. The same goes for my grandmother’s dining set, and my mother’s wedding ring. 

So if your wife’s legacy was to bring a smile to your face and a song to your lips when you think of her, you are carrying her legacy. And that’s such a wonderful thing.

 

 
________________ "there is always a little Light"

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by CentralAB on Jul 19, 2020 2:23 pm

I am hoping that when he is ready and feels like pitching in to this discussion EdwardTrishSmith‍ will join us in this discussion. I know from experience here at cancer Connection that pain shared is pain divided.
________________ "there is always a little Light"

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by Brighty on Jul 19, 2020 2:47 pm

CentralAB‍  hey you be careful  around those grisly bears ya hear?
Help is out there. All you have to do is reach out.

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by CentralAB on Jul 19, 2020 3:19 pm

Some have said they need to be careful around me Brighty‍ lol I do have utmost respect for their power, and strength. I take every precaution to remain safe. There was one instance a short while ago where I saw a black bear, it was very close to me, but I did not take its picture, as it would have been too unsafe, more for the bear than me. If they are close to the road, people always want to stop to photograph them. But thats exactly why they should not. The bear gets used to traffic and people, and sadly, thats how many die. In Alberta, they have just this summer made it illegal to stop on the road to view wild life, or photograph it from the road like that. To photograph them safely, requires research and planning. And a really huge Zoom Lens.

db9e9e7ab8b1911af25ce2f2eb06bb09-huge-bi
 
________________ "there is always a little Light"

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by Cynthia Mac on Jul 19, 2020 4:02 pm

Brighty‍ Wrote:
hey you be careful  around those grisly bears ya hear?

Oh, look! Another “mother hen!” ‘Twould appear I’m not alone!

It takes a village, eh, CentralAB‍ ? 💛
“When the root is deep, there is no reason to fear the wind.” - Japanese saying

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by Laika57 on Jul 19, 2020 5:16 pm

CentralAB‍ my husband has a photograph titled "the bear" it's of a small stream in algonquin park. people would start searching for the bear in the print - but in actual fact, the bear was standing behind him when he took the photo. The shots of the actual bear all turned out a bit fuzzy ;-)
he would love doing what you are right now. If he gets through this, I'll have to find a way to make it happen.
Have you hugged your dog today?

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by EdwardTrishSmith on Jul 19, 2020 5:34 pm

Hello everyone, my name is Edward Smith. And, I would like to thank CentralAB for inviting me to join this group. I would also like thank all those who have, or will post their stories here. I would also like to thank all of you who lend your support, guidance, and listening ear. You may never understand what your impact may truly be. 

I think that it is only fair that I share my experience being a care giver for my beautiful best friend and wife, Patricia. 

Many of you may have read my post "Our Cancer Journey". If you haven't, it's ok, I will re-post it here after, I have completed this entry. What I haven't shared in that post, was my experience during the last few months of my wife's life. 

Up until January 2020, my wife was mobile and what appeared to be in relatively "good" health. Yes, she was losing weight. And, yes she was not feeling her self. But, who would after a year of cancer treatments. It was until early February 2020, that all that changed. I had to rush her to the hospital. She had a massive kidney infection. After she returned home everything changed. I had to learn how to inject pain medication (medication, that if I got on my skin, would cause me to go into cardiac arrest. Due to my allergy to it), change dressings, drain and change a nephrostomy tube and bag. I became a jack of all trades. I became cook, cleaner, laundry mat, nurse, and counselor. Don't get me wrong, I loved it. It was my opportunity to repay a lifetime of love and devotion my wife showed me. 

As she got more sick, as months passed, I spent every waking hour (and many sleepless nights) tending to her every need. There were days that I didn't sleep. I remember staying awake watching her sleep, ensure that she was still breathing. The fear of her dieing was palpable. I will be honest, that there were times that I went to the washroom just to cry, when I got overwhelmed. But, I sucked it up and went back to "work." 

As my wife became increasingly sick, covid 19 was just beginning to impact North America. So, with the governments frantically trying to get a hold on the pandemic and urging people with underlying health issues to self isolate, my wife and I chose not to have any homecare. I would take on all responsibilities and care for my beautiful wife.

