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Grief of BFF death

Grief of BFF death

Posted by Cte1866 on Jul 2, 2020 10:51 pm

Today is my BFF’s birthday. Worst is she died last year in July 27, so I also have that date coming up. She was diagnosed with Undifferentiated Uterine Sarcoma. One of the deadliest forms of uterine cancer. She fought it for about 9 mos then succumbed. I had just started a new job when her condition started to worsen. I was coordinating long distance with her sisters and another friend of hers for care (we lived in different states and she wasn’t married or had a partner). The stress was immense as not only was I coordinating caring for her but they would also talk to me about their feelings and frustrations. We we’re all trying to cope with the situation and it was so difficult. I felt pulled in all different directions. On top of all of this I had a new job and had to take care of my family. I think the worst part of was at the end and I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t take time off of work so all I could do was wait for the news of her passing. To me the whole thing was a disaster and how I wish everything had been different. It’s been a horrible year without her and I just don’t know how to cope with the loss. I just can’t imagine the rest of my life without her. Every day I’m in pain. But I put on the brave face and march on. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. 

Re: Grief of BFF death

Posted by Clover4 on Jul 2, 2020 11:09 pm

Big hug to you as you observe both of these important dates. 

You did all you could at the time - please be kind to yourself about that.

I hope you can think about some of your happy times to help you cope. 💐


 

Re: Grief of BFF death

Posted by Brighty on Jul 2, 2020 11:36 pm

Cte1866‍  i'm so sorry for the loss of your BFF.      You sound like were a very good friend to her.    You had a lot on your plate, yet, you still took the time and coordinated her care for her.    Sounds like the others talked to you about their fears and frustrations which put a lot of stress on you........and maybe you held back about talking  about your own fears and frustrations.   When you say that you wish everything could have been different,  you could be possibly experiencing a bit of guilt or regret,      This is totally normal.    Many of us feel regret or guilt during the grieving process at something we could have done, or should have done.     But from your post, I see that you had done all you could do given the circumstances you were given.     First, cut yourself some slack.     We all can only do whatever we can under the circumstances.     And it's no surprise you are still grieving after a year.   Grief takes a long time to process and work through.       Some people take longer than others to grieve.    Give yourself permission to feel the feelings you are having.    It doesn't mean you are weak.   All it means is that you are missing the person.    It's unbearable to imagine life without the person we grieve for.     Sometimes, you need accept help, or support from others.    I found it helpful to see a grief councellor as well as joining a grief support group.   We talked about the exact topics you are describing in your post.   How to cope with regrets, how to get through painful anniversaries like a birthday.........all the topics related to grief.    My grief councellor was non judgmental and validated that all the feelings I had when I was grieving were normal, but I need to work through them in order to move on.    I also made some friends in grief group and still see them.   I thought I would never survive after losing my fiance.    But after working through my grief with a councellor and a group,  I learned that life will still go on, it will just be different.   I decided i was not going to let the grief conquer me, which it almost did.    It was not an easy road by a long shot, and it takes a lot of time and patience.     But you can do this.   The pain will ease up in time.  Eventually you will be able to remember your friend fondly and cherish the wonderful memories you had together.     I know that is what she would want for you.      
Help is out there. All you have to do is reach out.

Re: Grief of BFF death

Posted by jorola on Jul 3, 2020 5:34 am

Hello Cte1866‍ 
I am sorry for the loss of your beloved friend. Birthdays and anniversary dates are hard. I know you wish things were different but you did the best you could at the time and I am sure she appreciated everything that you did. Not many friends hop in there like that to be a caregiver. Especially doing it across states while juggling your own life. You are broken hearted and  missing her so it is easy to remember to bad stuff right now. Try to remember the good memories you two had. Let those memories fill your heart and ease your pain.
I hope you find it in yourself to forgive yourself for things you think you did wrong, which there are none by the way. I am sure your BFF would also want you to.
Peace and comfort to you.
Live, Laugh, Love

Re: Grief of BFF death

Posted by Lacey_adminCCS on Jul 3, 2020 8:58 am

Cte1866

Best friends the family we choose❤️
​​​​​​
Something that has always been true for me is that grief hits in waves. You'll be sailing along okay and all of a sudden a wave comes crashing in. Birthdays and anniversaries definitely bring on those waves. Your bestie would want you to be okay. It's okay to be sad, just try not to stay in that place to long. No amount of sadness can change the past. 

I found mygrief.ca really helpful. It's modules you can go through to learn about and process your own grief. I hope you check it out. 

Is there something special you can do to honour these dates? What did you like to do together? 

Lacey
​​​​​​

Re: Grief of BFF death

Posted by law on Jul 3, 2020 5:40 pm

Hi ‍ Cte1866‍ ,
It is so sad to lose a BFF and, being so far away, yet coordinating the caregiving is not only heartbreaking, but extremely stressful for you. This past year of grief has most likely only begun to register the shock and loneliness you feel.
I am glad you wrote to this wonderful site of compassionate and supportive contributors.
It is HELL to go through the caregiving and the grieving process as well. It takes time to accept that life ends for all of us, yet the living have to do so with the memories of friends and loved ones who passed already. Not fair, nor easy.
Don't think you have to grieve alone....often, a grief counselor can be an irreplaceable guide to living.
Stay as physically and mentally aware as you are able.
law

Re: Grief of BFF death

Posted by Essjay on Jul 4, 2020 5:43 pm

Cte1866‍ I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds like you were a true friend to her, and you did everything you could to help her through her illness and death. As others have said, grief is a process and it takes time to work through it. There’s no right or wrong way, as we are all different. 

Have you thought about working with a counsellor or through an online grief course such as Lacey_adminCCS‍ suggests? 

Know that we are hear, listening and holding space for you. Essjay xx
Triple Negative Breast Cancer survivor since July 2018