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Some Tips For Caregivers and Others

Some Tips For Caregivers and Others

Posted by CentralAB on May 20, 2020 4:26 pm

I thought I would start this topic about things I have learned along the way, in my sometimes difficult and challenging journey as a caregiver in the hope that it will help others going through similar challenges. Nothing here is written in stone, and most things can be adjusted/modified as you would see fit for your situation.

For the first post; I wanted to post some ideas for people other than the caregiver because I know from experience that there are right ways and unhelpful ways to respond to the caregiver you may know. I was thinking that the tips in this first post would also be good for caregivers, because I used some of them myself to just tell people: “hey, this is what I need,” or  “this is what helps.”


I was talking with my family doctor earlier today and he said something that really resonated with me; and my personal caregiver journey: “one of the most precious gifts we can give one another is to just listen. You don’t even have to agree or understand or fix it. Just listen. “

I found it very rewarding to do this for my wife. I hope these tips help caregivers to tell people what helps and what doesnt:

 

Don’t Say

Do Say

adapted from book called Help Me If You Can, by Dr Bill Webster, pg 161

Maybe it’s for the best

I’m sorry

I know how you feel

Tell me how you feel

It’s a blessing in disguise

I can’t imagine how painful this must be

There must be a purpose in all this

It must be difficult to see any meaning right now

Your loved one wouldn’t want you to cry

(say nothing, let them cry)

You’ve got to be strong

You are entitled to grieve

Life must go on

You will get through this and I’d like to be there for you

Its God’s will

It must be difficult to see the meaning in this right now

You have to get over it, or sometimes “you have to move on”

I don’t know how this is affecting you but Id like to try and help you through it

You shouldn’t wallow in self-pity

Can you tell me how this is affecting you?

Get a hold of yourself

Let me offer you support. Tell me what you need

Keep a stiff upper lip, or sometimes “you have to be the strong one”

Its OK to feel hurt and to grieve. You have been strong for so long

Be strong for the children

How can I help you with the children?

God never gives us more than we can handle

I am so sorry to hear of your loss

Its just going to take time

I’m willing to help or lend a listening ear, no matter how long it takes

You just need to keep busy

Be kind to yourself. Let yourself grieve

 

I will continue to post in this topic as time and energy permits.

________________ "there is always a little Light"

Re: Some Tips For Caregivers and Others

Posted by CentralAB on Jul 25, 2020 1:44 am

This is a subject I think is worth continuing. I remember one time when my wife was crying and concerned because her condition was deteriorating and she was becoming unable to do many things she could do in the past. Guilt was really weighing her down. So I retreated to a quiet room for a few minutes to collect my thoughts and write them down. This is the note I wrote to her.

My Sweet Marie: (her middle name was Marie)

This is just a reminder that God loves you; even more than ever before, as you go through this difficult journey. He alone knows what you are really going through now. I am humbled, and awe-inspired that you chose me to accompany you on this last leg of your journey. If I live to the age of 100, I am going to tell someone every day about our wonderful story, and how God brought us together, "just for such a time as this..." (Esther 4:14).

Remember, God will not require from the sick, any of the active energies that bodily weakness, or sickness forbids. No one ever needs to worry because they canot glorify God with talents that are not now entrusted to us. Or talents that they once had, but have lost due to injury or illness.

But now, even if you only have one talent left, no matter how small it ay seem, use it as well as you can with your open and honest heart, and that will accumulate and attract the blessings that you personally need; and not just for yourself, but also for all the other people in your life path. And you do that with me all the time.

- Love, David
(how can I not love you?)

It really meant quite a lot to her to hear/read this note. It made all the difference in the world to her. I would encourage other caregivers to find a quiet place where they can go to be alone with their thoughts/prayers, and write something out to read to your loved one later. They will really appreciate it and you will find that it gives your spirits a boost too. (we reap what we sow).
________________ "there is always a little Light"

Re: Some Tips For Caregivers and Others

Posted by Brighty on Jul 25, 2020 1:57 am

 That is so beautiful  CentralAB‍ .  Reminds me when Dan was near the end.   One if the very last texts he sent to me was that I should move on...that he felt useless  now and was tired.    Told me to keep the ring.   I assured him I wasn't going anywhere.  Never thought to write a letter like that.    I hope he knew how  much I did love him     
Help is out there. All you have to do is reach out.

Re: Some Tips For Caregivers and Others

Posted by Hazewind on Jul 25, 2020 12:04 pm

That was so beautiful. Brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing. 

Re: Some Tips For Caregivers and Others

Posted by Lyne on Jul 26, 2020 8:15 am

This is beautiful CentralAB‍ and helpful. I sometimes (thankfully seldom) hear such words and get angry because they are not what I want or need to hear.  Thank you for providing me with new words that I can suggest to those who just don't know what to say.