I was the only one who took care of her, even family members stayed away. Our children stayed away at first, which caused her loads of distress. But, finally three weeks before her death, my youngest daughter came to help. Spending a few hours a day with her mom to ease my load. She found out that it wasn't easy. In fact, she quickly became overwhelmed. Understandable really. She is afterall only 19. She would stay a few days and then go back home. But, Everytime she came her mother would perk up. It was what my wife needed. 

Those few hours a day, allowed me to get the groceries picked up, wash clothes and prepare needles. 

When my wife felt down or in pain, she would say that she needed her Buddha belly (she loved to place her head on my stomach as she wrapped her arms around me. And, I would massage her head). It was such a small thing, but it gave her so much comfort. She would always thank me for everything I did, even though I expressed to her that none were required. She would often say that if she didn't have me, she'd have no one. Sadly, that it was true. Many of her friends, stopped talking to her once she was diagnosed. Others, would call or text her maybe once a month. Still others, figured that I had everything under control and that she didn't need them. But, that was never the case. I would often say to her to call someone and just have a conversation. Sometimes she would other times, she wouldn't. Depended on her condition and mood that day. But, she was always the happiest, when I was lying down with her chatting or watching TV. 

I rarely cried in front of her, even though I wanted to break down almost everyday, at the thought that I may lose her. The times that I did, she would hold me and say that I held her through her meltdowns now was her turn to hold me through mine. It wasn't that I was to manly to cry (whatever that means), it was that I didn't want her to think that I had given up all hope. I never gave up hope, not until she passed away did all hope leave me. I was determined to turn her around. I thought that I could love her through anything. That I honestly could change the outcome. At first, when she passed away. I thought that I had failed her. But, after a lengthy conversation with her oncologists, I realized that I had done everything that I could have possibly done. It was little comfort, because the outcome was the same. 

Anyway, I have gone on much too long. Hopefully, I didn't exhaust your patience. Thank you for reading. Ed

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by Brighty on Jul 19, 2020 6:00 pm

EdwardTrishSmith‍ thank you for sharing  your story  and underlining what so many caregivers go through.    The helplessness,  having to take on so many different  roles,  the loneliness,  the abandonment  by loved ones,....feeling overwhelmed by despair and having  to hide it.  ....feeling guilty you aren't doing enough.     I have felt every single one of those emotions too.     You described it to a T.          Caregiving  is no easy feat and many people  just can't handle it and bail.    Your love and devotion  to your wife is so beautiful and special.     You have a heart of gold and you were so lucky to have each other.        And we are lucky to have you as a member  here.     
Help is out there. All you have to do is reach out.

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by EdwardTrishSmith on Jul 19, 2020 6:19 pm

Thank you so much for your kind words, Brightly. Care giving is a very rewarding experience, no matter what the outcome is. However, as you have pointed out, it is very hard. But, anything easy isn't worth doing. As I have always say, my wife and I lived a lifetime in her last 2 years of life. We grew closer than I thought possible. We loved deeper than I thought possible.  I can honestly say that I know my wife better than I could have if I had lived with her healthy for 50 years. Her illness, allowed us to ignore the Bull and truly focus on what was important. I really thought we had done that before, but we did not. I know of many couples that have split up when a cancer diagnosis emerges in a relationship. It's really sad, but I understand that not everyone can deal with the stress and anxiety that comes with care giving. But, I truly couldn't find it in me to abandon the woman I loved, adored, in her hour of need. Likewise, neither could any of you. You should all be proud of yourselves, because you were there when it mattered most. 

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by Laika57 on Jul 19, 2020 7:50 pm

You sound like a wonderful person EdwardTrishSmith‍ but I've got to disagree with caregiving being rewarding. Depends on who you're taking care of and what their mental status is I suppose. My cheerful can do it all husband turned into an angry petulant tyrant near overnight. I know it's not his fault, but the delirium, mental breakdown whatever you want to call it. I lost my husband back in December and I have been tending to his shell. There is still a tiny bit of hope that I may yet get him back, but the last 7 months were spent head down, clutching at that strand of hope and it is fraying. I'm still here. I'm not a quitter. But it has cost me dearly. If, as the doctors are hinting, he doesn't make it through the next week, I plan on forgetting the past seven months just as soon as I can and remember the 20 years before that instead.
Have you hugged your dog today?

