Don't know where to start....

Hello
My name is Vandra and I am a cancer fighter.  Last year at this time, I would have written that I was a cancer survivor but how things can change.
17 years ago I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer called Hairy Cell Leukemia.  It had a very good success rate with treatment.  I had a 7 year old at home and I was ready for the fight.  I had treatment and was told by my doctor that I was very likely cured.  So I lived my life.  I watched family members struggle with their own battles and I thought that my purpose for going through my own battle was to encourage them.  I knew what they were going through.
Last year, just before Christmas, I found out that my counts were dropping and that I would need a bone marrow biopsy to determine if the cancer was back.  Shocked!!  Two days later my office building burned to the ground.  I went for my biopsy in shock in more ways than one.  The cancer was back but before I could start the next treatment, I had to rebuild our office.  I had a month and half to get our house in order.
This course of treatment was different than my first go-around.  17 years before I had cladribine (spelling???) for 7 days, 24 hours a day.  I was hospitalized for 3.5 weeks.  This time around it was still cladribine but it was in a chemo chair for a few hours a day for 5 days instead of being hospitalized for almost a month.  But 17 years have brought advancements that I was unaware of were even available.  This time rituximub (spelling again??) was introduced.  I was given it initially once a week for 4 weeks and now I am on the 2 year maintenance dosage.  
Chemo is never easy but I was excited for the advances and that I could go home every night :-)  Challenges were still put up, hospitalizations and infections but you deal with it.  
I had my first two maintenance treatments in June and August and I developed infections.  My maintenance treatment this week was changed.  While I was sitting in the chemo chair, the hospital chaplin came in and we talked.  I realized that I weary and felt like I needed to talk to someone.  In her wisdom, she told me about the Canadian Cancer online forums and that maybe reaching out to others who knew how I felt might be helpful.  
The first time around I was younger and then when my doctor said the "cured" word, I felt that my battle was just a blip in my life.  This time I don't feel that.  I know that cancer creeps up on you and it has for me...both times.  But now if feels like a permanent weight around my neck.  Maybe it is also Covid fatigue but I can't shake this weight.  I want to be a fighter again and be positive but I can't.
I hope that all this negativity doesn't harm.  I want to be positive to my family and not burden them with my "downness".  They have enough to worry about.  Is this feeling normal for those who are in their second or third go around???
Thanks for letting me release these emotions and again I apologize if I have brought negativity to the table.