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Saying goodbye when they are still living

Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Christmas Thimble on Jan 8, 2019 7:23 am

We had to admit my mother in law to the hospital yesterday.  We know that the time is short now.  We are waiting for a bed in palliative care.  I am so thankful for this woman that God has put in my life,  She has been a mother to me and loved me like i was her own daughter.

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Lacey_adminCCS on Jan 8, 2019 10:49 am

Christmas Thimble‍ 

So sorry to hear that this time has come, I feel like you can never be prepared for it. It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship that you will cherish always.

The Canadian Virtual Hospice has some really helpful resources I encourage you to check out:
Tips for talking with someone who is dying
What do I say?
Final Days
Spiritual Health
Emotional Health

How is everyone managing?

Thinking of you,
Lacey

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Christmas Thimble on Jan 8, 2019 12:36 pm

Thank you Lacey Lacey_adminCCS.  Your words mean so much.  In my head I say, I am not ready for this, I can't do this but.  But yet I do, I do it because I don't feel like I have a choice, I do it because I love her, and I do it because I need to.  My son is 15 and he loves his Grammie so much.  He told us that he doesn't do hospitals and yet says that he might feel guilty for not going to see her.  I don't want him to feel guilt, so I may suggest that he see her now while she can still speak to him and before things get worse.  Out job is help walk him through this as well.  My husband - her son is relieved that she is in the hospital so that she can get the care that she needs.  His dad has Parkinson's and was finding it increasingly difficult to manage.  My husband is close to his mom - she has been a safe place for him.

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Lacey_adminCCS on Jan 8, 2019 1:18 pm

Hugs to you all.

It sounds like your son is very mature for his age and thinking about how he might feel if he doesn't go. As for your hubby I can understand why he feels some relief that she is getting the care she needs.
 Hang in there,
Lacey
 

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Cynthia Mac on Jan 9, 2019 7:19 am

Christmas Thimble‍ , it is great that you are reaching out to get support so you can be there for your husband and son right now. Your MIL is so fortunate to be surrounded by love and concern by all of you.

Your son appears to know his comfort zone, and while sometimes we need to push beyond, this is one time where it’s good to live within it. My grandfather died when I was his age, and they didn’t push me to attend his funeral. I eventually learned to cope with visitations and funerals — I expect he’ll figure it out, too, when the time is right for him.

As I mentioned before, your love for your MIL reminds me of my own, dear MIL, now passed. When you have someone that special in your life, the memories do help you get through, and they keep that loved one close to your heart for a long, long time after.

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Christmas Thimble on Jan 9, 2019 7:57 am

Cynthia Mac Thank you for reaching out and sharing your own experience with me and your words of wisdom.  I am finding that there is strength from the Lord every step of the way.  Having people understand and to share with has been so important to me.

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Manoushka56 on Jan 9, 2019 10:56 am

My mother in law passed away of lung cancer November 7th 2017....she had asked for assistance and chosen her date.
She stayed with us as long as she could, and she left us in her home, accompanied by her children, grand children and spouses.
My own mother passed when I was six, so my mother in law took her place in many levels. She was smart bright funny opinionated, took great care of herself and her family. We all had a chance to say goodbye but we miss her wisdom, her wit and her warm smile.
We Will carry her with us always.
I am sure you will too.

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Lacey_adminCCS on Jan 11, 2019 2:44 pm

Manoushka56‍ - Beautiful- Thanks for sharing about your mother-in law.

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by ACH2015 on Feb 8, 2019 5:18 pm

My friend died January 26th 2019 in the Palliative Care Unit at PMH.

We met in January of 2017 walking the halls of the Hospital because neither of us could sleep. We spent the next two years visiting, phoning texting, e mailing and supporting each other.

We later learned that we had the same Unknown Primary Cancer. We ended up with the same oncologist, and vied for the same immunotherapy clinical trial treatments when I had a recurrence and Deb's cancer failed to respond to chemotherapy and later to the immunotherapy.

I got a call from Deb on January 06, 2019. Deb said she had been admitted to hospital again the day before, and was told there was nothing further that could be offered to treat her. Her words will haunt me forever. She said "It wasn't supposed to end this way".  I visited Deb several times in the Palliative Care Unit before she died.

We talked about many things during those visits. I never said goodbye. 

The last visit occurred when Deb was heavily sedated due to pain. Deb was not conscious, but I sensed she could hear me. I thanked her for her friendship, and sharing with me her courage, strength and faith.

I told her to let go and free herself of pain. I told her we would meet again and to save me a good place near her. I continued to pray and think positive thoughts in my mind for Deb. I felt an awareness, and sensed she knew my thoughts.

Then I kissed her and said goodnight.

But I never said goodbye. 

ACH2015 - Andy.





 

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Cynthia Mac on Feb 9, 2019 7:06 am

Oh, Andy, ACH2015‍ , I am sorry to hear this, and for your loss. You are a pretty stoic man, by all evidence, yet your post indicates that has had an affect on you. Again, you have my sympathy.

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by gladup on Feb 9, 2019 12:00 pm

Andy , I think the main thing is you said hello , and maintained a friendship that benefited both of you, especially her at the end .  My condolences
Mary
 

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by cp on Feb 10, 2019 12:35 pm

"The belief that life out to be defined by a Grand Finale, tends to postpone Joy.  Greater Power lies in your present experience."

I wish I could take credit for the above phrase.  I have it nicely written on a Postum Note -- stuck to my computer.  It reminds me that there is Joy in every moment.

Here is another.

Standing on the shore we wave good bye to our dear friend.....knowing those, who have already made the journey, are there waiting on other side with open arms.

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Elizabeth06 on Feb 10, 2019 1:08 pm

Andy, ACH2015‍ 
I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so difficult to find someone we can connect with on this journey, and more difficult to lose them...
thinking of you
Cathy

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Brighty on Feb 10, 2019 1:51 pm

ACH2015‍ I'm so sorry for your loss andy!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Minus2 on Feb 10, 2019 2:08 pm

ACH2015‍ 
I am so sorry Andy about your friend.  And I admire you for your thoughtfulness and kindness.  I am sure she heard you.

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by Kims1961 on Feb 10, 2019 4:47 pm

ACH2015‍   Such a beautiful post and tribute to your friend and the relationship you shared.  So much to learn from it.

Maybe we don't need to say goodbye - but rather thank you...thank you to our loved ones we have lost that brought meaning to our lives.  Our hopes can be that we do the same to others in our lives now. 

Your post also highlights that connections we share with people can come from chance meetings and may be long term or very short.  Time is not the factor - the connection is.  We always hope we have more time with those who bring meaning to our lives, but sometimes that is not the case.  It doesn't mean it is any less meaningful.

Thank you for sharing.  Sending you a hug.  Kim

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by ACH2015 on Feb 11, 2019 9:21 am

Kims1961‍ 

I have struggled to respond to this and all the other responses in this thread. Thank you all for your comments and "likes".

There was no way I could find the way to say good bye to Deb. Even in that last week, in my mind, I felt that saying goodbye would be like an abandonment of my friend. So I never said goodbye.

I've left the door open, and remain connected today. Even though it is only in memory and spirit. We will always be connected.

ACH2015 - Andy.



 

Re: Saying goodbye when they are still living

Posted by WestCoastSailor on Feb 11, 2019 12:30 pm

ACH2015‍ 

And once again your wisdom and thoughtfulness touches me Andy.

I've been struggling to find a way to express those sentiments, the memories, the connection and the loss.

Thank you for sharing and glad you are part of this community.

Angus

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