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by EdwardTrishSmith on Jul 19, 2020 8:41 pm

I am so sorry that you are going through that, Laika57. Although not my experience, I can only imagine what you are feeling. And, you are right, right now it isn't the same man whom you shared a great 20 years with. If it was you know that he would apologize for what has happened. I wish I could help you better, I wish I could give your husband back to you as he was. All that I can say is we are here for you.  if you need to talk to vent your frustrations, just let it out here. We are here to support you. You are a great lady, for standing by your husband in the face of such adversity. Many people would abandon their love one under such circumstances. You did not! A very admirable trait. 

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by Dot75 on Jul 20, 2020 10:11 am

EdwardTrishSmithCentralAB‍   when I read your post about the days and past year of your care giving for your beautiful wife, it was like I was reading about my own caregiving to my wonderful husband.  He was such a strong handsome man. He really would turn the ladies heads lol, but he was so true blue to me and I was so protective of him.
He wasn’t diagnosed until November 2019 we had just spent the month of August and into Sept. at a campground overlooking the Bay of Fundy in Nova Scotia!  When we left we booked it again for this year!  He had a Dr. Apt on Oct 4th.  Little did we imagine what was in store for us!  He eventually had a colonoscopy and they said, you have stage 4 colon cancer Mets to liver, the whole liver was compromised, the Lymph nodes and a nodule on the adrenal.....for some reason your mind blocks out the words that come next!  
The children asked him to fight, and he did.  The first chemo was Dec.9 and every two weeks he went until the 8th one, he couldn’t go anymore, he had lost all energy and eventually the last week was spent in a hospital bed in our living room.  I too had to learn how to administer the needles and anything else that was needed.  Our wonderful Doctor finally got a night nurse so we could get a few hours sleep!  This was only for the last three weeks.
Fortunately for me our wonderful son-in-law came and stayed 24/7 that whole week until the last night when it was just me and the girls and grandchildren (those that were strong enough to stay). 
I tear up when I think of what our son-in-law did for us. I wasn’t strong enough to lift him as he was starting to fall and the delirium was setting in!  
when he passed I felt like I had failed him.  He would say things like “I think you are keeping me alive”. I would have done anything to make that happen.  From Dec. to April 4th the night he passed I spent a lot of time alone and crying!  I didn’t want him to see that!  
even though I knew he wasn’t going to make it I kept hoping.  At one point I asked him if he was mad at me and he was shocked that I asked that.  He had a look on his face that suggested that, but I think he was lost in thought about his situation!  I couldn’t fix it and I tried so hard, but he is gone and now I have to learn how to cope and do the things he used to do as well.  
I am sorry for going on but your story released something in me this morning.    Dot75

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by EdwardTrishSmith on Jul 20, 2020 10:53 am

Dot75, As I read your post, I couldn't help see how I was. I too Feel like I failed my wife. That I should have been able to turn her around. I created spreadsheets to keep track of everything from food intake, blood pressure, Temperature, Nephrostomy output, medications (what and when was each administered), I even recorded if she got out of bed and for how long. I kept a daily journal of her symptoms, so I could inform the Doctors. I spent endless hours pouring over medical journals researching diet, medications, treatments, etc.! Yet, in the end it wasn't enough! I failed my beautiful, Beautiful wife! I have spent hours combing through my mind and notes, trying to see what and how I went wrong. what could I have done to prevent this! She relied on me! Why couldn't I have saved her??? 
I sit in this empty house, that was so full of love and life not to long ago, and I am lost! I see our friends and family moving around with their significant others, I am so jealous! Everyone seems to have moved past her death. I am still here longing for a hug or kiss from her. longing to hear her voice, her laugh, for her to call out my name! How am I supposed to live each day without her? How am I supposed to look forward to the future? She was my world! When I was feeling down, I would run to her. Who am I to turn to now? I know that it is an old cliche that your spouse is your best friend. But, cliche's are based in truth.She was my best friend. She was the first and only person in my life that I could be 100% myself around. I never had to pretend around her. she knew my weaknesses, my deepest fears, the parts of you that you hide from the world; and I knew hers! I feel as though I have walked into a fog filled nightmare, where all around me is darkness. I feel empty and hollow. I am scared! 
I write a Facebook post about her everyday, just so I feel like I have a connection to her. And, I hate Facebook! She was the Facebook junkie. But, I do it because she would have posted, if she were here. I am sorry, but I had to write this down, I had to get it out. I feel like I am sinking some days (today is one). 

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by Brighty on Jul 20, 2020 12:02 pm

Dot75‍  and EdwardTrishSmith‍ my heart goes out to both of you.    I  have felt all the emotions you describe  too.   I struggled with guilt for the longest time too.     Please let me emphasize you did NOT fail your partners.   You  did everything  you possibly  could under  horrible circumstances.      Cancer has a mind of  its own and there is nothing  more you could have done.    I struggled  with envy too.    Everyone  would get to come home to their healthy spouces while I couldn't.    I hated it when others would complain about silly things about their partners   like "he left  his dishes on the counter ' or some like that.   I would think to myself  I'd give anything  for mine to be able to leave his dishes on the counter.   I even  avoided people  for a while because  I couldn't  stand to hear people  talk about their partners.    I'm good with it now but it took time.       Everything  you are feeling  is valid Edward.    For me, I felt I had to go to grief councelling  because  these feelings  consumed me.    I worked through them and feel so much better about things but it took some time.     I still get those thoughts every so often and that's when I call up my grief  counceller  by phone.    Would that be something  you would consider?     
Help is out there. All you have to do is reach out.

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by Dot75 on Jul 20, 2020 12:29 pm

EdwardTrishSmith‍ oh Edward I feel every heartache you are describing.  I too wonder how people can complain, don’t they know how fast that their partner can be taken from them?  The sun still comes out everyday, and people laugh and joke!  I do realize that we have our own life to live out the best way we can and eventually we will find our way!
in the mean time I will grieve my loss of the most wonderful man that I had.  This is our time to grieve and try to find our way.  I find I cry over the smallest things.  I try to push the envy and anger away as much as possible and some days I just give in to it and stay secluded in my house!
How could this possibly have happened to me again?  I was supposed to be the one to go first!!   A higher power obviously knows better than us as to where life will take us!   I just have to come on this website and find that I aM not alone that there are so many suffering the loss of a loved one!
Someone said to me “just remember you did not die”. Even though part of our heart goes with the. We remain here to honour their memory as best we can and to live our life as best we can.
funny how we know these things but understanding them right now takes effort!  I will eventually post some memories too!  It is just that it hurts so much, and I just watched his truck leaVe our driveway for the last time, next will be the trailer.....it is such raw feelings right now!
Dot75

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by EdwardTrishSmith on Jul 20, 2020 12:52 pm

Brighty:
 For me, I felt I had to go to grief councelling  because  these feelings  consumed me.    I worked through them and feel so much better about things but it took some time.     I still get those thoughts every so often and that's when I call up my grief  counceller  by phone.    Would that be something  you would consider?     

I have scheduled a conversation with a grief counselor, the quickest that I can see one is next Tuesday July 28, 2020. I am reluctant about it. How can this person help me? Have they gone through it, themselves? They do not know my wife. How are they going to know how important she was to me, how amazing she was? 
Even with these doubts in my mind, I know that I have to do something. My wife would want me to be happy, that was always her goal. I want to be able to live a life that would honor her. Feeling like this is preventing me from this. But, I don't want to forget her, I don't want my memories to fade. I am scared, that as time passes on, That i will lose her all over again. Sorry, Ed

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by Brighty on Jul 20, 2020 1:10 pm

EdwardTrishSmith‍  I'm so glad you are going next Tuesday.   You will be pleasantly surprised  how much a grief councellor  can help you.    They do have experience  and they are specifically  trained to understand and help you cope with your loss  and to work out the feelings that go along with it.    I don't think I would have  survived this ordeal without all the help and councelling I got.     Give it a try.    Let me know how it goes.    There will be a lot crying in the session but they are used it thst and sometimes it's the only place you can get out your true feelings.    With others I felt I had to hide it because  they didn't understand.      
Help is out there. All you have to do is reach out.

Re: Caregivers Who Lose Their Spouse To Cancer

Posted by MCoaster on Jul 20, 2020 1:40 pm

Brighty‍   I do not wish to intrude on these posts because I see here a place that is so special to those who post about their very personal experiences.   You hinted though that some of the counsellors you saw were not a good match for you.   I had such an experience and, I think, because of my fragile state I came away feeling that I we had no connection and in my case I felt even worse.   It really feel that finding the right match is so important when we especially fragile as those who post here.

MCoaster Margaret